I believe that nothing good in life comes easy, and that includes interactions with the worse penis-toting sex. That’s why I don’t online date (anymore)—it all just seems easy. A little too easy. I’ll be honest, I’m convinced all men in existence are fuckboys, but especially on dating apps, all men are fuckboys. But they’re not all the same kind of fuckboy, and his dating app of choice says a lot about how he’ll eventually screw you over the kind of fuckboy he is. As someone who’s extremely jaded well-versed in dating apps, here’s how to pick your poison.
1. Tinder: The Degenerate Fuckboy
Simply put, this dude is brazen. We all know all guys are just looking to fuck on dating apps, but guys on other apps will at least give you the common decency of leading you on for a couple dates, introducing you to his friends so you let your guard down and let him smash, and then never calling you again. Who said chivalry is dead? Tinder, though, is a fiery post-apocalyptic wasteland where the guys don’t even try to hide the fact that they just want to get in and get out and may or may not give you crabs in the process. Honestly, just say no to Tinder. Unless you want some unattached, possibly diseased dick, then by all means, swipe away.
2. Bumble: The Nice Guy Fuckboy
We’ve already gone into the perils of the nice guy fuckboy. Girls go on Bumble because there’s a reputation that it’s “more serious” than Tinder. Also, there are strangely a lot of hot guys on it for some reason. But don’t be fooled by the Ryan Gosling lookalikes or the “serious” reputation—Bumble guys are a fucking trap. See, you *think* Bumble guys are feminists and down for the cause since they’ll let you message first, when in reality Bumble guys are the laziest type there is. Congratulations, Bumble ladies, you’ve just given up your one iota of power in the dating status quo: the ability to play gatekeeper. Now instead of eliminating guys based off terrible openers, YOU have to come up with the terrible one-liners. YOU get to view the ticking clock of rejection as your message goes unanswered for 10…18…24 hours. NOPE. Don’t do it. I have a secret conspiracy theory that Bumble attracts lazy nice guy fuckboys because they know they don’t have to put in any effort and you’ll come to them. Sure, they seem nice and might not open a conversation with a lewd invitation to see their penis, but start dating a fuckboy on Bumble and soon you’ll be picking out and buying your own birthday present because “you’re going to the store anyway and it just makes sense for you to do it.” IT’S A TRAP.
3. Hinge: The Organized Fuckboy
I say this because I just downloaded Hinge and I have no fucking clue how this app works. You mean to tell me Bumble will walk me through the steps of how to swipe in one of two directions every time I delete and then re-download the app, but Hinge, which is not intuitive in any sense, doesn’t have any instructions to be found anywhere? Okay. Sure. Makes sense. That’s why I say any guy who can successfully navigate Hinge probably keeps a detailed planner of all his dick appointments and their precise time and location. He’s not gonna end up in some botched John Tucker Must Die scenario where he accidentally double-books himself for six dates in a row (that was a Bumble rookie). He’ll have your dates planned to a T: where you go, how many drinks you have, how long he’ll plan to lead you on before ghosting you, timed down to the minute… oh, what’s that? Hinge is for guys who are “looking for relationships”? Same thing.
4. Happn: The Idiot Fuckboy
This guy is so dumb that he needs an app to help him hit on women who’ve literally crossed paths with him in real life. Like, that is what conventional dating is supposed to be. You see people you find attractive in real life? That’s what you have a mouth for: to cat call her from across the street approach someone IN PERSON and ask them out. I get the appeal of other dating apps like Tinder and the like that put you into contact with people you literally may have never encountered otherwise. Isn’t that the whole point of it? Show me a guy who uses Happn and I’ll show you a draft he’s written for a post on Craiglist Missed Connections, searching for “the beauty on the R train at 8:36am at Queens Plaza. Your eyes were lost in your phone, and my eyes were lost in your gorgeous flowing locks.” Any guy who uses this app probably doesn’t even know how to pay his own bills. Yeah, that correlates. Let’s go with it.
5. Coffee Meets Bagel: The Mama’s Boy Fuckboy
Am I just saying that because an app that’s literally called Coffee Meets Bagel sounds like a Jewish dating app and I have some internalized stereotypes? Yeah, probably. But maybe I’m onto something. The last time I downloaded this app in a fit of rage tried this out—which, admittedly, was years ago—you only got one match per day and it came in at precisely 12pm noon. If you took didn’t check the app every day at precisely that time, you’d miss it. Safe to say I never met anyone from Coffee Meets Bagel. Any guy who’s willing to put up with this overly regimented bullshit in an age where Tinder and Bumble exist is probably the type of guy who calls his mom at exactly 8pm every Sunday because if not she’ll “worry too much about him” (aka light his phone up like the goddamn Fourth of July) and who will remind you to take your birth control at 11pm on the dot, no matter where or how drunk you are. Honestly, he’s probably the best least awful fuckboy on here, and as long as you’re okay with always being second to his mother, he might be the move.