Season 2, episode 19: I'll take some Xanax with a side of Lorazepam, please
Holy scandal, the drama of last night's episode of RHOBH was insane, literally I wasn't sure whether I should have been laughing or covering my eyes 90 percent of the time. There were probably enough tears last night to fill a moderately sized children's pool. However I can definitely say, with extreme confidence, that the general absurdity of tonight's ep wasn't even close to being on par with whatever the fuck Lisa wore to SUR's opening party. That looked like a frock you'd order out of a My Size Barbie catalog.
On a semi serious note, we're going to go out on a limb and say that half of these people should not be on a reality TV show. They're going through like, actual issues that are evidently being heavily exploited via Bravo. Taylor having a black eye? Kim being one Vicodin away from performing SUR's first ladies' room abortion? Being well versed in the fine lines of appropriate, it's clear that this shit is doing more than just straddling it.
Hands down Kim stole the show tonight. Between rummaging the trash for empty coke baggies and pulling out vibrators disguised as lip gloss, she truly showed us that life in Beverly Hills is quite rough, and the only way to get through it all is with a prescription for Prozac.
Kim: “People try to figure me out, but even I usually can't remember my own last name.” 14 points
+1: You are constantly packing and unpacking because you are a hot mess and always searching for your drugs. +1: But like, you finally moved in and now you've announced you're moving out of Ken's? I would seriously consider hiring a bodyguard or like, Lord Farquaad before you let Shrek in on this news. +1: Ken sounds like a total psycho, “He wants to know what I'm wearing… where I'm going ….what I'm eating….how long I'm planning to pee for…” +1: Your entire night is one big party foul. Kimmy, do you know where you are, like physically? +2: I love buttons…! +2: I don't want a kid.. I want to travel! +2: Kim: I think I'm gonna take my bra off! Ken: NO. Kim: Yes…Oooh I'm really loving these buttons. +1: “I'm a virgo. I have to just stop” Oh you crazy virgos, always making treasure out of trash! literally. -1: I mean what's with these old fucking housewives who think they're pregnant? You're either going through menopause or obviously malnourished. +1: Casually giving herself an abortion in the bathroom while Ken knocks on the door. +1: Your makeup artist is very witty. On the topic of the 'lip gloss': “That's for the lips…but not the right kind” +2: You told Kyle you spend all your days crying like you did in the clothes store? What about that magical brunch in Hawaii you had with Ken overlooking the lobby!?
Lisa: “Life in Beverly Hills is a game and there were too many unwanted playing pieces at my party.” 9 points
-1: Your embrace with Ken was totally kward. What, you only show PDA with Giggy? +1: SUR stands for Sexy Unique Restaurant. So much for the elegance of subtlety. +3: For not recognizing 'the help' out of uniform. lol. +3: For kicking out 2 people out of your party. That waitress was totes thrilled she didn't have to work that night. Having sex with married Beverly Hills pros really has its benefits. +2: You really fucked up with monitoring your invitations. First Brandi's ex husband's mistress, then Paul's ex girlfriend, then Bernie….we smell Bravo's producers. +1: Tonight Ken looks especially like a 70's porn star, just missing the 'stache.
Brandi: “If I were any taller I definitely would not fit on screen.” 3 points
+2: Way to bring along your extremely unattractive friend to make you appear that much more attractive. +1: For telling Ken he looks like a homosexual hound.
Adrienne: “Having it all is easy if you don't give a shit about anyone but yourself.” 3 points
+3: “Taylor, I care about you, I really do. If I didn't I would wait until they stop filming to make dirty looks after hearing your sob story, but for you, I saved them for the cameras.”
Camille: “Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, shutting the fuck up and smiling is.” 2 points
+2: She's been so chill lately, it's great. When the producers ask her what she's doing that she's not involved in the drama anymore, she's probably like: nm, jc. u?
Taylor: “I've finally found my voice, and turns out it was underneath my black eye.” -2 points
+1: Life for Kennedy is really unstable right now so I figure in order to give her a sense of stability and purpose I will give her something any child would want, a list of chores. -2: Whats going on here? You're seriously taking your therapist as your date? Isn't this some sort of breach of the doctor/patient relationship? Is he billing you for this? -1: “I just want to know that you're all there for me.” It's like the sisterhood of the traveling botoxed alcoholics.
Kyle: “I may not be the richest girl of Beverly Hills but this Turbo Tax commercial is gonna make me fucking millions.” -9 points
-1: I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from the last fight that I wasn't really involved in. -2: Can you just like stoppppp fucking crying already, your emotions are about as unstable as Kim's sobriety. -1: Seriously, if you cried and spoke less you would be able to hear what Kim has to
say slur -5: A Turbo Tax commercial Kyle, REALLY? What's next? Herpecin?