Wow, last week a cis bro announced on his Instagram feed that he actually loved the woman he married, despite her being a little chubby. We’re paraphrasing, but it was honestly the most self-congratulatory zero chill post, but what do you expect from a guy named Robbie Tripp with a faux hawk? Anyways, the internet (minus us) called him brave and inspiring, like how you’d describe historical moment or an episode of Oprah where she talks to a reformed serial killer. In fact, an entry from a Buzzfeed article about this post reads “And they’re madly in love.” Hold my kombucha, did you say this man actually loves the woman he married!? That is just bat shit crazy.
Anyway, after we slept off the comedown from rolling our eyes too hard, we realized that maybe these news articles had a point. Like, maybe this man is a goddamn hero and we *should* keep handing out pussy participation trophies for all the bros that won’t say no to pussy despite what “society” has taught them and despite the fact that society has deemed “thick” is “in” now anyway. And this got us thinking, maybe betches need to be celebrated too. Like, if this man is brave for liking a thick girl (still hot tho), then every betch that’s ever dated a guy in cargo shorts deserves a Purple Heart. So betches, strap in, because if you’ve ever dated a bro in the list below, we salute you for your service.
1. Dude That’s The Same Height As You
If you dated a bro that’s the same height as you, we hope your town is drafting up a statue in your likeness, because you’re worth remembering. Honestly, this is just inspiring. Like, what do you do if you want to wear heels? Does his insecurity play out in shitty choking during sex? Are you always slightly squatting in pictures so he can appear taller? We think you’re brave for taking on this sacrifice.
2. Bad Tipper
It’s bad enough being friends with a bad tipper, but the fact that you let him put his penis (it’s probably 10% below average anyway) inside you after tipping with pennies at dinner makes you a Mother Teresa. Not shockingly, he probably still takes the time to send food back when it’s not to his liking and leave a bad Yelp review criticizing the restaurant for the fact that he made the wrong choice ordering.
3. Guy Who’s Not As Hot As Your Ex
Seriously, we can’t believe you would even consider dating someone like this! Ever since you were a teenager dating the hottest boy in the school, you were teased by your friends that you’d never date someone as hot as him. Then you realized you were buying into a lie and you educated yourself. Now you’re not afraid to shout it out loud that you love your boyfriend, even though he’ll never be as hot as Bobby Sanderson from 7th grade. We’re crying, you’re such a martryr.
4. 30-Year-Old Who Still Texts “Where The Party At” On Friday Night
This guy still orders Redbull vodkas and insists on doing shots, even though it’s date night and you’re at a seafood restaurant. He’s pushing sad bachelor territory but still texts like a frat boy. If you’re hooking up with this guy, we want to give you a trophy. You’re honestly a fearless betch and we are cowards compared to you.
5. Guy Whose Dad Is Bald
High school biology taught us that receding hairlines are genetic. If his dad is balding, you bet your boyfriend’s going to be losing his hair before you have time to even get your first pair of Mom jeans. Forget curvy women, the son of a bald man is even more frowned upon by magazine beauty standards. Seriously, when have you seen a guy with a receding hairline featured in Cosmo? He’s lucky to have such a kind soul like you who can see past his glaring flaw.
6. Bro Without A 401K
Even though your friends will probably make fun of you to no end, you know you love him in spite of his lack of foresight for his financial future. He doesn’t even have a savings account, but you’re not afraid what people will think. You celebrate his poor financial planning and lack of a steady job on Instagram by posting pictures with him on the beach. You guys go to the beach a lot, because it’s free and he’s like, not good with money.
Everyone is shocked you could even find him attractive, but you don’t care what they think. Even though some may call him “annoying”, you’ve always found his whiny, self-righteous attitude sexy. It’s just a part of your selflessness, I guess.
8. Guy In A Faux Hawk
People warned you that he’d wear a faux hawk to your wedding, and you didn’t care. While basic bitches out there are all trying to marry a traditionally hot bro that isn’t in Fall Out Boy, you prefer your husband, a guy who wears his hair like a 15-year-old boy from 2008, which is appropriate because that’s also the age at which he stopped growing emotionally. He’s very lucky to have you, and you deserve an award.