Last night's episode of RHOBH might as well have been called Make Lawsuits Not Love. Why the fuck is everyone on this show always suing each other? We suspect the reason Bravo couldn't actually air the “insanely inappropriate slander” Brandi said against the Maloofs is because there was already a lawsuit and the Oofs obvi won. So now we're left to wonder, what did Brandi say about Paul and Adrienne that made Paul so angry he would've pulled out his own wife's weave or like, his bushy back hair?
Some people are saying the big secret is that Adrienne used a surrogate instead of her own uterus, but that's not scandy, and like who cares? Camille did it, big shit. There was also that one time Adrienne accused Paul of breaking their son's fingers but that turned out to be a farce. So in the ever-so-eloquently-delivered Adrienne V. Brandi debate of “you lie” “no you lie” “no, you lie”… “you lie” maybe that's what Adri was lying about. But then the lying bit could also be that Adrienne did have a surrogate, and is lying about the fact that she is in fact a female.
Kyle: “I was born and raised in Beverly Hills, this is my town, so my 16-year-old daughter can drive her Mercedes into as many Beverly Hills poles as she fucking wants.” +5
+1: For parking Alexia's new car in the middle of the street. My town, my street. Puck you miss.
+2: Points for Alexia, because she gets this new car and absolutely MUST pose next to the vehicle before she actually hugs her parents or you know, says thanks.
+1: Alexia: Why are you getting me this?…. Kyle: Because you're 16!!!
-1: Wait so, did Mauricio egg his own house? Or maybe Kim did it with all the leftover eggs from her large homemade deli salads….Take the next minute to picture Kim frantically running around the Umansky's home while throwing eggs at it, Phoebe Buffay style. I know right.
+2: During Brandi and Adrienne's fight, at Mauricio's event: “This is so embarrassing for ME.” Yeah Kyle, we also can't believe Bravo Andy chose to tell Kim to pick your husband's event to start drama.
Brandi: “Money doesn't give you class, it just gives you money, with which you can buy a house that doesn't look like mine, aka the set of Erin Brokovich.” +4
-1: “I mean, Taylor wrote her book like 5 minutes after her husband died. I did the classy thing and just talked shit about my husband on twitter for 2 years and THEN wrote a book.”
+3: Publisher: You can't put 'fuck' in the title …. Brandi: Well then just fucking forget it before I tell you to shut the fuck up and go fuck yourself.
+2: “I'm not a loose cannon, I'm a truth cannon” …Am I watching RHOBH or Get Rich or Die Tryin'?
Lisa: “Life isn't all diamonds and rosé, it's also about using one show to advertise my second show therefore it's also about having two shows, dahhling.” +1
-1: What's with the names of all of your servers? Jax, Stassi, Scheanna? Like are you running an illegal Polish pierogi operation on the side?
+3: Ken needs to get his hip replaced. The things guys will do to have sex with Lisa Vanderpump twice a year.
+1: “Love the tomahhhhhto salad”
-2: For letting Ken wear that baby blue button down with the pink lapels. He looked exactly like Santa, if Santa were gay and worked at a Baby Gap.
Camille: “I have a boyfriend. He is hot. That's what I talk about, a fucking lot.” +1
+1: “The difference between Kelsey and Dimitri, 8 INCHES!”
Kim: “Life is a journey and I keep discovering that I immediately regret doing meth in that bathroom, my teeth are atrocious.” +3
+3: (positive points for no longer being a fuckup) Poor Kim is too sober for this shit. This conversation over Sur appetizers makes her the most uncomfortable because she's now the only one coherent to realize what's going on.
Taylor: “I worked too hard for this zip code when I finally found my voice last season, but apparently I lost it again. Shit.” +2
-1: You look like Caroline Channing.
+3: I seriously lol'ed when Paul was in Brandi's face and you took the opportunity to speak about your anxiety when a man is aggressive. #booksales #everybodysdoingit…. pre-order the book we wrote.
Adrienne: “Know your friends, show your enemies that your husband is not afraid to beat the shit out of women.” -12
-2: Oooh Paul take it off. No wait put it back on. Seriously if I wanted to spend the night looking at disgusting old man back hair I'd watch a Robin Williams movie.
-10: Actually, anything worth talking about pertaining to Adrienne was said in the beginning. In other words, you lose.
Yolanda: Probs absent because she's busy extraditing lamb skin injections into Swedish fetuses in the rainforests of Monaco.