2 Detox Dishes For Your Shitty Winter Body

Oh, January—you may as well be called Cleansetober. After all of the meat, carbs, sugar, and alcohol, our delicate bodies can’t fucking handle much more. It’s time for a cleanse.

But cleansing is just generally shitty (no pun intended). If you’re doing something like a juice cleanse, prepare to gain literally all the weight you lose starving yourself back once you start eating like a normal human being.

Instead, just mix up your regular shitty eating habits with a few good ones to get back on track. We’ve included a recipe for a detoxing and not-horrible-for-you soup AND a delicious salad. You’re welcome.

Detox Soup Ingredients

Adapted from Vitamix


  • 1 leek, trimmed
  • 1 stalk celery, roughly chopped
  • 1 garlic clove, peeled
  • 1 tbsp. olive oil
  • 3 cups vegetable broth
  • 1 cup fresh tomatoes, diced
  • 2 cups kale, chopped
  • 1 cup zucchini, chopped
  • ¼ tsp. sea salt
  • ¼ tsp. ground black pepper
  • ½ cup fresh baby spinach
  • ¼ cup basil
  • 2 tbsp. red wine vinegar


Grab a large saucepan and sauté the leeks, celery, and garlic in the olive oil over medium heat for like, 10 minutes or until everything starts to soften. Stir in the broth, tomatoes, kale, zucchini, salt, and pepper and bring to a boil.

Reduce the heat and simmer, covered, for 5 minutes.

Remove from the heat and let cool a bit before throwing half of that shit into the blender. Blend on medium, then high for about a minute or until smooth. Repeat with the other half of the soup. Add in the spinach, basil, and vinegar, blend again just until the leaves are chopped, bring both halves of the soup together and, violà—cleanse soup.


Pink Detox Salad

Adapted from Cooking Classy (serves four)

Dressing Ingredients


  • 1/2 cup plain fat-free Greek yogurt
  • 1/4 cup pomegranate juice
  • 2 tbsp. apple cider vinegar
  • 1 tsp. honey
  • Pinch of salt

Salad Ingredients

  • 1 pink blood orange, peeled, segmented and seeded
  • 6 cups baby spinach
  • 1 lb. strawberries, hulled and sliced
  • 2 cups (1-inch, cubed) seedless watermelon
  • 1/2 cup pomegranate arils
  • 1/4 cup walnuts, coarsely chopped
  • 1/2 cup crumbled reduced-fat feta cheese


First, make your dressing by literally mixing together the yogurt, pomegranate juice, vinegar, honey, and salt. Set aside. Then, grab a giant bowl, fill with the spinach, and top with the grapefruit, strawberries, watermelon, pomegranate seeds, walnuts, and feta. Top with dressing and nom away.

Both of these recipes ought to help undo what two months of cookies have done to your hot bod.