Starbucks just launched a new drink today called the Unicorn Frappuccino, and it’s basically the Mountain Dew of coffee. I mean, even more so than the Frappuccino already is, because that’s barely coffee TBH. It’s more like a coffee-based method for 14-year-old betches-in-training to ingest 500 calories of pure sugar. And in case you were wondering exactly how extra this drink truly is, here’s the description from Starbucks: “Like its mythical namesake, the Unicorn Frappuccino blended crème comes with a bit of magic, starting as a purple beverage with swirls of blue and a first taste that is sweet and fruity.” Ughhh. Excuse me, I think I just rolled my eyes so hard I need some OJ to help with the comedown.
First of all, it just doesn’t seem that hard for a drink to change from pink to purple. Mermaid Barbie pioneered that technology in like, 1995 to make our bathtimes more magical—so sorry Starbucks, but I am not impressed. Second of all, and most importantly, this sounds disgusting. Like drinking a glass of liquid Nerds.
The monstrosity drink is only available from April 19-23, or at least that’s what Starbucks is claiming, though just like when your man says the Insta model whose photos he keeps liking is “his friend from high school,” we’re a little suspicious. Much like an actual unicorn, we hope this drink also disappears and goes extinct (Unicorns went extinct, right?). Starbucks wanted to get in on the rainbow trend because apparently the key to getting kids to buy your shit is to make it look like a Kesha music video. We’ve already talked about why the rainbow trend is basic, and this drink is no different. I’m sorry to all the boring nice girls out there who think buying colorful shit makes them interesting, but liking mermaids and unicorns and shit as an adult is not a personality. It is a disorder. Seek help.
So like, WTF is actually in this drink? According to the ingredients page on Starbucks’ site, there’s Mango syrup, Blue Drizzle, Pink Powder, Sour Blue Powder, and Whipped Cream. The blue drizzle is made of “Condensed Skim Milk, Coconut Oil, Cocoa Butter, Natural Flavor, Salt, Potassium Sorbate, and Monoglycerides” so basically neither fruit nor coffee. Let’s be real though, nobody’s buying this for the taste. This is strictly an #eatingfortheinsta situation.
Bottom line, people who like this drink probably liked the movie Suicide Squad and dressed up as Harley Quinn for Halloween. The only thing that could save us here is if this is all one big Banksy prank about capitalism, or at the very least a Dumb Starbucks situation. If we really think about it, this is probably our fault in some way. We all used the rainbow Snapchat filters, and now Starbucks is just giving us the Frappuccino version of that. You know what they say, one great Snap Story halfway across the world can have huge affects here at home. They call that shit The Unicorn Effect.
