Growing up there was literally no better time to be alive because the teen dramas were fire during those days. Any show that involved hot half-brothers duking it out on the basketball court or hot vampire brothers brooding over high school girls was my freaking catnip. I learned some v important lessons from those shows too. Like, if you gave your virginity to your vampire boyfriend he might lose his soul, terrorize your friends and family, and try to end the world. Subtle abstinence messages are fun. I also learned that 16-year-olds living in the Upper East Side have more money, sex, and better taste in clothes than I do as an adult. See? V important lessons here. But if there’s anything I’ve learned from avoiding human interaction in favor of watching trash television, it’s how to spot a heartthrob. Spoiler: he’s probably blond, in tune with your emotions, and wearing enough hair gel to grease a Slip ‘N Slide. Your high school self swooned over these losers, but now as
someone who has been on Tinder an adult you see things more clearly because more often than not, the self-proclaimed heartthrob is actually the fucking worst. And because I have nothing better to do with my time than to analyze fictional people, I’ve taken it upon myself to list out every TV heartthrob you totally crushed on but who was really Satan disguised as a Tiger Beat cover model.
Side note: if it feels like I’m coming for every show The CW has ever produced that’s because I absolutely am. Now, let’s bring on the
men society deems sexually desirable for young women heartthrobs.
1. Lucas Scott, One Tree Hill
I should have known I would hate Lucas Scott the second they cast Chad Michael Murray to play his character but I was deluded for two or three seasons and actually thought he was a good guy at first. I mean I was, like, 10 when the show first aired so give me a fucking break. My first point of contention with Lucas is that he said “I love you” to legit anyone with two working legs and a vagina. Seriously, if I had a dollar for every time Lucas told some emotionally fragile girl that he loved her I would have enough money to fund my own Clothes Over Bros clothing line. And, Lucas, consider yourself lucky that I was not one of those girls because I would have set you on fire if I found you sucking face with Peyton during the school shooting two episodes after professing your love for me. NOPE. Second, if we strip away his good looks and his basketball skills (did he have any?), he’s just a weirdo who writes in a sad, handwritten book. Like, we get it, you’re an artist trying to get laid. Honestly, he’d probs do well on Tinder. His talents were def wasted at Tree Hill.
^100 percent an excerpt from his Tinder bio, also what does this even mean
2. Nate Archibald, Gossip Girl
Tbh I was never a huge fan of Nate. I was into Dan because he was a writer living in Brooklyn and I’ll always have a soft spot for
dudes who are probably unemployed artists, and also Chuck Bass because he looked like he would fuck you up emotionally and I’m here for it. But Nate was just kind of there. He wasn’t particularly misunderstood or a giant piece of shit that kinda turned you on and made you reconsider whether you have daddy issues. He was just a really pretty face. I mean, really pretty. Plus all he ever did was hook up the wrong girl at the wrong time and fuck up everyone’s shit. Whatever. I guess if this were real life I’d totally give his trust fund him a chance.
I, mean, that head nod says it ALL.
3. Dawson Leery, Dawson’s Creek
Before there was Lucas Scott there was
the reason I suffer from rage blackouts Dawson and his fucking creek. I never really liked this show, but my best friend was obsessed with Dawson because he was cute, had zero control over his emotions, and was more sensitive than me on my period. In hindsight, perhaps I should have given him more of a chance? Whatever. Dawson was v dramatic and always crying about something and everyone knows I can’t with feelings. If Dawson were a real human he’d be the guy who texts you only in emojis and cries after the first time you have sex. Yeah, that’s a hard pass for me.
