So last night's episode of RHOBH was kind of a snoozefest and we were disappointed to learn that this was only one part of a two-part boring ass Vegas pole dancer-themed episode. The Vegas dinner was way too therapeutic and fake and not dramatic enough. Brandi didn't even tell anyone to shut the fuck up one time. What's a betch got to do to witness a catty screaming match around here?
Adding to our boredom was the fact that everyone did the same things they've been doing all season. Kyle cried, Brandi talked shit about Leann Rimes, and Yolanda talked about how great she is at hosting parties and the importance of fucking your husband for money. It's time to mix things up and since the only thing up Bravo's sleeve this episode was the Suzanne Somers of Three's Company cameo the thought of Adrienne's nasty impending divorce was the only thing keeping us coming back for more.
“I'm born and raised in Beverly Hills so I know how to throw a killer 6th grade graduation party.
-2: “I'm really interested in Suzanne's books which say that if you eat the right things and have the right vitamins you can live forever.” Chill Kyle this isn't fucking Tuck Everlasting.
-6: “Today is Sophia's 6th grade graduation and I am soo proud of her.” Really Kyle? Does anyone not graduate sixth grade? Do you really need to invite your friends to your daughter's 6th grade graduation celebration?
-4: “This isn't about Brandi. It's about Sophia and her miraculous journey into the seventh grade.” -2 for that, and an additional –2 for crying for essentially no reason.
Mauricio's mom Estelle's speech is so touching: “Some people don't have grandparents. But you do. Happy 6th grade graduation fucker.”
+1: Sophia's like, where's MY FUCKING MERCEDES?
“Life is a journey and the destination is Milton's penis.”
-1: Kim's “houseman” is probably just code for like a live in AA sponsor.
-2: “I know he knows about noses!” Still being bat shit crazy.
-5: Kim actually talks about getting plastic surgery like she's picking out fucking froyo flavors at Tasti Delite. I was gonna go for the tart but then I thought maybe the dark chocolate and then I was like fuck it, I'm just gonna surgically alter my face and nasal cartilage.
Plastic Surgeon: How would you change your face?
Kim: I actually wouldn't. I love my nose. But if I had to. Right here.
+2 for Kim's real thought process. “I want a new nose for my sober life, one that hasn't been corroded by coke yet.” Admit it you're getting the surgery for the painkillers.
+3: For skipping out on Sophia's 6th grade graduation because she knew it would be boring as fuck.
“I like to have fun but I don't.”
+1: Yolanda is like MaryAnn from True Blood always cooking something up and looking sneaky.
-2: Yolanda was that an anti-botox comment? You definitely have had botox. Your lips look like they have two small testicles hanging off of them.
+1: On her European bellinis: Would you like a real European Belini? I made it myself from the unborn fetuses of frozen European children.
-1: “I made the peaches myself this morning” This seems unlikely.
-2: Yolanda's fondness for Suzanne Summers is similar to Hansel's male model of the year video. “Suzanne Somers. Suzanne would be another person who's a hero. The shows she's created over the years, I don't really watch them, but the fact that she's making them, I respect that.”
-2: “Let's get this straight. Men love beautiful women. Beautiful women love rich men. Still fuck your husband for a Chanel bag. There's temptation everywhere.” This actually came out of this woman's mouth.
-3: “Men are really simple beings. The sex is really important and feeding them. Cook them dinner every once in a while. Make them a sandwich. If they want to beat the shit out of you with something that's smaller than a ruler, that's okay too.”
+2: “Most of my friends have been divorced. Like Heidi and Seal, it's tragic.”
“Life isn't all diamonds and rose and it's definitely not about swallowing.”
+3: “I'm not good at swallowing things just ask my husband.”
+2 for Ken: “I don't understand empowering women. What does that mean?”
-5: Ew Lisa actually said pussy was a nice word.
+5: “But isn't Adrienne upset that you aren't supporting her business by stripping at the Palms?”
Absent, probs comforting Kennedy who is still mourning the loss of her private jet.
“Money doesn't give you class it just gives you the ability to not have to pole dance for money.”
-2: Brandi, while on the pole: “I am fun, but I can also be sophisticated at the same time”
-2: Keep telling everyone you're sophisticated and then backing it up with things like this:
Kyle: I like the softer side.
Brandi: Let's make out.
-2: “My ex husband bought me a pole for our bedroom. He tried to save the marriage with a stripper pole.” This is who you picked to be the father of your children.
-1: Where are your kids while you're working the pole in Vegas? – 1
“Know your friends, I'm still a man.”
+1: Has a serious problem with letting paul put food on her plate.
Marisa or rather, Marisa's mom +3
+1: Marisa's mom is actually way more entertaining than Marisa, can we get a switch up?
+3: Her mom's insults: “That's a boondocks type of dress. Oh honey I swear to you it's ugly.”
-1: People compliment Marisa's mom's hair? You mean blind people?
+1: RHOBH is great for self induced vomiting that comes with the imagery of Kelsey Grammer having sex with anything.