United Airlines Literally Killed A Puppy

United Airlines is officially back on their bullshit in the most spectacular way possible. After dropping their debut single, “Sexualizing A Young Girl For Wearing Leggings“, and topping the charts with their hit “Dragging A Doctor Face-First Through The Aisles,” it was hard to imagine how they’d top their previous work. But they’ve done it. Oh boy, have they done it. What I’m trying to say is – United Airlines killed a puppy.

The puppy in question, an 11-month-old French bulldog named Kokito (RIP), died after a United flight attendant forced his owner to put him in an overhead compartment, where he suffocated to death. So now we know what happens when you put a puppy in an overhead bin, not that anyone was asking.

The owners and other passengers say that they protested vigorously, telling the flight attendant that there was a living creature in the bag, but the flight attendant twirled their mustache, laughed manically, and screamed “WE ARE UNITED AIRLINES WHERE THE ONLY LAW IS DEATH!” insisted she put the dog overhead.

Oh, and do you think that’s the worst part of the story? No. The worst part of the story is that  the puppy proceeded to bark and cry, but no one could go check on him because of heavy turbulence. By the end of the flight, the cries had stopped, and the family found their puppy was dead.

United has since responded saying the incident “should never have happend” (LOL YA THINK?!?) and that they “assume full responsibility for this tragedy.” TBH, I’m excited to see where the company takes their reputation next. Will they follow this up by flushing a cat down the toilet? Strapping a baby to the wing? Making their leg room even smaller?

On the bright side, United flights are about to get hella cheap. Just don’t bring anything you care about.

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Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.