I’ll be honest, it’s been a long time since I sat down and watched Dancing With The Stars. Back when the show first started in 2005, I was too young to really know who most of the people were, and I’m not exactly a ballroom dance super fan. But still, over the years I’ve watched random episodes of DWTS, and there’s a reason it’s now going into its 28th season. 28 is an insane number, but there are apparently still plenty of celebs who are dying to compete for the mirrorball trophy. Case in point: today ABC announced the cast for the upcoming season, and it’s…incredible?
Each of the 12 contestants on the new season is more random than the next, and I really have to applaud the casting team for digging up this prime bunch. Let’s go through the contestants, while I ponder whether I might need to start watching? Tom Bergeron’s jokes are bad, but I might suffer through just to see this circus.
It’s no surprise that our sweet Bachelorette Hannah B is headed straight to Dancing With The Stars. This has been rumored for a while, and past Bachelor Nation members like Nick Viall and Melissa Rycroft have also competed on the show. Hey, if Hannah’s not going to end up with Jed or Tyler, maybe she can find love in the arms of a hot Eastern European ballroom dancer? It’s what she deserves. If she doesn’t do a dance to the Alabama fight song within the first three episodes, I’ll be shocked.
No relation to Hannah Brown, Karamo is the first of Queer Eye’s Fab Five to compete on DWTS. Karamo’s job on Queer Eye has never been completely clear to me, but maybe he’s an amazing dancer. Or maybe he’ll just skip the dancing and make straight men in the studio audience cry while teaching them important lessons about embracing their inner fabulousness. But he’s probably also a good dancer.
Lauren Alaina is one of the more random people on this list, because she was on a season of American Idol after everyone stopped watching. She’s a country music artist, and has actually been pretty successful in that genre, so good for her. Among her career achievements is a headlining set at Stagecoach (!!!), where I’m willing to bet Blake Horstmann slid into her DMs.
Christie Brinkley is definitely too good to be on this show, but she’s a supermodel in her 60s, so I guess a gig is a gig. It pains me to say this, but if you’re a young person, you might only recognize her as Jerry’s wife Gail from Parks & Recreation. To be honest, I’m shocked she hasn’t been on Dancing With The Stars before, but I guess there’s a first time for everything.
You might recognize the name Ray Lewis, but you probably need a little more background to understand why he’s important. He played for the Baltimore Ravens from 1996 t0 2012, but had to take a quick break in 2000, when he was indicted on murder charges. He copped a plea deal and didn’t do prison time, and went on to become the Super Bowl MVP the next year. He also caused controversy in 2016 when he met with Donald Trump about the economy. When asked about Trump’s history of racially insensitive behavior, Lewis said that “black or white is irrelevant.” Let’s hope he sticks to dancing and not politics on DWTS.
Mary Wilson is best known as the longest-running member of The Supremes, though she usually got overshadowed by Diana Ross in the group. She’s 75 years old, so it’s honestly just impressive that she’s doing this. I mean, I’m in my 20s and I don’t even like to get out of bed on the weekends, so you go girl.
Ally Brooke rose to fame as a part of Fifth Harmony, but her solo career hasn’t blown up like Camila Cabello or Normani yet. Normani went on DWTS a couple years ago, and she’s been doing great since then, so maybe the show will have the same effect for Ally. I’ve actually met her, and she’s super nice, so I guess I’m rooting for her. And by “rooting for her,” I mean that I’m not going to watch the show, but I’ll probably notice on Instagram when she posts about getting sent home.
Yeah, so Kel from Kenan & Kel is still alive, and he’s going on Dancing With The Stars. Good stuff. I don’t really have anything to say about Kel going on this show, except I hope he does a great job. Whatever.
James Van Der Beek
I never made it all the way through Dawson’s Creek, but I absolutely love this for James Van Der Beek. Good for him. It’s also funny, because I’m pretty sure when he played a fictionalized version of himself on Don’t Trust The B In Apartment 23, he said that he would never go on Dancing With The Stars. Oh how the turn tables have…turned. Oh, and one more thing. In the official cast bios, they say that he has both four and five children, and I don’t care enough to look the real answer up, but I really hope someone at ABC didn’t just reveal a secret love child. (I looked it up. He has five kids. Kinda disappointed there’s no love child.)
You might not recognize her name, but this is f*cking MEREDITH from The Office. I’m screaming. I will only accept this casting if she shows up in character, aka fully blackout and not wearing panties. I need some drama!! This is the exact kind of has-been I want them to cast on this show, because she both needs the paycheck, and will most likely bring the entertainment value.
HAHAHA. To be honest, I feel like it’s touch and go if Lamar Odom is even like, alive and functioning these days, so good for him if he’s really ready to be doing professional level ballroom dancing. He also just said that he’s giving up watching porn to combat his sex addiction, so maybe dancing is just what he needs to take his mind off of…other things. I really hope Khloé Kardashian remembers to set up her DVR for the first episode, because I have a feeling he might not make it to week two.
And for the final, most insane glitch in the simulation—Sean Spicer. Literally what were they thinking? Is there anyone out there who wants to see Sean Spicer doing the rumba? I don’t want to see Sean Spicer doing literally anything! I saw him on the street once in Midtown, and it ruined my entire day! Are people going to like, clap for him? Is Carrie Ann Inaba going to give him a charitable 8 because she can tell he’s trying? I don’t want any part of this! The only way this will be okay is if it’s actually Melissa McCarthy in her Sean Spicer drag. That, I will allow.
Images: ABC; laurenalaina, mwilsonsupreme, iamkelmitchell, therealkateflannery, Seanmspicer / Instagram