Last night's episode of the Real-but-clearly-becoming-more-scripted Housewives was definitely an improvement from the past few weeks of lameness, as we got to see the cast fight not just at Mauricio's rooftop soiree but also in Kyle's new dining room. And since Faye Resnick was invited (always good for drama when Alison DuBois is busy), plus the simple fact that it was a #51 group dinner, there was obviously an amazing fight. And according to this new hollywood woman with commendable botox, this fight was entirely Faye's fault. Sooo Faye casually became the villain on a show she's not even on. Obvi.
Anyway, whatever “secret” Kim revealed continues to comprise the main drama, except they still haven't said what it is. Half the footage of them fighting is wasted on me zoning out, trying to guess what they're even yelling about – surrogacy, domestic abuse, hemaphrodism? Seriously Bravo, this is a reality show, not a mystery novel, it's really hard to decide who to talk shit about without knowing what the fuck is going on.
“Life isn't all diamonds and rose it's also deciding what to name your new house”
-1: Are you seriously wearing the anti-cellulite flip flops. And more seriously, you let Bravo film you in them?
+3: For Ken's calling you for tea and biscuits, we knew that had to be a joke… except it's exactly like the kind of shit I pull with my mom, even when I'm not recovering from my hip replacement, but instead of tea and biscuits I call for iced coffee and money.
-1: For Ken's scar. I was totes unprepared to see an incision from Saw IV last night.
+3: Love the exploitative power of Lisa suddenly making her staff part of her “story arcs”…as promo for her new spinoff…and like she invites them all the way into her bedroom?
-1: …Or perhaps it's just part of her shady obsession with poor people (see: Cedric, Brandi, that time she smiled at Taylor)
“Money doesn't give you class, it just gives me my friend Lisa who teaches me to pretend to have class”
+3: “Get 10 people in a room who love Adrienne, that aren't related to her.” Hahah sounds like my next drinking game.
“I was born and raised in Beverly Hills, this is my town, also my husband is perfect so suck on that ayayay.”
-5: Keep your bitch on a leash. Faye's existence is so hiday.
+1: For Glenn. He really is the gemliest housewife.
+2: For Mauricio calling Brandi a gossip girl while the finale of Gossip Girl was airing. Does he have ESPN or something?
“I like to have fun, but I'm from Scandinavia so fun…it has a deeferent defineeshun”
+1: For #118 working out
-5: For trying so hard for the cameras during your workout that you and your gyrating could've been mistaken for Michael J Fox.
“I've lost myself”
-1: I'm SURE your son would want to spend his 21st birthday in Vegas with his SOBER mother. God Kim you are so stupid.
“The only difference between the last secret I revealed and this one is that mine was ACTUALLY REVEALED.”
+3: For telling Taylor that we're totes over discussing her abuse drama.
…Run and hide bitch, run and hide.