Season 2, episode 12:
Hoes go Brandi hobbles to a Hoedown
Previously on the Real Housewives they planned an event, this time on the Real Housewives they planned another fucking event. What bothered us last night, other than the fact that Kennedy had her choice between 5 different can-can ensembles to wear, was that they kept referring to last week's event as “the tea”… like, just because the sandwiches were the size of my pinky nail doesn't mean it's not still called LUNCH.
So since Kim never shows up to events because she's busy
doing crystal meth with Ken packing, we decided to evaluate her performance at this one. Let's start with Kim and Brandi's staredown to the tune of cowboy music. What am I watching, True Grit? Is Jeff Bridges going to make his entrance on Kennedy's stupid fucking pony?
Kim also won Rant of the Night with: “I've always been a cowgirl, as a matter of a fact when I went to buy my first horse, I thought I was Cowboy Jane, because I've been riding Disney horses my whole life”
Honestly Kim, when was the last time you rode a Disney horse? 1975?
Life in Beverly Hills is a game and I immediately regret hiring that Asian wedding planner. Where's Jennifa Lopez!? 9 points +3: Oh, my bestie casually invented Planet Hollywood, so she's hosting my daughter's bach party. And then everyone was all like, Omg why isn't Adrienne hosting it!? She owns all of Vegas! Well our friend casually owns Chippendales. So stfu. +2: You know you're a betchy mom when your daughter invites you to her bachelorette party. +3: For this interaction. “You think I've got nothing better to do than roam around and gyrate with naked men?” and Pandy says “No.” We're jeal. +1: Pandora, listen to your mother. Do you know what people do with invitations? They throw them out. And yours doesn't even fit in a fucking garbage can. (We dgaf if Ellen Barkin used our joke during WWHL, we said it first.)
I may not be the richest girl in Beverly Hills but money can't buy how good Mauricio is in bed 6 points +1: Have questions about the abused wife female psyche? Fuck calling a hotline, just dial Faye Resnick. +3: You can never love your kids like you love your husband, unless your husband is Mauricio. -1: Kyle, you're always complaining “I just don't know what's going on with Taylor and Russell if I don't see it for myself.” Well, if Dana hadn't walked away from Russell when she did, you were about to. Dana if you don't relax right now I'm going to beat you to the fucking ground. This makes total sense Russell. +3: WE LITERALLY want to eat Portia up. Like you know, if we ate.
Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, and neither is Taylor3 points +3: General points for overall improvement since last season. And for storming out of “tea” like your ass was on fire.
You can call me “Gimp” 1 point 0: We said we would stop subtracting points when you got rid of the crutches. We won't give you points, but congrats, we just wanted to point it out to make us seem like the fair and impartial judges we are. That boot looked mad comfortable. +1: “I can't speak for Kim, Kim can't even speak for herself.” Lol.
Having it all is easy, and so am I -1 point -1: Boo fucking hoo Adrienne, you own all of Vegas, the only person whose support you need is Paul's.
People try to figure me out but I'm an Arabian Horse. Raeeeeerrrr. -2 points -1: HA, Arabian Horse – In your version of Aladdin, was Abu a cat? -1: It's a bird, it's a ship! No, it's the Golden Gate Bridge.
My widows peak is distracting -5 points -3: Omg amazing gift Pam, I've always wanted
Ace Ventura the loser from American Idol to get wasted and sing happy birthday to me. No seriously though, thanks Pam, and thanks for handling the chlidrens' tables. +2: For the smartest thing Dana has said. Buying Kennedy a horse was the worst idea. Can't handle a dog how are you going to handle a horse. -3: “Omg, I'm just learning about all this cowboy stuff, I don't even know what it is.” – We take back the above, you're a fucking idiot. We know this show isn't scripted because only the housewives themselves could come up with such eloquence. -1: Did anyone make note of Pam's new heart of the ocean neck chin decor during her interviews?
“I've finally found my voice, but it's so annoying that I should seriously consider losing it again” -7 points -1: You say you “don't need this stress.” Stop inviting 250 people to a party for a 5-year old. +1: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHERE ARE THE CHILDRENS' TABLES!?!? -1: Yeah, Kennedy's going on a nice nature walk and after her jaunt on the stationary colonial train she'll take a ride down the tropical Caribbean slide. Betches love this ambiguous ranch party. -2: What's with you having serenades for Kennedy every year that she pays zero attention to, actually rather, hysterically cries during. Also whose name is Kennedy? Come on. You're from OKLAHOMA and you name your child after dead Democrats? -1: Omg the 85 year-old-male magician was sporting Essie Lilacism. And his name was the Fantastic Fig. We can't even finish typing this without cracking up. But no seriously, dude, this is the wrong season for pastels. -3: Okay Taylor, the fucking horse whisperer.