The Best Bachelorette Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 2

The beginning eps of The Bachelorette are always my favorite because it's one of the few places in life where you get to hear like 10 bros who are likely closeted homosexuals proclaim irrational love for a girl they met for 15 minutes. Between Craig's aggressive pool escapades and the “male exotic dancer show” straight out of Magic Mike, last night was a little bit of a sausage fest. “Who's ready to see some half naked men!?” is something I never thought I'd hear Chris Harrison say excitedly. 

Chris Harrison: But more importantly what do you think of Andi?
Guy 1: She's hot
Guy 3: She's cool
Guy 3: I've seen better

Date with Eric

Andi's date with Eric was really cute and I have nothing snarky to say about it, except it would be really funny if he just like pounded her with a snowball and ran away laughing.

Eric is so hot he looks like Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid. Strong jaw, symmetrical face, nice large white teeth.

His Syria story is like the most intelligent thing anyone on this show has ever said. I’m surprised the Bachelor included this in the footage as 90% of the show’s viewers def have no idea wtf he’s talking about. Eric is talking about the fixer in Syria and Andi’s thinking “I need more wine.”

Learning how to snowboard on a first date is horrible, you’re on your ass the entire time. Eric, are you ready to shred this gnarly mountain?

Group Date

Andi, who was freaking out when she had to get naked for the pet calendar, decides to haze the new guys by making them do the exact same thing. Marcus is this year's resident “too scared to perform in front of a live audience” person. I'm sure he's mostly afraid of all the employers who won't hire him after seeing this.

Oh great Sharleen and Kelly are here. I guess Kelly is taking a break from smoking a blunt with her dog to come chill at this party in LA.

This is super erotic these guys are all like rubbing each other.

Bradley the opera singer sounds more like my cantor at temple.

Ron is a beverage sales representative so does that mean he like, has a lemonade stand?

Craig seriously needs to take it down a notch. He was def accused of date rape in college:

“I hope she loves me. I love her.”

“I wanna know Andi. I wanna find out what she is. She’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen in my life.”

Andi: Ask me anything.
Craig: What’s the worst thing about your parents? When was your first period?

Andi: It’s one thing to be really drunk and funny but at the same time realize that you are on a date.  – A DATE?! You’re on national television it’s so much worse.

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