Season 2, episode 18: It's My Party And I'll Call You Out If I Want To
This week on Beverly Hills, Ken is still fucking ugly. We don't feel bad about saying this because (well when do we ever really care about anything?) Anderson Cooper ripped him apart during Watch What Happens Live, and that man is one sexy mother fucker. No but really, the unimaginable occurred this week. Ken, the Hunchback of Beverly Hills, wore a shirt that dropped him off the attractiveness-scale. Like he's now in the negatives. I mean, that's what happens when you wear a shirt that looks like a Hawaiian bowel movement. We wouldn't be surprised if the ratings go down after this episode after showing that close up of his face. Now this is just awkward.
Vomming on, Kim was the star of this episode, saying the most ridiculous shit as usual. “Everything happens for a reason.” Yeah, no shit. You missed the plane and the boat and 'the reason' was that you were late. Fucking duh. So in honor of tonight's especially disgusting display of reality TV, we'll be calculating Kim's points in relation to the number of inches my food went back up my esophagus while watching this episode.
Lisa: “Life in Beverly Hills is a game, and I refuse to play with all these bloody imbeciles” 4 points
-1: Kens face as he does his hair looks like chimpanzee, in an electric chair, coked out. +5: You look so fucking hot in your green dress, even better than Brandi. Kudos, probably stepping it up now that bra-less Brandi is fucked up and ready to get fucked.
Brandi:“Turns out I'm not actually an idiot because I finally realized that the way to everyone's heart is through Lisa's” 3 points
+1: We decided we like you. It's prob because you got the Vanderpump approval, but whatever. +1: Your legs are so long you can't fit inside of a bus seat. +1: Must be thrilled that your arch nemesis Kim is garnering all the shit talking this episode rather than your nipples.
Kyle: “I may not be the richest girl in Beverly Hills, but if US currency were tears, I'd be fucking loaded” 1 point
+1: You actually look gorg in your towel. No homo. +2: Oooooh shit Mauricio, stirring up drama. “It's my birthday I can cry if I want to” -3: Stop fucking crying all the time. There are repercussions for arriving late to Hawaii, Kim! You will never swim with the Hawaiian fish with me again! NEVER!!!!!! +1: Your cycle: 1. Leave people behind or kick them out of your parties. 2. Cry about it 3. Do it again.
Adrienne: “Having it all isn't easy… no wait, actually it's pretty easy” 1 point
+1: “Cheers to you…and me” -2: OMG that makeout session, we haven't seen that much tongue/drool since Not Another Teen Movie, or like the 6th grade. +2: “Your face was kind of like, wow,” says Ken to Adrienne after accusing her of talking shit about him. She has a lot of botox, tard. All her facial expressions look the same.
Dana: “My nose is the color of a combination of everyone's ass hole.” -4 points
-4: We know you probably haven't gotten any in a while, but telling Taylor that you love her and that you're 'psyched to know her' wont get her to fuck you, despite what guys have done to you in the past.
Kim: “People try to figure me out but I don't know why I'm so hard to understand. I speak clearly, my eyes are always open, and my boyfriend is totally gorg.” -11 points
+1: You finally showed up, it only took 2 days -2: Why does Kim constantly speak like she's having a weird coke drip? +2: Taylor left Russell…”That's because she wants to come to the next dinner” – HAHA so true Kim, SO TRUE -3: “If you had coffee you can rub me all night.” Gross. -2: “I'm a Virgo, I'm very prompt. I'm also a huge liar, and apparently a marlin fisher.” -4: “We had the most amazing lunch over looking the lobby…” -3: Ken is retired? From what? Swamp dwelling?