Time To Defrost Your Social Skills: Weekend Horoscopes April 2-4

Adios, March! Time to welcome April, also known as the rainy month that brings on the warm weather. Just think: we’re that much closer to summer. Maybe it’ll be a real summer. Like, with vacations, and tanning, and bottomless mimosas, and regret. Gosh, I missed irresponsibility.

Anyway, the stars are here to make your weekend maybe a little better? Little worse? Honestly, who knows anymore.


It’s a great weekend for your self-esteem, Aries. Basically, if you’ve been in the mood to recreate your wardrobe/gym routine/habits/self in general, this is the time to do it. The stars are going to make it difficult to focus on much else, anyway. Also, be careful of sh*t you say that could be hurtful without you intending it to be. You may come off a bit more flippant than usual.


Listen to your gut this weekend, Taurus; and not just if it’s telling you, yes, you do need the Quesalupa Combo Meal from Taco Bell for lunch because, dammit, you earned it. Meditate, journal, go for a walk in (ugh) nature, and call your mom. If you’ve been having doubts about your job, relationship, or wtf you’re doing in life, it’s time to sit down and give those thoughts some room.


You’re all about helping others this weekend, Gemini, so if you’ve been just dying to get your inner philanthropist on, it’s your time to shine. Volunteer at an animal shelter, donate a bunch of old-but-still-fashionable clothes, offer to babysit for your mommy friend who (I can promise you) is overwhelmed. Or just go small and donate some money to Planned Parenthood in the name of any Republican congressperson or senator. They LOVE that sh*t.


How’s that career working out for you, Cancer? If the answer is “ugh” or “f*ck off”, then maybe it’s time to update the ol’ resume, scour the internet, and sign up for those business classes that, yes, you can take online. You don’t do anything on Thursday nights, anyway. You absolutely have time.


Get out of the house the weekend, Leo. Grab your S.O. and head out for a picnic in the sunshine so you can totally day drink. You’re also going to be dying to go on some sort of adventure, so even if it’s just a trip downtown, to a restaurant, or even to Restoration Hardware, make sure you make plans.


It’s an emotional rollercoaster of a weekend, Virgo. Lean in and break out the rom-coms, Taylor Swift Spotify station, and sweats. It’s okay to move away from your planned, logical, Type-A side every once in awhile. Sh*t, have mimosas and waffles for breakfast on Saturday and Sunday while you’re at it. Order brunch and don’t look at the menu beforehand. Live wildly.


Aries is f*cking sh*t up in your relationships this weekend, Libra. It doesn’t have to be a knockdown, drag-out fight, though. Listen, be open, and stop making winning the argument the ultimate objective. By Sunday, things will have cooled down, and you can try to channel that rage into some weird, but interesting, end-of-weekend sex. Hooray!


Take care of yourself this weekend, Scorpio. You’ve been focused on work, your relationships, your house, your mom—literally everyone and everything except you this week. Schedule some time for a solo brunch, massage, pedi, and long walk to clear your mind. Don’t feel guilty about canceling plans or saying no. Leave your work email alone; it’ll be there on Monday.


You’re literally exploding with love this weekend, Sagittarius. The planets are influencing your passion, so don’t be surprised if you call your mom/dad/brother/bestie and go on and on about how amazing they are. Likewise, try not to smother your partner. You know that three rounds in the bedroom is about all he can handle for the evening. Sunday is a great day to tackle house projects, so turn that passion for people into passion for dusting so you can fully embrace the whole spring cleaning vibe.


Aries continues to f*ck sh*t up for you, too, this weekend, Capricorn. Little tiffs over who last emptied the dishwasher could easily turn into full-fledged screaming matches about that time he didn’t pick you up from the airport three years ago and was hungover at that first meeting with your parents. The moon on Sunday should cool things off, so maybe stay away from people and arguments by spending some time outdoors.


Calm down, Aquarius. We get that this weekend has made you feel so f*cking popular, but it’s important that you space out your outings, have some time for yourself, and don’t tell your boss you can work late or, like, ever on a Saturday. Make sure that the people and/or things that you do commit to mean a lot to you and care for you. Like, committing to watching murder dramas on Netflix or committing to brunch with your bestie who loves to compliment you seems like a wonderful way to spend a weekend. Cleaning? Not so much.


Don’t blow your money on dumb sh*t, Pisces. I realize that Alexa has been listening to your internal and external thoughts and the ad targeting has been PRIIIIMO, but, honestly, you don’t need the porch set/lifetime supply of Sour Patch Kids/treadmill right now. Instead, focus on your budget this weekend, and PLAN for a big, cool purchase that you actually need.

Images: Giphy (12)

Sarah Nowicki
Sarah Nowicki
Sarah Nowicki aka Betchy Crocker writes about food, fashion, and whatever else she's in the mood to complain about for Betches and like, some other people. She resides in Asheville, NC, where she spends her time judging hipsters and holding on to her Jersey heritage and superiority. Yell at her on Instagram @sarahnowicholson