The Best Bachelorette Recap You’ll Ever Read: The Men Tell All

Saying we enjoyed nothing from last night's Men Tell All episode of the Bacheorette would be an overstatement. No one cried, dramatically stormed off, or took their shirt off. I would have much rather watched the news or like, Everybody Loves Raymond than this boring shit. The whole time we just kept wondering, where's the black guy?

So, after 26 minutes of Bachelor Pad previews and recaps of recaps of the recaps of Emily crying like an epileptic dog during this season of the Bachelorette, Chris B. Harrison welcomes us, again, to the actual tell-all portion of the tell-all special. There's something about the phrase 'the men tell all' that is just sooo homo and brings thoughts of the men revealing the secret showering rituals at the house which definitely involved soap for reasons other than washing Kalon's mouth out for calling Ricki baggage. 

Not going to lie though, we're really fucking pumped for Bach Pad. Erica, Michael, Reed, KALON, it's going to be epic. But like, only a quarter mil for the winner? That's barely enough to keep Chris B in coke for a whole year. We're calling it now that Kalon is going to kill it with the one liners, “I need 250 thousand dollars. Helicopter fuel is expensive.

Shit that didn't air:

I mean the bloopers and deleted scenes were whelming at best, but they could've potentially made me not fucking resent this entire season people from the south. However we did learn that Em shadily curses a lot, we like that about her.

And how can she not have sent Travis home after he requested that they sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star in unison …to his egg. If I were the bachelorette I literally would have spit my wine in his face just from laughing at such a ridiculous suggestion and would've immediately assumed he has a baby talk sex fettish. Would even go as far as imagining him sticking a pacifier up his ass.

Also, why is a story about Emily spilling like a milliliter tops of WHITE wine on a chiffon can-can dress newsworthy at all? The dress is just one casualty of this show…my Monday nights are another.


Thanks Bachelorette, for incessantly drilling it in our heads that Emily is just the best bachelorette of all time. I mean it's actually funny because Ashley Hebert must feel like absolute shit. But really, how is Emily the most beloved bachelorette of ALL time? Was there a poll taken? Because I obviously was not given the opportunity to vote.

We have to give it to her though, she looked really good last night. Her extensions were flawless and hats off to her plastic surgeon. You can barely tell where she gets her injections let alone how much!

The Guys:

You would think that Doug, after watching himself act such a vagina on screen, would not act like such a vagina at the reunion. But nope! It looks like he even plucked his eyebrows especially for the show, but like did it in the dark. He should make an appointment with a gynecologist because he's such a pussy.

Ryan “I found my journal the other day” Bowers could not possibly be tanner. Like, so tan that he could be confused with an Indian. He looks one Massaman curry away from doing a rain dance. I guess ABC finally got their ethnic frontrunner.

Oh Stevie… hold me closer, party dancer.

Sean looked like, really hot, and I'm not even into that whole Aryan look. He better be the Bachelor next season because if it's Chris I swear I'll be throwing up all over my TV every Monday. It'll be great for my #5 diet.

Emily: I mean, what girl wouldn't want Sean!?  – umm apparently you, Emily.

And finally, Kalon. Even though we're fairly sure he was wearing dentures on top of his dentures, he saved this episode. It's just amazing to watch him evade having to apologize for anything, and just smiling every time someone calls him an asshole. The number one rule of assholes is that you don't call an asshole an asshole because it's a compliment. It's like calling an anorexic girl 'too thin', fucking duh.

His tweet, props: “Baggage Claim: I thought for sure I would see Emily Maynard here”

The highlight was definitely when Emily said “I hope you find faith in something bigger than your Prada shoes and your rented helicopter.” Don't a'stomp your last season prada shoes at me honey. Now THAT's a real way to insult an asshole. He was probs so upset that she outed his rented heli that he went home and cried to his mom…Wahh! how can she be so mean? She's poor!

No but really, where was the black guy?


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