Time For A Vibe Check: Weekend Horoscopes April 24-26

So COVID-19 is over, all the protests to reopen states totally worked, and no one is infected with the spicy bat flu anymore. We all returned safely to work and everyone lost 15 lbs.

Psych, we’re still in this waking nightmare, lol! Are you eating cake for breakfast with your hands yet? Have you taken up cross-stitching to make your mom proud? Or are you just cycling through four different pairs of sweatpants until the quarantimes are over? Thankfully, the stars and planets are here to guide us, yay!


Welcome to Taurus season, bitch! The stars are pushing you to focus on finishing projects this Saturday, so, yes, it’s finally a good time to finish painting that spare bedroom or clean out your closet. Those jeans aren’t going to fit you again, accept it. On Sunday, focus on finances and make yourself a household budget. It may seem f*cking stupid, given that you’re probably SWIMMING in cash thanks to the $1,200 stimulus check, but it’s always a good practice to understand where tf your money goes, so get on that.


It’s all about you this weekend, Gemini. Use Saturday to read that trashy book you’ve been meaning to finish, spend some quality sexy time with your S.O. (or your fav vibrator), then eat a giant breakfast of pancakes or whatever sparks joy for you. Don’t feel bad if you burst into tears this weekend, either. Venus is f*cking your sh*t up and you may be extra emotional. It’ll be okay.


Pay attention to your dreams this weekend, Cancer. It shouldn’t be too hard, considering there isn’t much to do aside from eat, sleep, and pretend to work out. After jotting down that bit about your teeth chasing you in that last nightmare, wake up on Saturday and look for ways to help during the ‘rona crisis. You could volunteer to make meals, donate to a healthcare workers’ fund, or try your hand at sewing masks.


You’re going to miss your friends extra hard this weekend, Leo, and that’s what FaceTime brunches are for. After “work” on Friday (you know, that thing you pretend to do on your computer all day), schedule a call with your besties where you all drink margaritas and eat chips and salsa and pretend you’re at a sh*tty Mexican restaurant. Saturday, call up the same or a new group of friends (or fam) and all of you can simultaneously watch Too Hot To Handle on Netflix. By Sunday, you’ll be thinking about work again, so try and focus on ways you can prioritize your time this week.


The moon in Gemini wants you to shake sh*t up career-wise, Virgo. It may not be the opportune moment, but there’s always a good time to examine what makes you happy and what doesn’t when it comes to your career. On Saturday, browse through some freelance or gig jobs to shake your routine up a bit and add to your resume without leaving your 9 to 5. Talk to friends and family about their professional lives, too, to help get some clarity. After all the work talk, use Sunday to journal about all the time off you’re going to take after COVID f*cks off; and, namely, which European countries you’ll be visiting and Instagramming.


You’re dying to travel, Libra. Unfortunately, travel isn’t, like, v chill rn, so maybe opt for binge watching every season of Parts Unknown, Bizarre Foods, and No Reservations this weekend. Then, use Saturday to order out from a new restaurant (something off the beaten path, like Lithuanian food or Ethiopian delicacies) and Sunday to cook a random country’s national or famous regional dish.


Venus and the moon in Gemini are teaming up to make you extra horny this weekend, Scorpio. If you’re shacked up with your S.O., use Friday night for an indoor date night complete with a home cooked meal, candles, booze, and a lot of long, awkward stares leading up to a bedroom romp. Saturday is for outdoor activities, so go for a jog or lie in a park far away from any other human beings. You may both be extra emotional, so try to keep things light and happy without becoming argumentative. It isn’t worth it when you’ll be forced to share space for another few weeks.


Focus on your bestie or your S.O. all weekend long, Sagittarius. Venus is pushing you to love on the people that mean the most in your life, so make time for those folks a la listening, phone calls, snuggles, date nights, etc. Do something nice like ordering their fav food or letting them watch that show you hate. Everyone’s a little stressed and sad with the current state of things, so it’s important that you’re making all the folks in your life feel extra loved.


Self-care is the name of the game this weekend, Capricorn. Although sitting around in sweats and binge watching (and eating) while in quarantine may feel like self-care, make sure you’re checking in on your mental health during these weird times, too. Use Saturday to shut off the news, ditch your phone, and go for a long walk (or run) outside. Pick some flowers, wave to neighbors (from a distance) and take in the scenes you used to take for granted. On Sunday, plant some herbs in or around your kitchen to boost your mood and your cooking.


Creative expression is your jam this weekend, Aquarius. Use Saturday to take up some kind of artistic expression, which can be anything from making glitter and macaroni pictures for your mom to tackling a Julia Child recipe. Try to have some fun with whatever you choose. You know, fun. That thing we used to have before everything was terrible.


Focus on home this weekend, Pisces. Sure, you’ve been sequestered in it for the last month, but the time is now to tidy up your space, take care of your very sad garden outside, or even bleach your baseboards. After all, a clean home is a happy home, right? After all that bullsh*t, get in the tub or shower and soak your troubles away.


You’re dying to learn a new skill this weekend, Aries, so pony up and spend some money on an online course, class, or something of the sort. Maybe you want to learn to cook like Gordon Ramsay, or maybe you want to finally be able to get by with a 3rd grade level of Spanish. Whatever the case, throw yourself into that this weekend to take your mind off that work project and the fact that your parents are like, not social distancing at all.

Images: Giphy (12)

Sarah Nowicki
Sarah Nowicki
Sarah Nowicki aka Betchy Crocker writes about food, fashion, and whatever else she's in the mood to complain about for Betches and like, some other people. She resides in Asheville, NC, where she spends her time judging hipsters and holding on to her Jersey heritage and superiority. Yell at her on Instagram @sarahnowicholson