True Blood Recap: Don’t Cry For Me Jason Stackhouse

At the end of last night's episode, instead of dwelling on our newfound inability to love Eric as much as we used to, find Bill's accent the least bit endearing, or be remotely interested in or by any plot developing on this show, we just smirked upon the announcement that there are only 2 episodes left in the season. The only thing that would turn that smirk into a smile is if they decide next season will be the last. Honestly, as some of the original lovers of True Blood we ask that you, producers, please do us this favor and put us out of our misery, pull the plug, turn off the life support, fucking kill this show already. Betches have limits and our quota of the number of times we have to look at a naked bitch covered in placenta is almost filled.

lilithEw Lilly

So this episode started off with Sookie staking some vamp with chopsticks without reason. First of all, she could have spared the bro and just rescinded the invitation into her house, and second where did she get the Chinese food? Does Lafayette, the only chef (apparently) in the only restaurant (allegedly) in Bon Temps finally figure out how to master the recipe of General Tsao's chicken? And if there is a Chinese restaurant in town, can't people have their little meetings there instead of Merlotte's? Like I doubt anyone would have a problem with a smoke monster killing some people at a place called Ming Moon. (Side note: Have any Asians ever made an appearance on this show? Are there Asians in the South?)

Then there's bat shit brainwashed Bill who forces Eric to do a little molly. I meannn…IT'S JUST A LITTLE E ERIC, chill the fuck out. Anyway, Lilith is a psycho, so is Russell, and so is Salami. But we must admit Steve Newlin is easily becoming one of our favorite characters on the show. He used to be anti-vamp and now he's the spokesperson of the AVL, is hooking up with the oldest, most popular vampire like, ever, slow dances to Teenage Dream, and makes annoying Emma cry. Your mommy hates you…EMMA BAD PUPPY.

bill comptonAnd on the 7th day I realized I was a flaming homosexual.

Other shit:

So Morella is preggers with Andy's kid? SHOCKER.  

Why does Russell change his accent when he's like super serious? He goes from hick to Latin/Italian…ME 'SCUSE.

Miley Cyrus and her new haircut made an appearance on Bill's security team.

Ding Dong the vampire version of Jack White is dead.

Sookie is mine, literally” – Warlow

And lastly, Hoyt, who either really loves Forrest Gump or is just a huge Bubba Gump Shrimp enthusiast, decides to move to Alaska, where we predict he will fuck and knock up Bristol Palin. Then he will cheer her on as she dances the samba on Dancing with the Stars, angrily grill Mark Ballas for each ass grab, but also support her while she has a breakdown upon realizing the salsa is not just a more ethnic Macarena. So we bid you adieu, dear Bubbz, we hope you have a fab time on your Alaska/Hawaii Teen Tour.


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