True Blood Recap: Summer of Sam Merlotte

So last night's episode of True Blood was like one big intervention. We were torn between which plot we would rather see: the vampire on human cruelty or the sappy outreach of Eric “Why can't we all just get along?” Northman. The vampires returned from Mardi Gras with purple beads and an insatiable desire for blood. We found out that Pam's mad face and happy face are the same, you should fear no evil like a scorned Afghan woman, and Bill's daughter was rather fugly.


But seriously True Blood, it's time to come up with some original plotlines. Between that whole Freaky Friday/Hot Chick storyline of the double Sam Merlottes (It's me! Jessica!!) and Lafayette's eerily authentic representation of Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost, you have to wonder how many old movies the writers have to watch to compile a single fucking episode. Also, that whole 'parents being attacked by a vampire during a flood' scene was way too Harry Potter. Only instead of leaving behind an annoying lightening faced baby all this Freddy Krueger vamp got was this disgusting band aid. Way to be on top of your kids' sanitation habits, Stackhouses.

Speaking of the mentally challenged Stackhouse kids, why are all these fairies British?

I have to wonder what vampire dry cleaning bills are like what with the excessive amount of bleeding done in these beds. And you thought that time you got your period while getting fingered was embarrassing. 

Thankfully Lafayette reprised his position as our favorite character with this line: “I'm not in the helping business. I'm in the fuck off and smoke a blunt business.” We love him taking #24 insensitivity to new heights but as it turns out he has to deliver the sad news that either Terry or Patrick has to die. I wonder who has the longer standing contract with HBO. Methinks not Patrick. But really, how do we know this fucker was teling the truth? Wouldn't it be way funnier if he were like “that Afghan woman says the only way the curse will be broken is if you bring me 15 chicken McNuggets.” Lafayette clearly needs some help with manipulation.

Sam as a woman was the first time in 5 seasons that this show made us laugh. But really, this whole shifter/werewolf shit is so fucking boring. We're not sure why anyone would want to kill shifters but the fact that Luna will not stop #80 bitching might be part of it. Once again, Alcide's bare ass is one of the main redeeming qualities of TB, even if his sex scene with rando werewolf girl did involve some weird ass acrobatics. We have to admit that we're mildly excited for next week when hopefully Eric strangles Nora, Sookie and Jason have more Woodstock style seances and Hoyt grows a pair of balls.

Quote of the night:

Bill: “We were in the presence of god.”

Eric: “We were high as fucking kites”


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