The One Where Everyone Was A Sexual Harasser

Could There *Be* More Sexual Harassers?

Originally published in The Betches Sup Newsletter on 11/10/2017


Another day, another series of nauseating sexual abuse allegations against powerful men that make you think, “Hmm…should we just go ahead and cancel men? There’s an island made of trash in the Pacific that we could send them to and just send a robot to collect sperm from time to time. They apparently loooove masturbating…” Here’s a roundup of all the latest in sexual abuse news. I recommend you don’t eat before or after:

Turns out Louis CK is exactly as gross as he always claimed to be on stage. In an explosive New York Times piece, 5 women have come forward to say Louie either masturbated in front of them (ew) or asked to masturbate in front of them (also ew). Note to all men: we don’t want you to masturbate in front of us at work. Hope that clears up any confusion. Read more.

Six time Olympic medalist Aly Raisman added her name to the list of gymnasts who say they were abused by USA Gymnastics doctor Larry Nassar. So being a child Olympian doesn’t even protect you from abuse? It’s almost like this issue is systemic within our society or something…Read more.

Alabama GOP candidate Roy Moore is accused of attempting to start multiple relationships with underage girls when he was in his thirties. So if being an anti-gay, anti-woman, lunatic piece of shit wasn’t enough to hurt his campaign, maybe being a pedophile will? *Thinks about the Republican party for one second* Hmm nah he’ll probably be fine. Read more.

In response to the allegations against Moore, one Alabama state official said a thirty-year-old man trying to kiss a 14-year-old is NBD because, “Take Joseph and Mary. Mary was a teenager and Joseph was an adult carpenter. They became the parents of Jesus.” Umm…so a couple things here. 1) That was two thousand years ago. 2) No. Just no.  3) Def not a biblical scholar but, I’m pretty sure Mary and Joseph didn’t have sex. That’s kind of like…the whole point of their story, isn’t it? Read more.

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