The Betchiest Housewife of Beverly Hills: Episode 18

Of course it takes Bravo until the second to last fucking episode to actually get some interesting drama. Apparently all you need is Faye Resnick and someone feeding insults in her ear. Honestly Bravo couldn't have made us like Brandi and Yolanda more if they tried so we can only assume they hired Faye for this purpose. Like just because you can enunciate your words doesn't mean you're not an idiot and clearly a fame chasing bully. You're a mean girl Faye you're a bitch!

Anyway, I'm almost embarrassed it took me so long to realize this but it's clear that Bravo kills at least five minutes of the show every week by simply filming the housewives getting into and out of limos. I love how they don't even pretend like there's any reason for these women to attend these parties anymore other than to provide a physical space to confront each other in person. The days of fake spontaneous one-on-one lunches are fucking over.

Serious question though: who the fuck reads Radar Online? Celebs with actual talent prefer not to read about themselves on the internet while these women aggressively search for their names and their frenemies online.

Lisa +1

“Life isn't all diamonds and rose but my housewarming party is”

+1: Ken is so whipped he actually wants to wear a pink shirt to the vows that they're renewing upon his suggestion

-2: “I don't like public proclamations of love. I prefer to let Bravo script my proclamations of love and then act like they're spontaneous.”

+2: “The new hip works like a charm” – Ken

Adrienne -4

“Know your friends show your enemies the divorce papers” 

-2: Red velvet vodka? Nothing like cream cheese frosting flavor in your shot. On second thought the fact that I now know what ZING is actually makes it a pretty good PR move I guess. +1 for ZING, and none for you Adrienne.

-1: Ew why is Paul lathering himself in diarrhea at the vodka party? Whatever, as long as they're covering his back hair with something.

2: This whole party is like the closest thing you can get to slavery in the real world.

+1: To Paul, “I see all these beautiful people around and then I see you.” Can you believe these two got a divorce?

Brandi +14

“Money doesn't give you class, I learned class from reading Nice is Just a Place in France” 

+2: “The last place on earth I would ever want to be is a Maloof party” I mean it's probably not as bad as like the Congo but I see your point

+1: “If you've been to one of her parties pushing a product you've been to all of them”

+1: For outing all the shady Beverly Hills gossip of Adrienne and Paul's open marriage/separate lives/bedrooms on camera, which would've never made it into conversation with anyone except her bestie amazon Jennifer.

+10: “Faye walks up to the conversation, puts her dick on the table…”

Yolanda +2

“I like to have fun, but I don't like to take shots. Can you solve this riddle?”

+1: “We charter too but it's not the same.” White Swedish model girl problems.

-1: David's ex wife makes jam. So middle class.

+1: Do we think Yolanda just wants to buy David a plane so she can keep tabs on where he goes? Discuss.

Kyle -2

“I was born and raised in Beverly Hills, the Hiltons are my claim to fame”

-1: Mauricio is totally tuning Kyle out in this limo.

Kyle: “It's like so sad everyone has to know every little detail it's like on TMZ
Mauricio: Yeah man.

-1: “I hope no one did any sexual activity at MY WHITE PARTY. God anyone's party but MY WHITE PARTY.”

Faye -2

-1: “I hate to see you go down this road Yolanda.” It's rare that someone who doesn’t drink has had that said to them.

-1: “No matter how many Chanels you borrow you will never ever be a lady” – as my mom would say when I call her a bitch, it takes one to know one. A good retort would've been, no matter how much spray tan you wear you will never not look like a man.

Camille -3

-1: “I can't believe Brandi said that Adrienne only owned 2% of The Palms. It was so below the belt. Is nothing sacred?” Chill out it's not like we're talking about who owns 2% of the original bible.

-1: Ugh DeeDee..again??!

-1: Calling people “tough cookies” doesn't help us forget that you're old as fuck. 

Marisa -3 

+1 for this exchange:
Brandi: Why did you talk shit about me I've been such a fan of yours?!
Marisa: And I agree with you completely…

-3: So like about your hair…did you just come back from a Double Dutch marathon? 

-1: Basically Brandi and Yolanda are just yelling at Marisa, YOU DON'T LIKE YOUR HUSBAND ENOUGH! YOU DON'T HAVE A HUSBAND.

Taylor -3

-3: Shows up with 3 dates and 4 new lips.


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