Try To Remain Calm: Weekly Horoscopes July 8-12

The first day of work after a long weekend is a special kind of hell, which means we must let the heavens be our guide. What is the best way for you to get through your post-Independence Day funk without losing your sh*t? Only the stars have the answers…


Get your excuses ready, because you’re going to be canceling the f*ck out of all your plans this week. The stars are aligned for you to enjoy some serious home time. I’m talking messy bun + sweatpants + Netflix + your favorite pint of Ben and Jerry’s. Honestly, all the other signs are jealous.


Keep an eye out for mini-vacation opportunities this week, Taurus! Don’t be surprised if you get a last-minute invite to a friend-of-a-friend’s lake house. Or better yet, an invite to house sit in the Hamptons for an eccentric great aunt you haven’t heard from in years. Is this the start of your own personal horror movie? Maybe. If you die, will you die in the lap of luxury? Absolutely.


Your generosity has reached its limit, Gemini, and it’s time to start scaling back. Sure, buying drinks for everyone every weekend is fun, but so is being able to pay rent without selling a kidney. Focus on taking care of yourself this week, and who knows, maybe somebody will buy *you* shots for a change!


What’s the opposite of a people magnet, Cancer? A people…repeller? Yeah, that’s you this week. You’re just not in the mood, and that’s fine. Just own up to the fact that you’re not really feeling social and make some plans with the one person you can actually stand right now: yourself. And if you absolutely must interact, remember the golden rule: if you don’t have anything nice to say, put it in the group chat.


Shove a crystal in your pocket and grab the Palo Santo, because you’re feeling Earthy as f*ck this week! Get thee to a yoga studio ASAP and don’t be surprised if you feel the urge to post vague quotes about the universe to your Insta Story or start supporting Marianne Williamson for president. Just try not to give up on vaccines just yet. They’re kind of important.


You might wanna silence notifications on your phone right now, Virgo, because you have viral stardom in your future. The Sun, Saturn, and Pluto are all in Capricorn in your 5th House of fame, meaning anything you tweet will turn to gold. Just try to remember the little people once your 15 minutes are over.


You’ve been on your career game hardcore this past few weeks, but did you forget you also have a social life? Yeah, it’s time to reconnect with that. Set a hard rule that you’re not going to work outside the hours of 9am and 5pm (or 10am and 6pm, depending on the chillness of your office) and dedicate your off-time to actually being off. Your friends will be excited to see you, stranger!


Being intense is kind of your thing, Scorpio, but this week it’s time to scale it back. Take a chill pill (responsibly, as prescribed by your doctor) and set aside some time to thank all the people in your friend group who’ve been putting up with your crazy mood swings. Even a half-burned bridge can be repaired with a sincere apology and a nice bottle of wine.


How’s your bank account looking, Sag? Rude question, I know, but this is the week to get your finances in order. As painful as it can be to actually look at your Uber and Postmates bill for the month, financial plans you set in motion this week could reap *big rewards* in the future. Besides, do you really need to order a sushi boat every weekend?


Last week brought major energy to your love life, but now it’s time for an audit. Are the partnerships in your life actually living up to your high standards, or are you just too bored/tired/scared of dying alone to actually end things? Cutting the cord can be tough, but clearing up that stale hookup energy will help make space for something (and someone) soooo much better.


You’re in a productive groove this week, so don’t let it go to waste. Bust out the old bullet journal (aka start a bullet journal) and watch as you magically cross every last thing off your to-do list. Is there any better feeling in the world? I think not.


This week’s mission, if you choose to accept it, is to not lose your sh*t in public. It’ll be tough, but being the next person to go viral screaming in an Apple Store is a way worse look. Take a hit of the CBD pen (or something stronger) and keep the temper in check until Friday. It’s not your fault people are so stupid, but it is your fault if you light someone’s car on fire over a minor traffic violation.

Images: Giphy (12)

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.