The Best Oscars Recap You’ll Ever Read

Last night's Oscar de la neverending ceremony was actually like, pretty dece. Obviously we zoned out for every moment that didn't involve Ellen taking selfies or a closeup shot of Leo fiending to get to the after party, but it really could've been worse. I guess they had to keep it PG after Seth MacFarlane went out of his way to offend EVERYONE. But I mean, who knew Ellen had such a serious blazer collection? You could easily have made a drinking game out of solely her blazer swaps. Regarding her first outfit, that neck ruffle made her look like a pilgrim and I think she stole that jacket from Michael Douglas' Liberace wardrobe. But fuck it, I couldn't look away.

The Red Carpet

Jennifer Lawrence probably paid someone to trip her because people just eat that shit up.

The mani cam is seriously one of the dumbest things brought to us by society.


The Actual Show

Anne Hathaway was the first presenter, and she sounded as though she was voicing an e-book or giving the most pretentious valedictorian speech in history. Oh, and she also looked like she swallowed the New Years ball.

I can't decide if the Happy song makes me uplifted or want to slit my wrists. At least the front row dancing didn't involve Taylor Swift.

We also learned last night that not only can John Travolta not move his face, but he is probably dyslexic. That, or his botox is seeping into his eyeballs and blurring his vision. But the most surprising thing about his fuck up is that he clearly isn't a huge Rent fan.

It's confusing to me why most of these award winning actors are really bad when it comes to acting like a person who knows how to read a teleprompter.

The pizza situation was epic, not only because that was probably the first thing half of those people had eaten in a week, but because I can't believe no one asked for gluten-free.

Handing out paper plates is basically the new twerking.

Then Brad's like, WTF I already handed out plates and made a movie about black people this year, do I really have to tip the delivery guy!?

Speaking of pizza, J-Law fully scarfed hers down before Ellen was even done handing out to her row (I rewound like three times to watch this because I have a life). Speaking of J-Law, she kind of looks like a hot Hillary Clinton.

Does Leo want pizza? Nope, he's good with the cocaine thanks.

The Winners

All Jared Leto cares about is school, and his mom, and his friends….mostly his mom.

Your time will come.


Cate Blanchett's chicness and eloquence actually makes me jealous and inspires me to remove the word 'like' from my vocabulary. But then I'm like, nah, she didn't even like, make it into the selfie.

Matthew McConaughey is so Ben from How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. #myheroisme #alrightalrightalright


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