The One Where Every Country Was Mad At Us

So Many International Conflicts, So Little Time

Originally published in the Betches Sup Newsletter 4/9/18

Three beautiful anti-democratic regimes stand before me, but only one can be America’s next military entanglement. Let’s meet our final three models oppressive governments, shall we?

The obvious frontrunner of this season is Syria, who has been smizing their way through rampant human rights violations since before Obama was eliminated. Syria and Russia are now blaming Israel for an airstrike on a Syrian military base Monday morning that killed 14 people. This strike comes just one day after reports of a chemical attack conducted by Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. Will high key genocide be the thing that puts Syria over the edge in the world’s most fucked up competition? Only time will tell…Read more.

Iran has had a slow burn this season but is rapidly stepping up their game in the finale. This week, Iran’s leaders issued a statement threatening President Trump if he were to pull out of the Iran nuclear deal (President Trump’s second favorite type of pulling out). Iranian leaders vowed a “strong response” if the deal was rescinded, and that the U.S. would “surely regret” reneging on the deal. Will these threats be enough to get Iran on the cover of Teen Apocalypse Magazine? Stay tuned…Read more.

North Korea started out extremely strong this season, but might end up settling for third place world peace instead. North Korea told the U.S. for the first time ever that it is DTDD (Down To Discuss Denuclearization) in the highly anticipated series finale meeting between President Trump and Kim Jong Un. Did diplomacy just lose them the top spot? Find out after this commercial break…Read more.

Apologies On Apologies

Celebrities! They’re just like us! Aka kind of dumb, dramatic, and unable to properly apologize for things.

Jimmy Kimmel is trying to end his drama with Sean Hannity over a joke Kimmel made making fun of the First Lady’s accent. Kimmel released a statement yesterday saying that he realizes that the “level of vitriol from all sides does nothing for the good of anyone,” and that he is “hopeful Sean Hannity will learn from this too and continue his newly-found advocacy for women, immigrants and First Ladies.” Ah, the old, “apologize sincerely but then ruin it by shading the person you’re apologizing to at the end because you don’t actually think you are wrong” technique. I know it well. Read Jimmy’s full apology here.

Self help guru/large yelling man Tony Robbins apologized Sunday for comments he made about the #MeToo movement in which he suggested that some women use it to “gain significant by playing the victim.” Because we all know the cool, awesome lives of fame and luxury that women who come forward about sexual abuse live. Read more.

Bill Cosby’s sexual assault retrial begins today and it’s already gunning for it’s own season of American Crime Story. This morning, a topless protester jumped a barricade and tried to ambush Cosby as he entered the court house. While I this protester’s efforts, I feel it is important to remind everyone that Bill Cosby is actually blind now, so topless protest may not be the way to get his attention. Read more.