So on last night's RHOBH we learned that in a wild twist of events, everyone is just coincidentally going to Paris next week! We couldn't help but have our inner Kwiig Bridesmaids monologue burst from within us.
So Lisa you're just gonna go with Kyle and Yolanda to Paris!? What you guys gonna ride around on bikes with berets and fucking baguettes in the basket on the front of your bikes? Oh how romantic! What woman meets up with another woman on a trip to Paris? Am I right? Lesbian! We're all thinking it, aren't we?
But in all seriousness, we were happy that RHOBH actually got mildly interesting this week and all it took was Marisa's legendary father-in-law to drop dead and an intervention, courtesy of Kim, who decided she needed a new project to work on that wasn't smiling at turtles like she was a fucking high school freshman getting stoned for the first time.
I'm born and raised in Beverly Hills so that's how I got this job promoting Chanel's tackiest creations.
+2 Telling Lisa about Marisa's husband's death: “He died. He's dead. Yup. Dead. So tragic. But yeah no I won't be going to the funeral. I'm in Paris. “
-1 Because she's in paris feels the need to wear obnoxiously large chanel necklace.
Life is a journey and this is the first stop where I”m not the biggest fuck up.
+2 “I LOVE TURTLES!!!!!!”
+2 Kim is so pumped that someone is finally more drunk than her that she's milking shit shit for as long as she can. +2
+2 Intervention! Intervention! (Everyone loves a good old intervention. Even Taylor is excited that she's ready for her second intervention and this one doesn't involve stopping her husband from beating the shit out of her.)
-1 Kim calling out Taylor's drinking problem. The pot calling the kettle drunk.
+1 Congrats kim you have a drivers license like a real live human person.
-1 You and Kyle are like Kendal and Kylie, if Kylie were a blonde, 50 year old alcoholic.
+3 Kim's insight of the week: “I love a house where u can sit”
+1 These editors are huge assholes, but watching Kim acting really fucked up is sooo funny we can't even deal.
Life isn't all diamonds and rose, it's also about looking hotter than your estranged ex-friend who is now your daughter-in-law.
+2 Ken just chillaxing feeding the swans.
-1 Who the fuck knew Ken had a son?
OMG sue is like 100 years old this is gross and what's going on with her boob? +1 for Lisa looking way better.
-1 Good to know Lisa just admitted she's five years older than her husbands son.
-1 Lisa and Ken look like they're being transported in a black van from Taken.
-1 Lisa's step-daughter-in-law wants her gone so badly she chartered a helicopter.
-1 Welcome to the cast, Lisa's shady stepson who looks like Thomas Hayden Church in Sideways.
-2 The families have integrated well together? This is the first we've heard of these people's existence.
+5 I feel like I'm watching a rich version of Summer Heights High.
+3 “I wanted to love and embrace his son, not literally… I have friends for that.”
+1 “Giggy doesn't do traffic.”
+2 “Kim's coming? Well so is Christmas so hurry up!”
Money doesn't give you class, having threesomes to keep your husband satisfied does.
On threesomes: “There's rules about penetration. There is no penetration. ” -2 for having threesomes in an effort to keep your husband. Gross.
+2 “I'm too old for Mohamed and he's too old for me.”
-4 Your tranny friend needs to spend less money on lip injections and more on a full face fix. – 2
I've worked too long for this zip code to let Yolanda think she can come in and steal my thunder without her husband dropping dead!
+1 But really, how does Taylor actually afford this place?
-2 “Not knowing where Kennedy was was a miscommunication between my nanny, my mom, me, and guy I was fucking.”
-2 Appears to be too drunk to know whats going on at this intervention. But seriously, how often does an intervention go this smoothly? It was almost as if a major cable network orchestrated it…
+4 I am obsessed with Taylor's drunk montage. They should put it in picture form and sell it at Home Goods.
-3 Why has RHOBH turned into one big fucking AA meeting?
I like to have fun and by fun I mean throwing housewarming parties for guys I used to fuck.
-1 WE decided to invite everyone to Paris and make it a fun girl's week totally not coordinated by Bravo.
+2 “Mohamed is great but he's a lying cheating bastard, if you're into that sort of thing.”
-2 Wow that was the least smooth segue I've ever heard. “David's been building this house for like 2 years. Speaking of my house, I hear from all the girls in the group that you have an issues with me.”
“Mohamed is Mohamed” – an actual quote. +2 for not making any fucking sense
-1 It's weird that you are having a house warming at your ex-husbands house…
+4 Are swans the new little dogs?
This is my husband who I'm going to pretend to like for the evening.
-3 I wonder how Marisa's husband feels that he's officially the most pussy whipped man on Bravo, which is a serious feat.
-2 “I'm like a guy that's the problem with me.”