The Most Eligible Players In Super Bowl LIII

Super Bowl LIII is finally here this weekend! (That’s 53 for those of you who didn’t pay attention in your lesson on Roman numerals.) That means it’s time for us to get drunk on beer for the first time in 2019 (calories don’t count during the Super Bowl, right?) and pretend to care about who’s going to win the game. We all know the real reason betches like to watch the Super Bowl. It’s not about the food, or the drinks, or the commercials—it’s about finding the hot players that we can pretend we have a shot with. So we found the hottest guys on both teams who are single. Time to fire up those DMs and shoot your shot.

Julian Edelman, New England Patriots Wide Receiver
Julian Edelman

I know, I started this list with a guy under 6 feet—such a faux pas! That being said, he’s single, hot as hell, and getting paid 11 million for two years. Most importantly, he’s an ex to Victoria’s Secret model Adriana Lima, so if you landed him you’re practically Angel status.

Philip Dorsett, New England Patriots Wide Receiver
Philip Dorsett

After doing some serious social media stalking, I think it’s safe to say that Philip Dorsett is as single as can be. Sure, he also isn’t 6 feet tall, but just looking at that face makes me feel butterflies. The fact that he’ll make $8 million over 4 years makes me feel butterflies too. 

Braxton Berrios, New England Patriots Wide Receiver

Some light social media stalking has led me to conclude Braxton is single. What I mean by that is I googled “Braxton Berrios girlfriend” and the only result that came up was this tweet:

So let’s assume Braxton is single. He’s only 5’9″, but he signed a four-year contract with the Patriots worth over $2 million, which is probably $2 million more than I will ever make in my lifetime. He was placed on the injured reserve list in September 2018, but hey, maybe you can nurse him back to health.

John Johnson III, Los Angeles Rams Safety
John Johnson

The fact that John Johnson III is only 23 years old is making me revisit my whole “don’t date younger guys” philosophy. This stud recently dyed his dreads bleach blonde this year because it’s “the easiest color to spot. Same reason why cabs in New York are yellow.” Marry me now? Oh, and give me the name of your hairdresser, please—my roots look terrible. 

Jared Goff, Los Angeles Rams Quarter Back
Jared Goff

Okay fine, Jared looks like a goofy Ryan Gosling. But he’s quarterbacking a football team in the Super Bowl at 24 years old and has a 27.9 million, 4-year contract. So he’s hot enough. Rumor has it he’s dating some model/actress but the most credible thing on her IMDB is playing “Teenage Girl #1” on Entourage in 2006, so I think we all still have a shot.