What his week’s episode lacked in Daario Naharis, it made up in passive aggressive bitch fights and aggressive religious undertones.
White House Black Market (or something)
We finally get to see the inside of the House of Black and White, and it’s just about as dark and creepy as you’d expect. Arya is sweeping the floor, which apparently she’s been doing for a while now. They have to import their child labor in Braavos, I guess.
She’s pissed that she crossed the Narrow Sea to play Cinderella, and tells Jaquen that she’s ready to become a Faceless Man or No One or whatever the fuck it is they do in this place. He basically tells her to chill out, her time will come, but not until she’s earned her keep. He informs her that “all men must serve,” which is news to me and also all men, I think.
It’s worth nothing that Arya has some pretty impressive eyebrows despite the fact that she hasn’t showered in four years and probably doesn’t have access to tweezers.
Later while she’s pouting in her room, some random girl walks in, tells Arya she doesn’t deserve to be there, and proceeds to beat the shit out of her. Arya calls her a cunt, which almost put her in running to be the MVB this week. Jaquen smells a pre-teen girl fight and appears instantly.
Jaquen: wtf is going on and why are you both still wearing clothes
Cunt: We were just playing a game
Arya: I have murdered men for less
Jaquen low-key calls Arya a materialistic bitch, which is rough considering she owns two things. In order to become “no one” she must rid herself of all things Arya Stark. This is mostly good news because it means she gets new clothes. Not a moment too soon, she was starting to look like Dobby.
Sorry McDreamy, but the most heartbreaking farewell of the week was between Arya and Needle. Instead of throwing it in the water with her nasty clothes and silver coin, she hides it under some rocks, presumably so she can retrieve it later. Of course, let’s trick the man who can change his fucking face. This definitely won’t come back to bite her in the ass somehow.
After divulging herself of all three of her worldly possessions, Arya is allowed to enter the secret room where bodies have been disappearing to all episode. The unnamed cunt is there, and together her and Arya start to undress and wash a seemingly dead body without any explanation. Chill.
Tommen and Margaery get married in the most casual wedding ceremony this show has ever had, including Robb Stark’s illegal midnight one (RIP). But no one tragically died, so that’s nice I guess. Fast forward to the honeymoon chamber, where Margaery has the least-affected-by-sex hair I’ve ever seen. Odds that he actually hit the right hole: slim to none.
Tommen is staring at the ceiling with all the awe of a young boy who has just discovered vaginas. He tells her that “this is all I want to do, all day, everyday, for the rest of my life,” proving that although times and universes may change, fourteen year old boys do not.
In a level of subtle manipulation that mother-in-laws around the world aspire to, Margaery plants the idea in Tommen’s head that he will never truly be king while his mom is around. He’s like “chill, I’ll kill her with my bare hands, now can I pretty please touch you with my dick again.” The next day, he casually suggests to Cersei that she head back to Casterly Rock so that he can continue to bone his hot af wife in peace like the full grown pre-pubescent man that he is.
Cersei is not pleased, and seeks out Margaery for a “friendly chat.” What follows is two minutes of pure art; an interaction so passive, so truly underhanded and catty that WASPS across the country jizzed just watching it. The lovechild of Emily Gilmore and Blair Waldorf would have cowered at the shade being thrown in this conversation.
Cersei: My dearest daughter-in-law, I’m so glad you’re still alive and not rotting away in some hellscape of my choosing.
Margaery: Old hag, I mean loving mother, you must come join our tea party while I regale my friends with tales of how hard I boned your son last night. BTW I’ve had sex with 2 of your 3 children, you might want to keep Myrcella in Dorne.
In case you forgot, last season Roose Bolton (murderer of Robb Stark and my heart) legally made his bastard Ramsey legitimate. They’ve taken over Winterfell, which zero people in the North are psyched about. As we’ve covered before, Northerners are only loyal to Starks.
Ramsey is still batshit crazy, and has been skinning people who refuse to pay taxes to the Boltons. His dad is like “you know, the best way to forge a lasting alliance isn’t by peeling a man’s skin off.” Dropping diplomacy bombs at the dinner table.
Now that Tywin is dead, Roose is worried that they won’t be able to hold the North on their own, which is a valid concern because the remaining Lannisters are about as good at running the country as they are at not drinking wine or not having sex with each other.
The solution? Duh, Ramsey is going to marry Sansa. She can’t catch a fucking break in the sociopathic fiancé department.
On the road to Winterfell, Baelish reveals this plan to her, and she is less than pleased. He gives a semi-inspirational speech about how she needs to stop running and that this is her chance to avenge her family and regain her power in the North. It probably would have seemed a lot more sincere had he not done it a centimeter from her face, staring at her mouth the entire time. But apparently it was enough for Sansa, because she doesn’t make them turn around.
After they arrive, Baelish is trying to give a protective father talk to Ramsey, but even he knows it’s coming across like a bitter ex-boyfriend. What ensues is one of the least sincere conversations of the show to date.
Petyr: I am very fond of Sansa in a completely non-pedophilic way and definitely don’t watch her sleep at night
Ramsey: I am completely capable of human emotion and promise to never torture or mutilate her
Papa Bolton intercepts a letter from Cersei to Petyr, and is suspicious that he’s still working with the Lannisters. Baelish assures him that he is loyal only to their new alliance, and that together they can rule Westeros. It’s actually hard to decide which one of them is sleazier.
Theon creeps around in the corner the entire episode, avoiding Sansa and making everyone wholly uncomfortable.