4. Riley Finn, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
You probs don’t remember Riley because he was
a waste of space Buffy’s college boyfriend and she only made it to, like, sophomore year before she died over the summer and decided not to go back to college when she was resurrected so she could hate-fuck Spike instead. Happens to the best of us, Buff! But Riley was the fucking worst. To this day I will never understand what Buffy saw in him. I mean, he looked like a Dillard’s catalogue model and had the personality of the department store clothing. The only thing interesting that ever happened to him was when he got addicted to vampires biting him and that was really more sad and pathetic than interesting. People loved him because he was human and Buffy had, like, a healthy and mature relationship with him (gross), but I hated him and his fugly turtlenecks with every fiber of my being. He was clearly a rebound after Buffy’s platinum vagine made Angel lose his damn mind and try to destroy the world. And I’m sorry but, Riley, would you risk your soul to be with Buffy? Would you get a soul to be with Buffy? No? Then get in line behind peroxide boy and the reason I have unrealistic expectations of love Angel. BYE.
Do you think YOU have a shot with her? Get outta here!
5. Logan Huntzberger, Gilmore Girls
I kind of hate myself for saying this because if Rory can’t be with Jess then I am 100 percent Team Logan, but Logan kind of sucks. He’s like every rich frat bro I’ve ever dated. One second he’s inviting you on his dad’s boat and the next second he’s taking some no-name freshman to his formal instead of you. Like, what? I have whiplash. I didn’t mind him so much when Rory dated him in college. I, mean, sure he kind of derailed her life and made her contemplate dropping out of college for a minute there, but what college fuckboy hasn’t done that a time or two?? Where he really lost points with me was in the revival. He was hooking up with Rory but also engaged to some other girl and flying Rory out TO LONDON whenever his dick started to get hard and that just did not sit right with me. Like, that shit was cute in college similar to how drinking Natty Lite out of a semi-warm keg and slurping alcohol from a frozen structure was also cute in college. Grow up, kid.
6. Stefan Salvatore, The Vampire Diaries
The Vampire Diaries was one of my favorite shows in high school because there’s nothing I love more than to turn up on a Thursday and watch an hour of broody vampire teen drama. Clearly I have a lot going on in my life. Clearly. Anyway, it starred Nina Dobrev, aka Degrassi’s 13-year-old-teen-mom-turned-fashion-model Mia Jones, who played boring nice girl Elena and was about the two ridiculously attractive vampires who had nothing better to do with their immortal lives than to fight over some small-town high school girl. Tbh I was all for Stefan for about two episodes. He was the right amount of broody, mysterious, and cocky. And then they brought Damon out, a character who mind-controlled high school cheerleaders into having crazy sex with him but like, you were kinda into it, and you wanted to laugh at Stefan and his overly coiffed hair. The first three seasons Stefan acted like he was hot shit while Elena tried not to eye-fuck his brother at the dinner table. Like, Stefan, you’ve been alive for 200 years, seen the rise and fall of multiple societies, but you can’t see when a girl would rather fuck your brother? Come onnn. Sorry, Stefan, go back to brooding in your fitted tees.
7. Max Evans, Roswell
First, if you haven’t watched Roswell yet, then you absolutely can’t sit with me. That show is the reason I know where Arizona is on a map and also why I pray there’s life on other planets. As long as alien life forms look like Max Evans and Michael Guerin then I will gladly let them invade
my bedroom Earth. Plus it features Katherine Heigl before she became the bitchiest actress in Hollywood and Shiri Appleby before she started ruining people’s lives on UnReal. ANYWAY, Max Evans, a teenage alien with permanent sad eyes and a penchant for cargo pants, was the star of this show and also the resident fuckboy heartthrob. And while many would argue that Max was brooding and mysterious and selfless, I would argue that he was the fucking worst. Season one he was fine, just a little too moody and “I hold the fate of the galaxy in my hands” for my taste but, whatever, he gave Shiri Appleby an orgasm “visions of constellations” (lol) by just, like, breathing on her so I was into it. But then he fucked the new girl in season two and got her pregnant with his alien spawn and it all went downhill from there. I don’t stand for cheaters, even if you were tricked into it by an alien seductress. I was rooting for you, Max. We were all rooting for you!