The Cold Is Making You Psycho: Weekend Horoscopes February 1-3

The cold is making everybody crazy this weekend, even people who live outside the polar vortex’s icy pull. This weekend, everyone could benefit from checking and double checking their decisions. “Am I doing this because it’s a good idea, or am I doing this because I’m cold and pissed off?” These are questions you should be asking yourself.


The polar vortex has everyone dreaming of warmer weather, so why not actually try to find some? You’re in the mood for a weekend getaway (or an elaborate staycation) so why not check out your favorite cheap ticket website and see if you can’t GTFO for a few days? If that’s not in the cards financially, crank up your space heater to 11, put on some island jams, and drink mojitos until you almost forget it’s winter.


Don’t sleep on your impulses this weekend, Taurus, because they’re likely to point you in the right direction. The planets are aligned for big things to kick off in your life, but it can’t happen if you just stay in and watch Catwalk on Netflix (again). Do an inventory of this weekend’s events and go to the one that speaks to you. You might make a connection that will be veeeery useful in your future.


The cold might make you want to get wifed up, but this is not the weekend for that, Gemini. You’re in no mood to commit, and luckily you’ve spent enough time on the apps to know there are plenty of people out there looking for the same thing. Hit up the cutest no-strings-attached option in your contacts and see if you can’t set up a relationship that will leave when the polar vortex does.


Your professional life and your personal life are clashing hard right now. Should you go to that big party on Saturday night, or should you hang back and gear up for your big presentation Monday? These are the questions you must answer. Remember, even Elle Woods gave up her senior spring to get into Harvard.


Slow. The. F. Down. You can’t be at every event. You can’t be there for everyone. You have to eat and sleep to survive. This weekend, the people in your life will be pulling you in a million different directions, and you’re allowed to take time for yourself. Remember, you’re not a bad friend for ignoring Megan’s 1,345th text dissecting her ex’s last Insta story.


Virgo, I regret to inform you that you’re still in danger of catching feelings. What’s worse, it’s making you kind of psycho. Just take a deep breath. Watch some Jim and Pam episodes of The Office and live vicariously through that. Otherwise you’re in danger of sending 300+ texts to your most recent hookup outlining why they blew it with you.


You’ve been holding your sh*t together pretty well, Libra, but the polar vortex has your emotions swirling. That’s fine! Sometimes we all need to spend a weekend crying about [insert thing you’ve been really wanting to cry about]. Just try to lay off the tequila for a few days. The line between tears and blind rage is usually 1-2 tequila shots.


“Watch tf out!” –me to everyone you talk to this weekend. You’re just like, in a mood right now, and God help anyone who f*cks with you. This might be a good weekend to keep the social circle to the few friends you know don’t annoy the sh*t out of you, and for the love of God, don’t answer any texts from that coworker until Monday. You know the one.


Slow your roll, Sagittarius! You’re in danger of seriously overextending yourself this weekend. Sure there’s a lot of fun sh*t to do, but will any of it be fun if you’re exhausted and/or constantly thinking about the next thing you have to do? Weekends are for resting. Cut a few of your commitments now, and as an added bonus, you’ll get to enjoy the amazing feeling of canceling plans.


Hello Capricorn, or should I say Marie Kondo? You’re in the mood to make some serious improvements to your living space this weekend, so why not follow that urge and get to folding? And yes, this does mean saying goodbye to all the clothes you haven’t worn since freshman year. As an added bonus, you’ll have an excellent excuse not to step foot in the cold.


You’re in a glass case of emotion, Aquarius, and it puts you in danger of spilling too much tea. Be really thoughtful about the sh*t you talk and to whom. It’d be pretty embarrassing to send off a three-paragraph text to Rachel about why Erica sucks, only to remember one second later the Erica is Rachel’s cousin. Remember the golden rule: if you don’t have anything nice to say, text it to your mom.


It’s time to clean house, Pisces, and I’m not talking about your actual house. I’m talking about your emotional house. Not to be a bitch, but some of your friends are more trouble than they’re worth. Just think about it for one second and someone will pop into your head. This weekend is time to cut the cord.

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Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.