Brienne and Podrick
Lurking in the distance is none other than Brodrick (they deserve a couple name at this point), still on Sansa’s tail despite all attempts to dissuade them. After finally recognizing that Podrick is a human ray of sunshine, Brienne apologizes for being such a royal bitch all the time and promises to train him like a real knight. Then they sit around a bonfire and bond over their equally pathetic back stories.
Turns out Podrick was a squire to some other knight who actually got executed because he couldn’t control his drunchies. I’ve never felt more spiritually linked to a character in my life. Podrick was spared, but as punishment was sent to be Tyrion’s squire, which turned out to not really be punishment at all.
Brienne’s steadfast loyalty to Renly stems from the time she got Carrie-d at a ball her dad held to find her a husband. After she found out that everyone’s interest in her was just a mean joke, Renly assumed the position of original token GBF by telling her that the fuckboys weren’t worth her tears and then danced with her for the rest of the night. This probably didn’t help her cause seeing as how he was openly flamingly gay, but no one could actually say anything about it since he was the king’s brother at the time.
Moral of the story: be nice to mannish girls because they will vow to avenge your death by one day murdering the brother who killed you.
Jon officially turns down Stannis’ offer to legitimize him and make him the Lord of Winterfell, despite the fact that all he’s wanted his entire life is to be a Stark.
Stannis: You’re as honorable as your father
Jon: Why thank y-
Stannis: Definitely not a compliment
As a parting word of advice, he tells Jon he should probably get rid of Allister before he gets murdered in his sleep. Jon’s says he’d rather keep his enemies close, and then Stannis drops some Eminem-esque line about how that’s only something people without enemies would say. Davos stays behind to remind Jon that Stannis is the one true King, because he hasn’t had a chance to say it in at least 6 minutes.
Davos: Stannis sees something in you. I swear I’m not crippled by jealousy.
He also tells Jon that if he really wanted to honor his oath and protect people, he would grow a pair and help them end the Boltons. This results in some classic Jon Snow-style brooding.
As his first official act as Lord Commander of the Knight’s Watch, Jon appoints a committee to dig a new hole for them all to shit in #bureaucracy.
Instead of making Allister his little bitch like everyone assumed he would, John appoints him first ranger. You know what they say, keep your enemies close and then fill them with a false sense of importance.
Lord Janos, the douche bag who hid in the closet with Gilly during the wildling war, is not so lucky. Jon tells him he is to oversee the remodel of some decrepit castle called Greygaurd, effectively banishing him.
Janos: You can stick your order up your bastard ass
Jon: *kill bill sirens*
As a message to all those who would disobey him, Jon chops Janos’ head off while he sobs for mercy. Stannis gets a boner just watching it.
King’s Landing (again)
The High Septon gets caught at Little Finger’s brothel in the middle of some seriously weird religious role play. Idk what the fuck is going on, but Dumbledore was there. The sparrows show up, drag him outside naked, and beat him in front of everyone. We still don’t know who they are, but so far they disprove of incest and lecherous priests, so they’re looking like the closest thing to a good guy that Westeros has.
Pissed that his sex party was interrupted, the High Septon goes to the small council for reinforcements. He wants them to execute the High Sparrow, and they’re all like “bruh, no.” The only person that defends him is Grand Maester Pycelle, because he’s nasty as fuck and a priest in a brothel is probably tame compared to the shit he’s been a part of.
Intrigued, and possibly because she wants to get in a quickie with her cousin, Cersei goes to find this High Sparrow. He turns out to not be some terrifying cult leader, but a very rational Jesus-esque guy who clothes the poor and feeds the hungry. He’s also got mad game, and low-key flirts with Cersei the entire time.
High Sparrow: have the Gods sent you here to tempt me?
Cersei: Hm, we don’t share DNA but I’ll consider it
He assumes he’s about to be arrested, but Cersei informs him that she put the High Septon in the dungeons. And then she smiles. Sincerely smiles. I don’t think it’s happened since Season 1. Someone’s about to get saved.
Tyrion puts his foot down and demands to leave the wheelhouse that he and Varys have been traveling in, probably because he finally ran out of wine. Varys reminds him that he is not only a wanted man, but a pretty fucking recognizable one at that. Tyrion is like “man, those are some valid points, but I’m going to ignore them because I’d really like to have sex with some prostitutes.” And off they go.
On the way to the brothel, they come across a red priest lady (like Melisandre) who is preaching about their savior, the “Queen of Dragons.” Tyrion is loudly skeptical. Eye sex ensues.
Brothel Guard: it’s good luck to rub a dwarf’s head
Tyrion: It’s even better luck to suck a dwarf’s cock.
You know if Tyrion had Tinder that would be his bio.
Once inside the brothel, they see a fucking Khaleesi themed prostitute. Inspiring the masses, am I right? Jorah is there, the first time we’ve seen him since he got kicked to the curb, eyeing her and weeping into his wine. So nothing has really changed much on that front.
Tyrion tries to convince a prostitute to have sex with him even though he has no money to pay her. “Who needs wealth when you can make a woman laugh?” Careful Tyrion, your fedora is showing. Unable to resist his charm, the whore agrees to have sex with him just as Tyrion remembers that he recently murdered his whore girlfriend. Instant boner killer.
The supposed smartest character in this entire series decides to drunkenly pee off of a giant ledge with no barrier in a dark tunnel while his back is turned to intruders. What could possibly go wrong?
Not surprising at all: Tyrion is attacked.
Kind of surprising: Tyrion is attacked by Jorah. He binds him up to take back to Khaleesi in the hopes of getting into her pants I MEAN good graces.
Episodes since we’ve seen Daario’s butt: 2
MVB: Margaery “Shade Master” Tyrell. “I wish we had some wine to offer you, but it’s a bit early in the day for us.” SHOTS FUCKING FIRED.