Time For Some Hardcore Hibernation: Weekly Horoscopes December 2-7

Jupiter is on the move this week, as it makes its way into Capricorn for the first time since 2009, giving us all the energy we need to make it through the No Man’s Land between Thanksgiving and Christmas (or the gift-based holiday of your choice). This get-sh*t-done planet is all about finishing out your 2019 goals in a sustainable way, and preparing you for the winter hibernation to come. Just think: a month from now it’ll be New Year’s Day, and it’ll be 100% acceptable to spend the entire day in bed sweating out last night’s champagne. You can almost feel the hangover now…


Say it with me Aries: planning makes perfect. You’ve got luck and success on your side this week thanks to Jupiter, but only if you actually take time to think things through. None of this impulsive “I’m just gonna text them right now” bullsh*t. Time to dust off the ‘ol Moleskine and get to strategizing. A bullet journal never hurt anybody (unless you throw it).


‘Tis the season to get out of your shell, Taurus. And yes, that does mean leaving the couch. You’re in the mood for an end of year adventure, which is a big leap from the other 11 months a year when you’re in the mood to watch other people’s adventures on television. Look for opportunities to take chances this week and shake things up. I know that’ not really your sign’s thing, but trust me, do it and you will be rewarded.


Now that you’re finally done digesting turkey, it’s time to digest something else….your relationships. This week the stars are aligned for you to really go deep with an intimate relationship and figure out what makes it tick. No more surface level convos or “wyd” texts. You’re in the mood to get down to the nitty gritty with questions like “what’s your greatest fear?” or “do you think Jeffrey Epstein killed himself?” You know. The real sh*t.


This week is all about committed relationships for you, Cancer—finding them, keeping them, and getting the f*ck out of them if they don’t serve you. Single Cancers should take a good hard look at their dating style and see if maybe there’s something they could be doing differently to nab a keeper. For example, switching out the pic where you’re ripping shots in nipple pasties for that cute one you and your grandma took at Thanksgiving dinner. Cancers who are already in a relationship should try to think about what they need for this one to really go the distance. Who knows, get this right and you could end up one of those couples that gets engaged on New Year’s Eve. Barf.


Go a little ham on the sides this Thanksgiving? No worries, Leo. Jupiter has put you in the mood for a major health and wellness kick, aka a turkey detox. Basically it’s the holidays, but make it healthy. Why not sign up for that new cycling studio now so you’re not one of the newbies who can’t clip into their bike on January 1st? Plus, gift-giving holidays are the perfect time to ask for some fresh athleisure. And nothing motivates you to make it to that 6am yoga class like a cute new pair of leggings.


Get ready, Virgo. You’ve got tons of new opportunities on the horizon, and it’s going to be your job to separate the business investments from the multi-level marketing scams. (Hint: if you heard about it via Facebook Messenger from a random person that went to your high school that you haven’t talked to years, it’s probably a pyramid scheme.) Once you’ve separated out the obvious scams, don’t let fear get in the way of making some big time money moves. Forbes list, here you come!


You’re feeling pulled in two very different directions this week, Libra, which is stressful. On the one hand, you want to drop your entire life savings on an Eat, Pray, Love journey to any country that is warm right now. On the other hand, you want to drop your entire life savings on turning your home into a winter wonderland and enough provisions so you don’t leave until April. On the bright side, no matter which you choose, your life savings is canceled, so no use worrying too much about it.


Your past month of frugal living pays off this week and it’s time to—if I may borrow a meme from 2011—treat yo self. Yes, the holidays are upon us and you’re probably trying to save up for all the amazing gifts you have planned, but what about setting aside a lil somethin’ to gift your favorite person: yourself? Whether it be a fancy-ass latte, some cute gloves you won’t have to take off to text, or a luxurious cab ride home when you don’t feel like dealing with public transit, you deserve a little extra love. Also like, it’s your damn money in the first place.


Slow it down, Sagittarius. It’s officially winter. The whole world is winding down, and now so are you. If it’s gonna get dark at 4pm, there’s no reason for your brain to continue working after that time. And besides, no one really expects you to work between Thanksgiving and New Years anyway. No one except your boss, that is.


Time for one of your favorite activities, Capricorn! Vision boarding! With Jupiter in your sign, you’re finally getting the clarity you need to see beyond 2019 into…dare I say…2020. Where will you be this time next year? In your corner office getting hair and makeup done for your new position as a judge on Shark Tank? On a yacht you bought with cash after finally dedicating yourself to a life of crime? No judgment. Just start planning and make it happen.


Take a deep breath, Aquarius. In fact, take two deep breaths. Then sit down. Then lay down. Then close your eyes. Then go to sleep. You’ve been cruising for some major burnout these past few months, so take a cue from the winter weather and get ready to hibernate hard. Put your phone on do not disturb and set an out of office message, even though you’re still in town. Whatever you need to do to recharge. You’re of no use to anyone if you die of exhaustion anyway.


You’ve been focused as f*ck on advancing your career, but now it’s time to reconnect with the world. Friends? What are those? Do you have any left? This week, take some time to reconnect with the group by setting up a brunch, happy hour, or movie night. The only rule? You’re not allowed to talk about work for more than five minutes. You can do it. I promise.

Images: Giphy (12)

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.