We’re only two episodes deep in Nick Viall’s season of what some people like to call The Bachelor but what I like to call Nick Viall’s Tinder, but sadder and with more STIs and already Liz is whack AF. Especially whatever’s going on with the stories these women are trying to tell via their hair, makeup, clothes, accessories, and poor use of words.
But I’m not here to discuss who could and could not pass the GED. Or even what happened on night one—otherwise known as the red dress fiasco of 2017—because besides the dolphin/shark/Tilikum (RIP) costume there wasn’t really anything to note. Sure, Vanessa’s dress was heinous. Christen looked like a contestant on Toddlers & Tiaras, but that’s all par for the course. When the women are let loose to do their hair and makeup in a pinch and put together whatever they deem an “appropriate” outfit, that’s when shit gets really interesting. Enter: episode two.
In no particular order, here are the worst fashion and beauty looks from this week’s episode of The Bachelor (and their respective perpetrators).
1. Christen aka the poor man’s Kaitlyn Bristowe.
I would like to go out on a limb and assume that this was her just after she woke up, but it’s not. This appears to have been in the middle of the day. Christen is either a neglected sheep dog or an alcoholic, but probably both.
TF is this?
Seriously TF is that?
ME, thinking about Christen’s leopard headband a day later:
2. Franco aka the most underrated Franco brother
Omg, Dave! I love your onesie! Is it from American Apparel?
3. Liz aka Amy Dunne
^^^Liz’s spiritual advisor.
I call this look “psycho casual.”
I call this look “psycho medium casual.”
I call this look “psycho glam.”
I call this look “psycho white supremacist” or in layman’s terms, “Donald Trump.”
And this one is Liz after she murdered Nick and had to take a shower to rinse off all the blood. It has no name, but it is easy to replicate. All you have to do is wet your hair, disregard any modicum of dignity you have left in this cruel world, and be born dead inside.
4. Princess Taylor aka the pinnacle of mental health
As if you didn’t already have a hard time taking this one seriously, put the adult mental health counselor in a tutu and a crown.
5. Corrine aka the white/sluttier/not talented at all Janet Jackson
TBH though this is my favorite look thus far.
She’s giving me mad Shakira vibes here. But less hot. And with less of a grasp on the English language.
6. Josephine aka the nurse with ADHD who I would most certainly not trust with needles or sharp objects in general
Taking a page from Amanda Stanton’s handbook of “off-the-shoulder shirts from Nasty Gal that shouldn’t count as shirts.” Next up on the to-do list:
being verbally assaulted by dating Jesus freak fuckboy Josh Murray. Good luck, Josie!
Also, these crispy ring curls are sending me into a bout of depression.
7. I already forgot her name aka Jaws
And then for Hanukkah my parents got this pair of really expensive white gold hoops and I had to pretend like I didn’t even like them and…it was so sad.
Nick to Jaws: And did you know she cheats on Aaron?
Get a grip, Jaws! No one wears hoop earrings anymore. It’s civil rights. This is the ’90s. Also, happy boob birthday, you sweet little freak.