The Love is Blind finale dropped yesterday, and now we FINALLY know if love truly is blind, or if it just wants to sell you FabFitFun boxes on Instagram. Life’s eternal question! What’s also exciting about the fact that we now have all the Love is Blind episodes (Don’t you EVER do this network TV staggered drop sh*t to me again, Netflix) is that we finally get the full picture of our contestants. I don’t love when I’m on a contestant’s side for a solid eight hours of TV, profess my love for them in an article that you all read, and then have them zip off their skin suit in the finale to reveal they were actually the devil himself all along, and then I have to take it back. Admitting I was wrong is so not my style. I’m a Taurus, people! So now that I’ve watched all the episodes, and have a full view of who these people are, I feel confident that I can bring you all my DEFINITIVE ranking of the Love is Blind contestants, ranging from “I wouldn’t run away if I saw you in Duane Reade” to “I’m calling the police.” And if they eventually zip off their skin suit on a reunion, I will be SO MAD.
*Also, before you carry on, SPOILER ALERT. Do not keep reading if you haven’t watched the finale yet! I don’t want to hear about it in the comments, mmkay?*
Lauren is obviously the big winner in Love is Blind. She never seemed psycho, I mean, other than the fact that she got engaged on like, day four. She also realized she could still be herself, and advocate for what she believes in, despite the race of the person she married. I watched the finale episode with my mom, who had not seen any other episode, and she said of Lauren and her bridal party, “they’re all cute” which is simultaneously the nicest and only printable comment she made the whole episode, which obviously means Lauren was impressive. Plus, I’m glad she and Cam got married because I feel like the show really needed one functioning relationship to take the plunge. And yes, she said dammit in her vows and that’s when my love for her was truly cemented. Lauren, I’ll see you at Duane Reade!
Mark was too pure for this world. Even though he was the 24-year-old in a relationship with a 34-year-old, he was the one that acted like the adult. Sure, I questioned his taste when he watched Jessica share a glass of wine with her dog and he didn’t immediately call Animal Control, but we all have blindspots. I really do wish he had realized that Jessica didn’t deserve him, and that he was the one to say no at the wedding, but if that had happened we wouldn’t have gotten that sweet scene of Mark crying with his mom. *Insert heart eyes emoji*. Mark, I have a feeling you’ll be just fine without Jessica. Definitely check your DMs today.
“Please stop recording, Jimmy” is my new catchphrase. When my boss asks me about an assignment that I most definitely did not do? Please stop recording, Jimmy. When my aunt asks me why I’ve showed up at yet another wedding single and alone? Please stop recording, Jimmy. And when my puppy judges me for another Saturday where I don’t get out of bed until 1pm? Please stop recording, Jimmy. Thanks for the help, Kenny, I too felt “Sure, Jan” was getting a little tired. You deserved better!
Let’s be real, Cameron only ranks in the middle of the pack because he was smart enough to lock down Lauren. Well, that, and he has a house. The men I go out with usually Venmo request me after our date for the cost of my two glasses of wine they were kind enough to grab from the bartender at the dive bar they took me to. They might as well also Venmo request my dignity, because that sh*t is gone now too. Anyway, as my friend said to me at the beginning of this show, Cameron is the definition of milquetoast. Which I could not agree with more, and is also why I can’t really seem to muster up feelings for this man either way. So I guess congrats, Cameron? You’re one of very few men I don’t want to run over with a car bought in cash that can’t be traced back to me. Call it a win!
Kelly, I really wanted to like you. Early on in the show when you, a woman with a normal, fit body, said that you felt like you weren’t comfortable with how you looked, I could relate HARD. I wanted us to be friends. But then you picked Kenny, a pretty good dude, and then took it back. You should have just listened to your sister and married him! Take the risk! Half of marriages these days end in divorce. Why not? Being unsure certainly never stopped Kim Kardashian from getting married! This is the only time in my whole life where I’ve had to tell someone to be more like Kim Kardashian, and now I dislike you even more for that, Kelly. FOR SHAME.
When this show first started, I could not fathom a world where Barnett was not last on my list of contestants. But then he grew on me. Frat dude jokes? Bad. Playing multiple women in the pods? Very bad. A real job? Good. Responsible with money? Very good. Not leading Jessica on even though she was clearly pursuing him after the pods? Very veryyyy good. BUT. He also said yes to a marriage that seems more toxic than the water in Newark, NJ, so here we are. Barnett, please take your “most improved” ribbon, and hang it on your wall in the sad one-bedroom apartment you lease after your marriage breaks up.
Damian, you were one-half of my most hated relationship on this show, and the only thing you did right was not marrying Giannina. Things you did wrong include: calling yourself a gift, fighting with Gigi at a party with your friends, and constantly mentioning what Gigi was doing wrong in every single argument. Oh yeah, and apparently you f*cked her wrong too. But I’m just repeating what I heard, don’t blame the messenger!
Amber doesn’t live to work, she works to live. And that’s the moment I knew I hated her. No one wants to work, Amber! But we do want to pay off our student debt! It appears Amber only wants to work to pay off her boob job. She is also the kind of person that will most definitely cut off Barnett’s genitals and throw them in a field if he does something stupid, like telling his niece that she’s the prettiest princess he ever saw. That bitch better not steal her man!
Gigi is lucky that there was someone else on this show so heinous that she narrowly missed last place. Gigi was just really not self-aware. She treated Damian terribly, and then said things like, “I always treated you with kindness.” She complained about him being on his phone, and then literally could not stop herself from checking her own phone. Also, it’s pretty rude to tell someone on camera that they are not the best sex of your life. People can hear you, Gigi! That’s what the big microphones above your head are for! And tbh, the rhyming wedding card she sent Damian is what really set me over the edge. Her only redeeming moment was when she metaphorically gave Damian his bow back. Even someone as self-centered as Gigi can recognize when someone else does something so horrifically embarrassing.
I could literally write an entire thesis on Jessica, and I’m only not doing that because I’m in Florida and I’d rather go to the beach than relearn MLA citations for this article. First of all, Jessica cannot hold her liquor. I think we can all agree on that, considering at one point she was so drunk she told Mark that she thought Barnett was sexy, and then at the bachelorette party she attempted to order a drink and an appetizer from the performer on stage (fine, same). She claimed she wasn’t pursuing Barnett, but she invited him for wine by the fire alone.
And then, THE FINALE. First of all, Jessica, quoting It Takes Two will not get you into my good graces this late in the game. You’ve gone too far to the dark side to even win me over with the Olsen Twins. She also says, “You will always have a special place in my heart” about her FIANCÉ! That’s literally what you say to your sh*tty first boss after you reveal you will be taking a new, higher-paying job. Not to the dude who still loved you after you bit his head off for admiring his mother.
As she says ever so saltily after blowing up her own wedding, she will apologize to whoever she needs to apologize to. Great. I am waiting for my apology, Jessica. And I would like MLA citations.
And that is the official ranking of the Love is Blind contestants! There better be a season two of this show, because it’s truly the only thing that makes me feel better about being single. Let me know your own rankings in the comments!
Images: Netflix; need4lspeed, markanthonycuevas_, kennybarnes11, cameronreidhamilton, chaselifewithkelly, barnettisblind, damian_powers, atypicalamber, gianninagibelli, jessicabatten24/Instagram