The Stoner Series: Top 10 Tell Tale Signs of a Stoner Betch

10. Having a strong opinion on all facets of weed culture: When it comes to smoking mechanisms, stoner tv shows, strains of weed, or anything else pertaining to daily pothead life, you’re a fucking expert in the field. Unless you’re realllllly high…then fucking watch whatever.

9. Setting alarms on your phone to remind you of everything: As stoner geniuses, we’re well aware of our shortcomings. But with our expanded propensity for studying conspiracies and watching drug war documentaries also come some less desired characteristics, namely extreme forgetfulness. Like, you'll forget you have to go to the bathroom even though you’re in the fucking bathroom. This is why one tell tale sign of a stoner is multiple alarms set on your phone. I mean how else are you going to remember your afternoon haircut if you don’t set an alarm on your phone for 1 labeled “HAIRCUT AT 2”? So what if your phone goes off in class 4 times, at least you’ll remember to text your roomie to DVR the Real Housewives Reunion.

8. Being the last in every session to actually get high: Never ceases to be true, and never ceases to suck. No matter how many times you coax your non stoner friends into blazing, you will always take a minimum of 5 more hits to even come close to their highness. But as we always say, better to have smoked and be less high than everyone else than to never have smoked at all.

7. Not being hungry unless you’re high: This one seems obvious, but the full extent to which it is true can’t really be appreciated until you experience it yourself. When being high is your constant state, you become accustomed to its pitfalls, like an increased appetite. However, it’s a double edged sword because even though you might be able to eat an inhuman amount while high, when sober the thought of food is virtually non existent. Therefore, every stoner knows that if a big event is on the horizon, all you need to do to not eat is simply not smoke. More realistically though, we’ll just end up taking adderall and not giving up the greens. Talk about the best of both worlds. 

6. Having emergency stashes/contingency plans: We’ve all found ourselves in the earth-shattering situation in which you need to get high and your drug dealer is on mental vaca. Luckily, stoners are fucking resourceful and we always have some sort of emergency stash and/or contingency plan. Whether it be the shake your ex-boyfriend/ex-drug dealer left in your room last summer or the weed-dust in your drawer, if there’s one thing stoners know it’s that there is ALWAYS a way. I mean don’t tell me you’ve never woken up beyond hungover and resorted to holding your piece with a towel over the carb and inhaling the residue. It’s not desperation; it’s fucking survival skills.  

5. Multiple phone contacts with the word “weed” in it: Because drug dealers are so unreliable, you obviously have more numbers in your contacts pertaining to marijuana than you do cousins. They will always be filed so as to remind you where they sell weed from or where you met them—their name is irrelevant. I mean how the fuck else are you going to remember the guy you bought weed from in Sigma Chi if you don’t save him in your contacts as “Sigma Chi Weed”? Knowing that his name is Dustin is neither here nor there.

4. The ability to obtain weed in any city, state, or country: Generally speaking, stoners keep to themselves. It’s not that we’re antisocial it’s just that we’re high and would rather have a very active high dialogue in our minds than with you. So usually you don't speak to anyone, but all of a sudden you find yourself needing weed in a foreign environment and you're networking like you're at a fucking job fair. I guess that bitch at my internship was right: it really is about who you know.

3. Ability to eyeball: Among many others, one gift bestowed upon stoners is the ability to know the life story of any serving of marijuana simply by looking at it. From the obvious such as amount or freshness, to the more obscure characteristics such as strain, only genuine stoners have the skills to tell you the precise origin of any given bud, simply by looking at it. Honestly with scientific instincts like that, we could seriously find the cure to HIV or herpes…if only we would, ya know, stop getting high (not happening).

2. Scheduling life around smoking: This will be the only part of your life to which you give any organizational thought. Seeing a movie? Allow an extra 45 minutes for smoking time. Going to class? Pack a batty 15 minutes prior to leaving. New episode of South Park at 10? Start a massive bong session one hour beforehand. You get the picture… Scheduling your smoking is just as, if not more important than scheduling your pedicure or like studying. After all, what’s more important: a good grade or a good high? Exactly.

1. Being chill: It seems obvious, but the one true way to pinpoint a stoner is that they are always just chillinnnnn. They’ve always got a big fucking smile on their face because, why wouldn’t they? They’re high, they’re happy and they just really don’t give a shit about whatever it is you’re pouting over. We’ve said it before, we’ll say it again: if there was a bit more pot smoking in the world, there’d be a lot less war. As our friend Bob would say, don’t worry. Be happy. And smoke some fucking marijuana.

Honorable Mention – Believing you are psychic: Don't tell us you don't think so. 


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