The Five Stages of Using Tinder

Remember when you first got Tinder? It’s been a while, but apparently it still has a shady following. Like I actually hear about people meeting on Tinder still and them it’s like, wait, people still use that?? Apparently some do, but then there are those of us who went through the five stages and are sooo #82 over it.

1.  Kid in a candy store

Like a sixth grader at Dylan’s Candy Bar—you know, back when that was still a thing—your enthusiasm is unstoppable. You will swipe through the masses and get so many matches that you’ll wonder if this many people seem to find you attractive, why did you have to resort to tinder in the first place?

2.  Wide-eyed naiveté

You’re the Tinder game Ted Mosby. Everyone that messages you could be The One, even the guy that says, “Hey girl, you make me wanna douse you in green paint and spank you like a disobedient avocado!” …Ok, maybe not him. You give out your number with the eagerness of an elderly couple giving out candy on Halloween. You text and consider meeting up with nearly everyone who asks, because you don’t want to fuck with “destiny.”

3.  Reality check

All these guys are complete idiots and 5 minutes into getting your number they’re going to ask you for nudes.

4. Extreme jadedness

“There are no good men left in the world. At least Tinder is doing me a favor by exposing these jerks for the vapid, sex-starved animals they are right off the bat so I don’t have to bother putting my trust in them first.” You’ll still swipe through people all the time because let’s be real it’s fun but every time you get a new match or message your heart drops a little. “That’s just one more asshole who’s going to act normal until he thinks he can get it in…” You’re beginning to make Taylor Swift look well-adjusted. The ‘block’ button becomes your new best friend.

5. Tinder what?

By this point you’ve either met a guy IRL or you’ve realized that Tinder is kind of stupid. You haven’t been on in so long you’re not sure if you even have it anymore, and when someone brings it up it’s kind of like when someone brings up some rando from your high school: “Ohhhh yeah I almost forgot about Tinder! Is Tinder still around these days? What’s Tinder up to? Does anyone even talk to Tinder anymore? Last I heard Tinder was pregnant with triplets, can anyone confirm?” You get the idea.