The Best Bachelorette Recap You’ll Ever Read: Finale Part 1

Last night's Bachelorette may have actually been the most exciting and dramatic finale ever. I mean if Chris Harrison is going to say that about every single season then eventually he has to be right. Last night was actually legit, even though it consisted of the most tearful and least talkative breakup ever I've ever seen on television.

Honesty though it was so sad (in a really entertaining way) to watch Des be all obsessed with Brooks and delusionally believe that he loves her even though he's the only one who hasn't said so. Someone has obviously not been watching this show carefully. But it's fun to listen to her go on about this inane shit to convince herself that he's into her.  Brooks and I came up with an analogy of how to describe our relationship, first you're stepping, then you're skipping, then I'm throwing up in my mouth.

Anyway, do you think they leave you condoms in the fantasy suite?

Date with Drew

How much did they have to pay these Antiguan villagers to not publicly call out Drew for being a pansy? He is acting fruity with his fruit.

Des: Drew makes me feel like we are princesses together I am a princess.

Des: It's not about the dinner or where the dinner is. Rain will not ruin my date with Drew. The fact that Drew is a raging homosexual…yeah that prob won't ruin it either.

Drew: Everything I said was sincere
Des: Everything you always say is sincere

Their kissing is so nauseatingly loud.

Date with Chris

Des: Chris has all the masculine qualities that I love about him. Translation: He's the only one I'm sure isn't gay.

Des conducts these dates like she's hiring an intern. “So I want to make today a discussion about our future. What ideas did you have in mind for our company?

Chris, this isn't a poem. It's called a paragraph.

Chris: I want you to move to Seattle
Des: Nahs

Des: I like that you teach me things like how to play dodgeball.

Des: Things you do mean a lot. Like your facial expressions.

Chris doesn't give a shit about the fantasy suite card he just wants to see the stars.


Brooks on Des: I mean I'd fuck her but I'm like, not gonna marry her.

Brooks: The idea of me proposing to Desiree makes me feel similarly to hearing a racist joke or having a colonoscopy: very uncomfortable.

Brooks and Chris Harrison have a sit down where he mumbles some pretty incoherent shit and doesn't really say anything substantial: If I found the love of my life here it would've been like, totally cool beans. But you know growing and changing and evolving.

Chris Harrison: So what I'm hearing is… You're not in love with her. You're never going to be in love with her. And you're never ever getting back together?

Chris: So it's not about you being afraid to commit?

It literally took Brooks 45 minutes to spit out that he wanted to break up with Des and that was the EDITED version. Yet props to Brooks for being such a douchebag that he manages to break up with Des literally without saying anything.

Des: Why now?
Brooks: I had never been to Antigua.

Brooks: So like I don't wanna leave you but can you direct me towards the airport.

I actually really like Des' crop top.

Pathetic things Des said during the breakup:


It just sucks that I loved you. I do love you, regardless, I do. I don't care that you just broke my heart I love you.

“I really wanted you to meet my family.

When I was going on dates I just wanted to go on dates with you.” So this whole season has been a lie?

I've done everything by myself so thats why I was hoping to find someone I could share my life with.” Bitter does not match your crop top Des.

“You can go, I'll go sit by myself”


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