The Do’s and Don’ts of March Madness

Today, the NCAA men’s basketball tournament begins in earnest, ushering in both March Madness and spring, both of which America has been looking forward to with great fervor. Looking at the forecast, it appears that March Madness might somehow last longer than spring, because it seems like no matter how hard spring tries to break in, winter remains passed out drunk in front of the door. Does winter not realize how hard it is to get laid when all the rooftop bars are closed? I mean, seriously…

Anyway, you all know what the fuck March Madness is, either because you read my post last year or by virtue of not living under a goddamned bridge. As you enjoy the ensuing revelry and mercilessly brief warm tolerable weather, keep in mind these simple do’s and dont’s:

Do: Have a bracket filled out

The deadline for most bracket submissions was around noon today. Whoops. I guess I’m a little late on that one. Sorry, I have obligations. Also, if you didn’t know to get a bracket in on time, this probably isn’t your speed. Stick to fantasy baseball or some shit, which is sadly a thing that exists.

Don’t: Feel bad about missing work or school to watch the first sets of games

Look, let’s agree upon two facts: 1) If you’re in school, I don’t care what you’re studying because it won’t do jack shit to assure your future happiness. 2) If you have a job, you know (1) to be inarguably true, and are also coming to terms with the fact that whatever you do for a living is utterly and totally meaningless. You know what WILL make you happy, though? Skipping that shit to watch approximately 38,000 basketball games at once.

Do: Print out your bracket so you can talk shit

If talking shit is betches’ favorite thing to do, it’s because they learned it by observing bros casually watch sports with people that they presumably like. You don’t want to get stuck watching a game without a hard copy of their bracket, because people will in fact talk shit about you for being the person who’s all “shit, who do I want to win this game?” NCAA brackets: Like SparkNotes for your social life in March.

Don’t: Stress over it too much

Yes, again I’m aware that bracket tinkering time is over. Still, there will be people who agonize over every fucking choice they made like they were forced to use it to rewrite the Geneva Conventions. It’s really not that big a deal. “Bracketology” is barely more of a science than picking stocks, which itself is barely more of a science than having monkeys fling their shit at a dartboard. Warren Buffet is offering $1 BILLION to anyone who produces a perfect bracket. That’s how unlikely it is.

Do: Day drink as much as possible

As the tournament wears on and the games become fewer, they move more into primetime territory so as to capture the attention of as many middle American mouth-breathers as possible. Due to sheer volume, however, this weekend and next week will feature plenty of games during daylight hours. With warm weather on the horizon and the fact that you’re telling work to fuck off, how could you NOT see that as an excuse to get shitfaced at 2 PM on a Friday?

Don’t: Root for Duke

Duke always manages to do just a little bit better than they should in these things, but don’t root for them. They’re probably the only school I can think of where literally the ONLY people who like them are active students and alumni. You could live on-fucking-top of Duke’s campus, but if you don’t go there and no one in your family did, you are obligated to hate them. Also, because fuck Duke.

That’s all for now. Happy March Madness, betches.


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