ADVERTISEMENT

A Pump-Up Playlist To Motivate You Through Bathroom Time

Tortured poets? More like tortured tummies. A side effect of being just a girl is that your tummy is just a sensitive tummy and can ruin your day at any moment. Has a male recently given you a searing stomach pain? Are you experiencing emotional motion sickness? Dealing with your run-of-the-mill, average Joan sick day? Oh, do I have the tummy ache playlist for you. As a woman with a partially-functioning stomach and a mildly concerning obsession with pop stars, I felt called to craft the cure for our persistent aches. After a very scientific trial, I’m happy to share that study participants (me, myself, and I) experienced happier stomachs while listening to these tunes during our times of need.

Reneé Rapp, Ice Spice, Ariana Grande, and more are here for us and our tummies, thank goodness. I dare say the choosing and careful ordering of all these sickening (hehe) bops is my magnum opus. In fact, if Rolling Stone deems my musical tummy project an “instant classic” like I expect, I might even release a double tummy playlist —Tortured Tummies Department-style, if you will. Get ready for your life and insides to change. I gift you: The Official Tummy Ache Playlist.

The Official Tummy Ache Playlist For When Your Tummy Needs Tunes

“Tummy Hurts”  – Reneé Rapp ft. Coco Jones

It was a m*n who gave Reneé the tummy ache that inspired this song. So at least a m*n did something useful once? This is a certified tummy bop.

“Think U The Shit (Fart)” – Ice Spice

People’s Princess Ice Spice insults her enemy by pointing out that they’re “not even the fart.” And I happen to feel the same way about my enemies. My tummy is bursting with empowerment.

“Bubbly” – Colbie Caillat

Although Colbie uses “bubbly” to describe someone’s face, our tummies have firsthand experience with bubbles and can majorly relate to this sensation. Tummy-approved.

“SICKO MODE” – Travis Scott

“Not feeling well”? Try again, babe. We’re in “sicko mode.” It’s called reframing your perspective.

“Cherry Flavored Stomach Ache” – HAIM

Why have a boring, vanilla stomach ache when you could have a cherry flavored one with the iconic girlies of Haim? Step it up, I beg you.

“Sick” – Dominic Fike

Even Dominic’s tummy feels down in the dumps sometimes. But he still manages to sound angelic while suffering. Thank you for your tummy playlist service, king.

“bellyache” – Billie Eilish

The young pop icon gifted us with this poetry in 2017 (back when she was about two years old). “Now I got a bellyache,” Billie sings. Hit the nail on the stomach. Ow.

“Stomach” – Aly & AJ

At this point in the playlist, your tummy is probably hurting more from all the dancing. My apologies. We’re (kind of) taking it down a notch for a sec with this mid-tempo stomach ballad. Love my Disney Channel alumni queens.

“Motion Sickness” – Phoebe Bridgers

“Somebody roll the windows down!” – my stomach. No, but seriously, we as a society need to be discussing emotional motion sickness more.

“Upset Stomach” – Stevie Wonder

If anything can revitalize our tummies, it’s thee Stevie Wonder relating to our ailments. I hope this legend feels better ASAP.

“get well soon” – Ariana Grande

And finally, we enter our healing era with this majestic Sweetener track. Ari took the words right outta my mouth: “You gotta take care of your body, yuh yuh.”

Ilana Frost
Ilana Frost
Ilana Frost is an entertainment writer at Betches. As a teenage girl in her twenties, she spends her time stanning Olivia Rodrigo, baking cakes for award shows, and refusing to ever leave her Reputation era.