Oh great, it’s my favorite television segment – a Comedy Central Roast. I wonder who it will be this time? Someone who has been famous for decades? Someone with an honorable career? Someone kind and important in my everyday life?
No. It’s fucking Justin Bieber. Well, I guess this is a good time to open up some wine.
Kevin Hart is the roast master and thank God he is carrying a mic because we all know it would have taken him forever to adjust the mic stand.
He introduces all the roasters, including Shaq who looks like he is on horse tranquilizers.
He very originally calls Martha Stewart old and she’s like, I’ve had dicks in prison that are bigger than you, you midget fuck.
They play 'Baby' and I kill a shot to get rid of the pain of it all.
Tyler Perry produces “Sister Act 3” where Bieber comes down from the heavens dressed in a Barney suit made by Prada. Seriously Justin, whoever dressed you fucking hates you. Selena?
Jadan Smith is in the crowd live tweeting – “we all fall, but when we’re falling are we really all?”
Another M. Stewart joke and she’s looking like she’s about to poison all these motherfucker’s muffin baskets.
Pete Davidson, the most irrelevant fuck here, is up first. Apparently he is only 21. Which means his parents clearly hate him for letting him go this long without some fucking braces.
He’s kinda like the guy from high school who now works at Starbucks – he knows you, but you have no idea who the fuck he is. He’s shockingly kinda funny though.
Ludacris is up next, wearing sunglasses previously owned by Paris Hilton circa 2003. Luda, you know who wears sunglasses inside? Blind People and douchebags.
Ludacris talking shit about being gangster to Justin and all I can hear is “when I was 13, I had my first love….”
Natasha Leggero is up next, actively solidifying herself in the running for Betch of the Week by making the bro roasters look like fucking idiots.
“It’s politically incorrect to use the term “retards” so we just call them Beliebers” – but it’s like tomato, to-mat-o, right?
Shaq is up next. And he has a doctorate of education? I didn’t know University of Phoenix gave out doctorate degrees. Good for him.
Kevin Hart stands next to Shaq and basically looks like a shit Shaq took pre-show to loosen up.
Chris D'Elia is only relevant (and at this roast) because Justin likes him- he and Selena Gomez have that in common.
Chris is so bad, I’m waiting for his next joke to start with “so, how about that airplane food?” Justin is the only one who is laughing cause he knows his shit is soft AF.
Martha Stewart is up and immediately takes the role of a principal lecturing misbehaving, inner- city school children.
Martha clearly spent her time in the pin making license plates and fucking dropping truth bombs because she is the oldest and funniest bitch in this place.
Watching Martha basically call Justin a prison bitch makes me understand why my grandmother idolizes her so much, and gives me a new found respect for the elderly in my family.
Jeff Ross, the guy who looks like a penis in a bellhop costume, is after Martha.
He makes a joke about a selfie stick and Kendall Jenner laughs in the crowd because “selfie” is the only word her illiterate ass has understood this whole fucking segment.
I can’t remember many more of Jeff Ross’ jokes- I was so busy focusing on the fact that he looked like a walking foreskin that I blacked out.
Snoop Dogg/Whoopi Goldberg is up next. Snoop Dogg is me when I’m smoking and drinking- feeling good about himself.
“You ever suck black dick before?” – Snoop Dogg is every scary black man on the subway at 3am. I’m also half way expecting him to tell me to take platform 9 and ¾ and pop a cap in his ass, since he looks like a gangster Dumbledore.
Did Justin just become black by Snoop Dogg? Is being called the n-word 43 times in 30 seconds the initiation into a black fraternity or something?
Hannibal Buress, the famous narc named after a serial killer, is up next and admits he DGAF about Justin, making him my favorite so far.
“I don’t like you at all, this is just a good opportunity for me” – me on a tinder date.
Ron Burgundy shows up and Kourtney Kardashian looks like she doesn’t know what the fuck is happening. Maybe if you stopped having babies and watched a goddamn movie, you would get this Kourt.
Ron Burgundy is wearing a suit the color of my wine, did I mention I’m drunk?
Ron gives a timeline of Bieber being a fuck boy, which ironically sounds like an ex boyfriend of mine. Minus the egging. Even my ex’s aren’t fucking dumb enough to egg someone.
Justin finally speaks and weirdly produces better jokes than music. And by weirdly, I mean not shockingly at all.
Justin basically reminds all the roasters that he is richer than them, to which I appreciate the non-humble brag. And then, wait? What’s this? A public apology? Justin, no one gives a fuck. Especially Hannibal, that dude doesn’t even fucking like you.
Justin brings out his monkey Marcell (that’s his name, right?) and calls it the love of his life because apparently he thinks he is fucking Aladdin. Somewhere in the distance (and by distance, I mean Taylor Swift’s house) Selena is crying about being rejected for a primate. The heart wants what it wants, bitch.