WARNING: SHITTY YET PREDICTABLE SPOILERS
This week we saw the much-anticipated movie The Other Woman. While we went into it convinced it was going to be an unfunny John Tucker Must Die for middle aged flosers, we came out of it having both actually enjoyed ourselves and Google searching where Jamie Lannister’s weird, unexplained accent is from. (It’s Denmark. You’re welcome.)
To sum this movie up, Cameron Diaz is dating Mark for two months when he bails on meeting her dad to fix his flooding basement in his mansion in Connecticut (which is a totally normal place for a supposedly single guy in his 30s who works in Manhattan to live). She then gets creepy sex advice from her dad aka the Dos Equis man who tells her to go there and seduce him while dressed as a sexy plumber and (surprise!) Leslie Mann, Jamie’s wife opens the door in her boring housewife nightgown. Note to the writers: in no world is a woman carrying a prop that is used to extract shit from a toilet hot in any way.
While Cameron Diaz managed to get the stylish wardrobe, Leslie Mann outfits were comparable to the following things throughout this movie:
A Lilly Pulitzer showroom where floral prints go to die
An Asian tourist
An Easter egg
For some reason, Leslie Mann has like zero friends so she decides to become besties with Cam in a pathetic attempt to deal with her nervous breakdown. Cam, whose only friend/coworker is Nicki Minaj, has all her guarded, angry lawyer walls up. But don’t worry, cute little Leslie with her malnourished collarbones popping out and perfected neurotic housewife drama manages to weasel her way into some drunken sleepovers and legal advice.
The two of them decide to spy on Mark together because that’s totally normal. Cameron makes her first of many road trips to Connecticut to chill with her boyfriend’s wife and by proxy discovers Leslie’s chivalrous and bearded contractor-brother. After a funny meltdown regarding the merits of feng shui, Leslie tells her brother that her husband is cheating on her. Naturally he reacts by laughing at her and then states his fake anger at her husband in some of the worst acting displays I’d ever seen until Kate Upton debuted on screen 15 minutes later. It’s important to note that Leslie’s brother is literally the only contractor in the world with enough money and free time for a beachfront property in the Hamptons.
Leslie’s brother and his angels head out to the Hamptons to catch Mark with Kate Upton, who must just be male hot because I don’t get what the big fucking deal about her is. Sure, she looks pretty good but who the fuck could jog down the beach in a string bikini with their double D boobs fully intact? Kate somehow magically ditches Mark and spends the weekend partying with his wife and other mistresses around a sandy fire pit. I think I became dumber just watching Kate Upton speak. The three magically become best friends despite their age gap, complete difference in personalities, and the fact that they’re all fucking the same guy. It’s like, girl power, you know?
To make a long story somewhat shorter, the girls perform a number of slapstick routines on Mark, giving him estrogen pills, laxatives in his whiskey, and Nair in his shampoo, all of which were ripped off from John Tucker Must Die and provided pretty shitty humor. Like, I thought Jamie was hot, I really didn’t need to see him with elongated nipples and a Not Another Teen Movie inspired shitting scene. This is a girl’s movie not a Louis CK dialogue.
The big revelation comes when they take all Mark’s money after discovering his off shore accounts while on vaca in the Bahamas. Side note: who paid for Kate Upton’s flight to Nassau? Also, Leslie Mann stupidly throws her ugly engagement and wedding rings into the ocean for effect, because she thinks she’s Rose from Titanic or some shit when really she’s more like Carrie from the Sex and The City movie.
This movie was a classic case of the writers throwing in the towel by the final scene. The women confront Mark, who at first tries to apologize and then freaks out and runs into a glass wall of emotions (literally and figuratively). This was totally unnecessary but they did a good job of bringing us back to the Purple Wedding. (Doesn’t anyone have anything else to do all day besides scheme about how to take this guy down? Like, not even Cameron’s dad?) The movie ends with Leslie getting a real job, Cameron finding love with Leslie’s brother, and Kate Upton marrying Cameron’s weird, old dad. They then get together and toast to having friends. Um, okay?
So at the end of the day we learned a few things from The Other Woman. Nicki Minaj and Kate Upton should stick to their day jobs, Leslie Mann and Cameron Diaz are perfect at playing the same role they always play (uptight wife who pees in front of her husband and single bitch, respectively), and selfish people live longer. But wait, we already knew that last one.