Looks Like Tom Schwartz & Katie Maloney Have Split

Around this time every year, I hit a no Vanderpump Rules depression. It hasn’t been on in a few months and we still have forever until it’s back. And, I mean, sure, there’s Southern Charm and all, but that’s not fucking the same. And don’t @ me about goddamn Jax and Brittany Take Kentucky or whatever that hillbilly shit is. It doesn’t count. It’s fake news. But thankfully, the Bravo gods heard our prayers and dropped some off-season dramz in our laps: It looks like Tom and Katie, who have been married less than year, might not be together anymore. Color me shocked. But just to be certain, we’ve taken all the evidence and broken it down so we can investigate ourselves. Feel free to add in the Law & Order dun-dun’s for dramatic effect.

Evidence Tom & Katie Broke Up

Exhibit A: Jax’s tweet

A few days ago, someone tweeted at Jax asking if TomKat had split and his response was “Yeah he dipped out of the country. He said f this and left. Apparently going on a poker tour was more important.” Okay. Tbh, this could be a joke. This is Jax we’re talking about here. The truth isn’t exactly his first language, but still. He’s also known for opening his big slutty mouth when he’s supposed to keep a secret. Let’s just say it’s enough to get people talking.


Exhibit B: They haven’t posted any photos together since March… until yesterday

If this was an everyday couple from, idk, Nebraska or something, this would be nbd. But these are bartender reality TV stars who live in LA. Not posting a pic together in four months is a more official sign of a breakup than fucking divorce papers. Yesterday she posted a solo pic of Schwartzy with a basic MCM caption. Vom. And like, couldn’t you be a little more convincing than a ‘Gram of him by himself without pants on? You’re clearly just trying to make it look like you’re still together. Fucking duh.

Exhibit C: Everything we saw on last season of VPR

Tbh, you shouldn’t even need exhibits A and B to believe that they’re dunzo. I mean, season 5 was evidence enough that these two are NOT meant to be together and will get divorced eventually. Sorry, naive fools optimists. It ain’t happening. Tom calls her a bitch every five seconds, Katie screams in public that his dick doesn’t work. Like, them calling it quits would hands down be the least shocking thing to happen so far this year by a fucking mile.

Katie Maloney

Evidence Tom & Katie Are Still Together

Exhibit A: Katie says the rumors are false

Or would this be Exhibit D? Idk. I’m not a lawyer. Since Jax’s tweet, Katie has been tweeting up a storm trying to make us all believe they’re still together. She tried the sarcastic route to make it look like the claims were ridic and even got Jax to chime in and make it look like a joke. Then went more serious calling an article about them breaking up fake news. Ya know, the usual celeb denial tour. Does this mean I believe her? Fuck no. But it has to be brought into evidence nonetheless. IMO, this is just to make us believe everything is wonderful in Bubba Land so by the time season 6 drops, their divorce is a big surprise and Katie still has the main storyline instead of it going back to being all about Stassi.

Stassi Schroeder

Exhibit B: According to the tweet, Schwartz is off playing poker.

You might be wondering how is this evidence one way or the other. And that’s because you’re not as obsessed with Vanderpump Rules smart as me. The fact is that Schwartz would be the world’s worst poker player. I mean, it’s almost laughable. First of all, he’s unemployed and therefore has no money. What official poker tour involves poor people? There isn’t one. Second, he can’t even handle the pressure of making a Pumptini without having a mental breakdown. How tf is he supposed to handle the pressure of gambling his life savings with a bunch of high rollers with guns? That’s a no from me, dawg.

The Verdict

Tom and Katie might not be divorcing yet, but it def won’t be long now. My guess is just in time for the season finale. And I plan to watch it all unfold when all is right with the world and Vanderpump Rules is back in a few months.