The Official Betches’ Ranking of Online Dating Sites

Apparently 1 in 5 relationships start online now, which is a big enough percentage to have caught our attention. Seeing as the types of online dating sites out there are more diverse than the cast of SNL we figured you don’t want to jump into those murky waters without our help. So we've broken down all the sites worth knowing about or at least ones that we've heard about. If you guys are hooking up on other weird shit, let us know, or don't, for your own dignities' sake. 

Online dating basically comes in three forms: shit you have to pay for, shit you don’t have to pay for, and apps. First we’ll cover the sites you have to pay for because like they say, nothing good ever comes free and without an extensive background check.

Sites You Have to Pay For Seems legit enough. Do you love #212 Buzzfeed quizzes? has all the personality tests of Buzzfeed but with like half the fun and twice the pressure. 

E Harmony: Pretty sure that’s for old people, right? I always see that grandpa bro with the white hair on those commercials and I'm like, why would I want your wrinkly face promoting love sex and relationships? Or is that the Christian one?

How About We: This site is ideal if you’re an out-of-the-box-thinking overachiever whose idea of getting to know someone includes spending all day with them at devouring fucking baguettes at Eataly, then by all means knock yourself out.

JDate: Many success stories on this one, also many Andy Andersons who may or may not “bump into you” by your apartment to walk with you to work the next day, despite it being in a completely different neighborhood. Perfect for the JAB with the overbearing mother who won’t stop bothering her to “meet a nice Jewish boy and settle down already.” 

Grouper: The company coordinates a blind group date between you and two of your besties and a group of 3 guy friends. Grouper picks the place and pays for the first drink but not really because you paid for the one time service. The date can be extremely awkward, totally fine, or a complete shit show. In most scenarios there's always one person, guy and/or girl, left with the unattractive friend. 

Interracial People Meet: Perfect for the JAB who’s looking to get back at her aforementioned overbearing mother.

Seeking Arrangement: We’re all for getting older guys to pay for shit, but if you’re going to make a profile on Seeking Arrangement you might as well just send out your resume to an escort service. Let’s be real, this shit is just a “mutually beneficial relationship” like A1 on Breaking Bad was “just a car wash.”

Sites You Don’t Have to Pay For

OKCupid: Maybe you’re not sure you need to fully commit to online dating, maybe you’re Hannah Horvath and you just got cut off, maybe you’re an unpaid intern. Whatever the reason, OKCupid doesn’t come with a monthly membership, and the layout doesn’t look like complete shit, so that’s a plus. The downside is it gives you a lot of work in the form of a fuckton of useless questions such as, “Do you believe morality is universal, or relative?” and “How do you feel about documentaries?” Overall too much work. 

Plenty of Fish: Good if you hate doing work, bad if you’re not good at writing paragraphs about yourself without any prompts whatsoever. At least for whatever reason guys on POF are less likely to use a corny pickup line on you, maybe because guys on POF are smart enough to know that shit doesn’t work? Or maybe they’re too lazy to think of puns, unclear. The bad news is the homepage looks more chaotic than Hiroshima in 1945. I can’t tell which are my potential matches and which are Pornhub ads… Is Claire in Decatur who wants to show me a good time the real deal, or…?

Zoosk: What the actual fuck is Zoosk? Literally the login page just looks like a more racially diverse version of Guess Who.



Tinder: Not so much a dating app as it is a “meet up for one drink and then shadily fuck in his backseat in a parking lot” app. If you’re looking to go on actual dates, be prepared to weed through a lot of people because the amount of dudes looking for relationships on Tinder is approx. equal to the amount of people who use VHS.

Grindr: Gays sign in and look through who's down to bang close by. Simple enough. The #52 GBFF says it's legit and he's never been wrong before so… There's a straight version called Blendr. Or Craigslist. 

Coffee Meets Bagel: At first I thought this was some sort of Jewish sex ring….just me? Anyway, if you’re the betch that keeps every detail of her life planned out on her iPad, from brunch with her little down to her next orgasm, Coffee Meets Bagel was made for you. You only get one match per day and just like your birth control, you get it at 12pm sharp, which is also perf if you’re the BSCB who has less self-control over texting all the guys in her phonebook than high James Franco at a Domino’s.

Hinge: Imagine a world where you don’t have to ask your friends to set you up, because an app does it for you. Betches, that app is Hinge. This app has everything: extensive questions about your preferences, the same swipe format as Tinder/Grindr, a whole lot of your personal information, and a completely faulty system that basically renders the app useless 70% of the time. 

Just beware that like your mom on Facebook, Hinge has no problem sharing practically everything there is to know about you, including the identities of mutual friends, your job, and even your last name. Personally I’m not so sure I’m down with all that transparency but if you’re the trusting type then this is the app for you.

Just one word of advice. If you're going to online date don't put up pictures of you from 2007 before you started hitting the bottle hard in college and then wonder why no one is asking you out on a second date. Be truthful on your profile and the guys who are looking for you will ask you out. And put full body shots so there are no surprises. If you're overweight, guys who are into that will message you. If you don't like those types of guys, go on a fucking diet. It's not a science. 

Look on the bright side, betches, if the whole online dating thing doesn’t work out, you can always meet people you know, in real life, or like freeze your eggs.


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