The Betchiest Housewife of Beverly Hills

Season 2, Episode 9: Engagement Party Gone Moroccan except for the mermaid that had nothing to do with Arabian Nights

Welcome to the betchiest recap of the Real Housewives of who gives a fuck, where people are debatably wax statues and camels grace engagement parties. After every episode, we’re left wondering a ton of random shit like how this hick of a cake lady got on this show? How did the camera crew get cleared at the hospital? Why does Kyle cry in every episode? How have we never praised Pandora for her gorgeous boyfriend? Maybe because we’re jaded by the fact that she's named after a fucking box.

Anyway, we were dying when that mermaid was having epileptic convulsions by the pool and when she got bored, decided to casually slide down the banister. All is good and life is back to normal because Lisa obviously wins this ep and Taylor’s lips extended the width of my wide screen TV.


“Life in Beverly Hills is a game and if you fuck with Mohamed, you can't sit with us.” 6 points



estellaHappy Halloween! Love always, Mauricio's mom.


-1: No one picks up their phones because you’re calling their house phones. It’s called iMessage you crazy Brit.

+2: “You still wanna come? Alright” – It’s fine, Taylor won't eat any of the food anyway.

+2: Lisa, Adrienne’s chicken just needed a little moisturizer and some aloe vera, fucking duh.

+1: LOL. Luring the alcoholic to the party with…alcohol.

+2: Why do you always choose to corner Taylor about her issues at major events?



“I may not be the richest girl in Beverly Hills, but if I were a stripper I probably could be.” 4 points


+2: The part when she makes jokes about women who get plastic surgery and turn into catwoman and robots who can't turn their heads…. no one would have opposed if you had dropped Adri's name.

-2: Why are you crying? It’s just your mother-in-law’s plastic surgery. It’s kind of like crying at your brother’s bris or something, completely fucking irrational.

+5: Your split is an 8.5. We've said this before, we moonlight as Olympic judges for the balance beam event.

-1: Sooo like is Mauricio into underwater themed sex? That’s our only explanation for your fishy-face. I’ll be Nemo and you be Dori this time.



“Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, antidepressants are” 1 point


+1: When Kyle was doing splits on the table how badly did you want to scream, “But I’M THE DANCING HOUSEWIFE!” Too bad you're awkz as fuck.



“Sorry, I'll leave now” -1 point


-1: The last thing Pam needs is a cake.


shining“Heeereee's Russellllll”




“Having it all is easy, having sex with my oompa loompa husband is another thing” -2 points


-2: Your voice sounds like you smoke a pack a minute. Have you been getting ideas from Ri Ri's We Found Love music video?



“People try to figure me out, probably because I haven't learned the value of the space bar” -3 points


-3: Surprise! I’m dating Shrek.



“I finally found my voice, I paid a speech pathologist to make me sound like I'm not a hick” -6 points


-1: Good strategy Bravo. Way to bring Tay to a cake tasting, is that what the anorexia clinic recommended to do to ensure she doesn’t pass out while filming?

+1: ”Yes, everything is good” – Your words may say things are okay at home but your nod says “Russell beats me with his penis and our prenup every night”

-3: There’s nothing classier than chilled Sauv and steamed mussels garnished with an US weekly article. Taylor will take any chance to showcase a tabloid whose focus isn’t that she’s fucking poor.

-2: You know when someone tries too hard and it makes you cringe? That’s how we felt about your yoga pose.

-1: Tay, your husband prob owes Moham like 5 mill. We’re sure if Russell’s only offense was that he called Taylor 'mommy' during whipping sessions sex, he’d be invited to the party.

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