These Are The Two Types Of Friends You Have During A Breakup

During a breakup, a girl needs a lot to help her through the 5 minutes to 5 years it may take to get over whatever it is this fuckboy did to you. Specifically, the dumpee will need two types of friends. One who will hug her, feed her ice cream, and give her legitimately good advice about moving on, and one to pour shots down her throat and leave him threatening comments on Instagram. Neither approach is better than the other (though one is significantly less likely to end in arrest) and both are 100% necessary for any actual healing to take place. On the one hand, you need a mom figure to treat you like a princess or a small dog and to remind you of the beautiful unique snowflake that you are. On the other hand, you need someone to slap the shit out of you and start managing a sexually explicit Bumble account for you behind your back. Hopefully, when the breakup is done, you will be able to return the favor by assuming one of these positions for yourself. Oh, and if on the rare occasion you meet someone who is both of these people in one, hold on to them for life. They’re God’s gift to breakups.

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Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.