The second half of 2017 is already looking better than the past few
weekends months that have made my life a living hell, but what else is new it’s fine I’m fine. Maybe 2018 will be my year, I say knowing it’s not true because I literally say this every fucking year. Honestly speaking, I think things are only looking up because end-of-summer sales have been fucking great. I literally bought a skirt and shirt for $6 the other day so, life is good. Like, retail therapy really works wonders *angrily glares at my therapist*. Prime example: Sephora’s Weekly Wow has done my card dirty treated me v well, but its competitor Ulta is about to be even better. Sunday kicked off the first day of Ulta’s 21 Days of Beauty event, which discounts beauty necessities up to 50% off *everyday* for an obvious 21 days. So, basically, you can get everything you’ve ever wanted from your favorite brands at half off all the way until September 23rd. You guessed it, we’re fucked. So on that note, here’s a preview of week’s goods to get you psyched everyday for the rest of the week month.
Tuesday, September 5th:
If Google didn’t exist, I
would’ve never graduated college would have no idea Jennifer Aniston and Heidi Klum are both in their 40s. That’s in part due to my inability to correctly guesstimate anything ever, but also because Aniston and Klum both use this amazing cleansing gel. This exfoliating cleanser is full of fruity stuff that unclogs yo’ nasty pores and removes dead skin cells that are the bane of my existence cause breakouts so you have younger-looking, refreshed skin for all your future Instas.
This primer is everything you need to brighten and tighten your skin (without looking like you got botox) for Snapchat filter-looking skin. Like, you just know how on-point those filters make you look, hence why all your selfies have fucking puppy ears. If you think this primer sounds amazing, all of the PÜR primers are half off too, so the more, the better your
nudes selfies look.
Kind of like a lip primer, kind of like Chapstick 2.0, this colored lip oil gives you ultimate Kylie lips with just a simple swipe (and no injections). It’s packed with oils like coconut, green tea, and cloudberry (WTF is a cloudberry, LMK), for a conditioned duck face-ready pout. These come in shades of pinks, reds, and bold darks for wearing underneath your fave lipstick or to wear alone because we’re lazy af.
Wednesday, September 6th:
Nothing makes me
spend more money happier than a 2-in-1 product. It’s like a freebie, but better. This exclusive double-ended lipstick features a smooth matte lipstick in vibrant shades with an accompanying hydrating lip gloss for a quick touch-up. It’s “travel-friendly” which basically means you can throw it in your purse before heading out to sweaty nightclubs.
Thursday, September 7th:
If you can master perfectly winged eyeliner, you can
literally get away with murder do anything. This liquid eyeliner is an essential for drawing a wing so sharp, you can cut a bitch. It’s basically a marker made for your eyes so if you still fuck up, it’s your own damn fault. They’re waterproof and come in a bunch of bright colors—that is, if you feel like having yellow eyes or something equally weird that’s basically any color other than black.
Friday, September 8th:
If you love the way you glow after getting lucky with your Bumble boy or you need to pull a Kristen Wiig before your booty call awakens, you need to buy this gorg palette.
The trio comes with silk-powdered bronze, highlighter, and blush for a v
sexual radiant contour. Choose from any of the versatile shades, regardless of your skin tone, for the most #flawless sculpting look you’ve ever achieved. Now, you can schedule your next dick appointment without spending an hour on your contour beforehand. So blessed.