Originally, we started watching True Detective strictly to support our fav roman-nosed bro, Matthew McConaughey only to find that the first few episodes were slower than beach erosion. But then two episodes ago something happened, when you realized the connection and reason behind the story telling method and the show suddenly turned epic. Somewhere between the dead girls with antlers, hillbilly teen prostitutes, a dozen cut up cans of Lone Star, and one seriously out-of-control house party, betches became obsessed with True Detective. We have been going crazy aka loosely paying attention wondering who is the Yellow King, what the fuck is Carcosa, and where is all the fucking “gorgeous cinematogrpahy” everyone keeps raving about? As far as we can tell, every scene takes place in a dirty shack.
Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey are detectives in the sweatiest and poorest part of the country – the deep south. They are investigating the Law-and-Order-SVU-style murder of a meth addict with a neck tattoo named Dora Lange. She was naked, had antlers, whatever. The point is – devil worship. Shit gets real when a couple of toothless convicts keep talking about a “Yellow King” and “Carcosa”. According to the 35-year-old barista at our local Starbucks, all that shit comes from a book that was written like 100 years ago or something, but we didn't look into it because we're not sad theatre freaks.
The next two weeks were just a lot of hilarious dialogue between Woody Harrelson and MM inside of a car. While Woody is busy giving rimjobs to secretaries and getting drunk at a hodown, our bro Matt is “beating off to murder manuals” in an apartment where he keeps his mattress and his lawnchair. Nothing really happens except they drive around the bayou, admire graffiti art, and chat with that guy from Boardwalk Empire. They're about to be taken off the case for not doing work because that's like the obvious thing in every cop show ever. Then, Matty does a bunch of coke and solves the whole crime with a plan that is so unnecessarily elaborate that we're kind of convinced he's a bond villain. We don't want to give you anymore details but the show gets super scandalous and disturbing really fast but we can tell you this much, Matthew Mcconaughey does not get a haircut.
Rust “I'm walking on sunshine” Cohle – The hotter detective played by Matt McCon. He's divorced and his daughter was run over, so he went undercover with a biker gang where he played the role of “Crash, the bro who looks nothing like any of the rest of these bearded weirdos”. Cohle is so dark and brooding he makes K Stew look like a fucking cheerleader. When he's not squinting into a storm cloud, he's pissing Marty off by sassing him or mowing his lawn. He has a hilarious drinking problem.
“What do you think the average IQ of this group is, huh? …I think it's safe to say nobody here's gonna be splitting the atom.”
“Maybe the honorable thing for our species to do is deny our programming, stop reproducing, walk hand in hand into extinction, one last midnight, brothers and sisters opting out of a raw deal.”
“It's Thursday and it's past noon. Thursday is one of my days off. On my days off I start drinking at noon.”
Marty “Bag o' Tampons” Hart – Rust's partner, played by Woody Harrelson. Marty has a hot wife, but that doesn't stop him from sticking his dick into every brunette he runs into at the T-Mobile store. Betches like Marty for his hatred of doing work, propensity for making shit up, and persistent attempts at drunk bonding with Rust. Marty is kind of gross in the sense that he's a huge dickhole and rude to all women who are related to him but he's secretly soft inside so we let it slide.
“You are the Michael Jordan of being a son of a bitch”
“Let's make the car a place of silent reflection”
“Who walks that fuckin slow?”
Maggie Hart – Marty's wife and closet BSCB. Maggie seems way too young to be married to Marty and actually kind of reminds us more of a musician's GF than like, a cop's wife. She is leading a one-woman crusade against pants, appearing only in large t-shirts and occasionally floral midi dresses. Only knows how to cook spaghetti.
Maggie doesn't really have any.
Thoughts and and other shit:
Idea for a True Detective drinking game – take a shot every time Rust says some bizarre shit and Marty throws him side-eye from the opposite end of the Crown Vic.
Rust: “I'd consider myself a realist, alright? But in philosophical terms I'm what's called a pessimist”
Marty: “What does that mean?”
Rust: “It means I'm no good at parties”
Marty: “Let me tell you something, you're not great outside of parties”
We fucking love Party Marty.
Charlie to the detectives: “He said there's this place down south where all these rich men go to like, devil worship” – My friend's from DC and she says this is like, way accurate.
Rust is kind of like a rebellious teen and Marty and Maggie are kind of like his annoying-ass parents. “We found a very nice girl for you to go steady with and we organized a chaperoned date at the steakhouse/hodown. Please don't become intoxicated.”
Marty, to his side-piece after putting his shit on blast to Maggie: “I'm gonna skull-fuck you, bitch” And we thought “you are no longer my number three!” was harsh.
We really want to see the character list for this show: gangbang biker #2, stripper who dances under waterfall of sparks at warehouse rave, neutered overweight church roadie…
Is it just me or does the kidnapped mental hospital girl look like a young Lorde?
The Maggie Breakup:
“I was always too skinny for you, wasn't I, Marty?” Nice humblebrag.
“I haven't been fucked like that since before I had the girls!” Like what, on a counter in under a minute?
“People incapable of guilt usually have a good time” – #SpringBreak14
Needless to say, we are having serious anxiety about the final ep. Will they ever find the man with the scars? Will Rust be charged with the murders/subsequently forced to wash his hair? Will Marty's Match.com membership expire? We can't wait to find out.