The Best Bachelorette Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 6

So Emily just found out the country of Croatia exists and she's all like, Croatia? Can you fry em up and eat em with some string beans? ABC didn't help the matter by combining Croatia and Scotland into one for the sake of showing a children's movie. Fuck mapmakers, Pixar just cut them a million dollar check!

But with all the product placement we can't help but wonder, who is The Bachelorette's official florist? How come you never hear a 'roses brought to you by the Flower Shop Around the Corner'? How'd they get them to Croatia? Plane? Donkey? Chris H's asshole?

bachelorette week 6I said, Brr, it's cold in here…

Whatevs, last night was the Highland Games where all the bros had to dress like Trey McDougal circa his wedding day and compete in some serious Viking shit. But I mean, the fact that they all had to wear these “embarrassing” outfits sort of negates the embarrassment all around, no? Except Chris obviously who looked like a flaming captain hook, hold the hook.

Date with Travis

Travis sounds exactly like Gran from Angry Boys, I swear his voice is still in the process of changing.

“I was really bummed Travis didn't take off his shirt…I've been wondering, what's hiding behind that shirt…a nubbin?'

Emily to Travis: “I wish more than anything that I could give you this rose but I can't.” Really? More than anything? Pretty sure if you wanted to, you could.

Come on Travis, crying in the confessional!? Nice guys finish last, fugly guys never even make it to the race.

Mild umbrella toss for dramatic effect. Pull yourself together man!

Group Date – The Highland Games

I'm so fucking jealous that they got to see Brave early, did they smoke before?

Jef was fucking ecstatic, he's the first guy in Year 7 to see it! He even brought his movie theater booster seat.

So Chris won the golden tampon award for being the biggest pussy. It's like giving a sportsmanship award to a cripple. I don't get why Emily finds him so hot, I could like, go skiing on his nasal slope.

And did anyone notice his awkward head wobble? He's like Bon Qui Qui servin it up at Burger King.

bachelorette week 6Pixar's target audience

Jef: I feel like you give me the feeling that like I feel something about my like, feelings.

Why is everyone talking about their feelings, this isn't a fucking AA meeting.

Earth to Arie, it's called kissing, not swamp diving.

Date with Ryan

Ryan is straight out of the Sixth Sense. One minute he is sitting in the middle of the room (in his S/S 2004 C&C tanktop) and the next minute he's still sitting in the same place, but all the drawers and cupboards are wide fucking open.

His beard last night walked the line between Tetris board and upside-down devil's horns.

The spitting and swallowing of the oysters is indictative of future fellatio action to come. Ryan does not want his women spitting.

Ryan's list of 12 things pretty much described a dog or a grandma or like, a dog's grandma.

OMG Ryan is the first self aware participant. “When editing this please do not allow me to look like a huge douchebag…do a good job of portraying exactly who I am and not an arrogant ass.”

“While I've been blessed with many worldly gifts, it doesn't mean I'm confident in them” …What worldly gifts Ryan? Are you impeccably good at shaving your finger hairs?

We have so much more respect for Emily now that she let him go, as in, only a little.

Rose Ceremony

Since when are there only 6 guys left? That went fast, kind of like my adderall refill.

Where'd you get that white dress Em? Kristi Yamaguchi's closet?

John played the dead grandparents' card…physically.

Chris B. Harrison angrily brings out the plate with the two roses. He's all like “here you go bitch. I hope this was worth interrupting my conversation. I'm trying to get my rebound sex on”

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