The Best Bachelorette Recap You’ll Ever Read: The Finale

So Chris B Harrison chose a weird ass way to segue into last night's Bachelorette finale, with a shout-out to the shooting victims of the Dark Knight.  “It's clear this will be a very dramatic weekend for the victims and all their families, having had endured gunshot wounds and a mass shooting. But not as dramatic as it was for Emily, who has to choose between two guys at her hotel in the Caribbean.

But like a betch on her #4 birthday, after a brief commentary on the tragedy of last week ABC would not shut the fuck up about how amazing she is. “The incredibly emotional season finale of the Bachelorette…the exciting three hour season finale of the Bachelorette…the most anticipated television event of the summer.” Okay we get it. People will watch this episode. What do you want, a medal?  

We were surprised to find that for the finale they're still in Curaçao, unlike with Ben 'high maintenance' Flajnik who made them fly to a new continent every episode. Here we got to meet Em's fam, including her mom Suzy Maynard, whose name sounds like she's the chain smoking cousin of Sookie Stackhouse. Thankfully this three hour finale was similar to something else we've mastered: sorority rush with Emily's fam members. So where are you from? Whats your major? Why do you want to be in our house?

Let's take a look at our favorite moments from the most dramatic season with the hottest bachelorette of all time


Way to break out the box o' roses: “Life is like a box of dead roses. You know exactly what you're going to get. A dead rose.” Emily's dad is like, “I came all the way to Curacao and all i got was this fucking box.”

I love how Arie plugs in the fact that he's dated a single mother in each conversation. Hi my name is Arie, my favorite color's blue, I've dated a single mother, and my favorite position is anal.

Okay so we know at 9:15 that Emily is choosing Jef. Can I please go not watch True Blood now?

I love how we learn really early that Arie is going to be dumped, making his absolute certainty that he's going to be chosen that much more pathetic and embarrassing:

Today is my last date with Emily and we're so in love with each other. Tomorrow I am getting engaged. I feel like Emily loves me.” False!

That moment when Emily looks into my eyes and expresses how she feels is going to be amazing.” Nooo I can promise you it won't!

Emily proves she's not only pretty dumb, but also bad with confrontation: “I always thought I would never have to make a choice between you and anybody, I thought it was always gonna be me and you but like.. turns out I'm not really that smart or intuitive.

Welcome to Dumpsville Ar, population you.

Live Studio Audience

I wonder what the three men in the live audience did wrong to have to sit through this shit. I imagine the only way I could get my boyfriend to agree to participate in the nationally televised Bachelorette finale live studio audience would be if he literally had sex with someone else right in front of me.

The sad faces of the concerned fat women in the studio audience as they watch Arie post breakup are epic and show us what's really important to American women: reality TV, melodrama, and ice cream.

Who is this blonde bitch with the pixie cut who thinks she's Dr. Ruth?

Ashley and JP are like the political pundits of the bachelor world.


I've discovered the secret to Jef's appeal. It's the slow, calm, reassured way in which he talks. Like a white boy Morgan Freeman.

Jef is on a mission (not the mormon kind) to find out what weird secret he doesn't know about Emily that she's possibly still single:  Emily's brother, why do you think Emily is still single?

What's the big deal with introducing Ricki to people? It's like, you don't have to say you're fucking him you can just say “this guy may or may not be your babysitter.

Ah, Ricki makes her cameo again. “There, that's Ricki over there!” ::camera shot of Ricki picking her nose:: Jef then states the obligatory line of love towards Ricki: “Ricki is like, so fun. she reminds me of my ex.” But really, wouldn't it be a lot more honest and interesting if Jef said what he's actually probably thinking. “As far as kids go, Ricki is alright I guess. She hasn't thrown a tantrum yet so I'll probably stick around but I have to say she's the only six year old whose mother is cuter than them.

On another note, Ricki is starting to develop boobs. How long has this fucking season been?

Jef, did you really get Emily the equivalent to a Frommer's guide to Curacao at the airport and expect that to seal the deal.

Jef's parting words to Emily: “Don't do too much thinking. Women thinking bad. Women.

In response to The Bachelor being sued for not having any ethnic people on it, we get ABC showing us the exact principles this country was founded on: rich, white, Christian blondes emphasizing the importance of marriage. The extent to which abc cares about diversity on their shows is equivalent to the amount of brown hair sported by the winning family.

After the Final Rose

I really just can't believe the guy she picked to be the father of her child is the same guy who rode up the first night on a fucking skateboard.

Leave it to ABC to find the perfect song for this fucking stupid montage…”Glory of Love”

Emily who are you kidding? A homeless person poor Sean wouldn't even be happy putting a piece of tape around your finger.

Arie, you flew to Charlotte, didn't see Emily, but dropped off your sad handwritten book of a journal. What's with all these grown ass men and their leatherbound books? The only thing more embarrassing than the fact that you kept a diary is the fact that Emily wouldn't even read it. And it was all about her. So you know she's #82 over it.

Arie calls Jef to talk about Emily, that's not weird or clingy at all. Let it go, man!

Jef is taking Em to Africa to build wells, how (third) worldly of him.

Chris B. Harrison says Emily and Arie's breakup “clearly deeply affected everyone here in our studio audience.” The audience collectively looks like they were all just personally broken up with. They should open a new store where they sell DVDs of the entire Bachelorette season, control top underwear, and assorted Ben & Jerry's flavors and call it “Pathetic Single Housewives 'R' Us”

Jef on marrying his soul mate, Emily: “I dont really care where the wedding is, as long as it's with my best man, big bird.”

Notable mentions: Emilys extentions and Rickis fanny pack, there must have been a clearance sale at Walmart.

Eventually, as we all know, Emily chose Jef after introducing him to Ricki, and the three of them trailed off into the sunset, forming an adorable miniature family in both stature and quantity leaving poor Arie alone with his race cars, love potions, and robotic mother.


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