The NSA knows you better than you know you
In case you haven't heard of the NSA, it's just this organization that can and will spy on your every move. Today the New York Times reports (and sent a news alert, so you know this is big) that the NSA and British intelligence have been obtaining all your secrets from your smartphone apps since 2007. How convenient, they started right when I got my first Blackberry, just as my phone became where I store MY ENTIRE LIFE. Basically every time you open Facebook, maps, Twitter, LinkedIn, etc., you're giving them access to everything in your phone. I mean there's a part of me that doesn't care THAT much because I'm not a terrorist (you can check my texts, NSA!) and I definitely want them to catch the actual terrorists, but like…maybe it's time for Apple to change their little pop-up notification from “Would you like to allow Angry Birds to access your address book and location?” to “Are you sure you want to let the entire American and British governments read those texts to your weed dealer?”
Just a casual document from 2010 detailing what data they take from you. Pay no attention.
There are no gays in Sochi
The mayor of Sochi confirms that the Olympics will be free of gay people because there are no homosexuals in Sochi. Literally, none. Out of the 343,000 people who live in Sochi he says it is impossible for there to be any homosexuals. How does the mayor know this? The only two ways I can imagine are that he had them all killed (making him a murderer) or he went looking for some gay sex and couldn't find any (making him a homosexual). I have a feeling he would be more ashamed of the latter.
I know a lot of straight men who would wear that.
is a virgin who can't drive
According to Business Insider, Hillary Clinton hasn't driven a car since 1996. Cue the women can't drive jokes. Or don't, because the only reason she doesn't drive is because she has a driver, as all politicians do when they're like, really important. On the other hand, the queen of fucking England drives herself places (as far as Helen Mirren taught me). Really Hillary, the last time you drove a car I was in like second grade. I just don't know if I can get behind a candidate who can truthfully say they never text while driving.
Hillary Clinton, she's just like us!
Eccentric billionaire compares the 'war on 1%' to Nazi Germany
Some billionaire (actual name: Tom Perkins) wrote a letter to the Wall Street Journal that's causing a stir because he compared the “war on the rich” to the Holocaust. He's upset because he lives in San Francisco and he says that the rich people there are villainized because they get to ride their special buses to Google and he can sense there is a “growing hatred” of the 1%. Before we know it the billionaires will have to start wearing arm bands and giving up their businesses. I can't believe you guys haven't heard about the ghettos they're building to round up all the rich people yet.
Don't say he didn't warn you about the Fourth Reich.