The Best Bachelor Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 8

Welcome to the lamest fantasy suite week ever with virgin Bachelor Sean. Ugh virgins, they get attached and they bleed. Haven't these people seen Girls?

Given this twist, why do we need to spend 30 minutes listening to Sean tell us shit about his time with the women that we ALREADY KNOW. And the reading of the fantasy suite cards, it's the same EVERY SEASON. ABC, get new verbiage. You know this show has gotten boring when I watch it live instead of recorded because I secretly look forward to commercial breaks. At least they change every week.

And finally, we got to say goodbye to little orphan AshLee, who looked more like a Thai hooker at the rose ceremony than the mother of Sean's future bionic blonde babies. Don't worry Ash, at least you left with a nice tan and the possibility of being the next Bachelorette.

Date with Lindsay

Sean: “I need more silly in my life. You're the bff that I've been looking for.” I wanna prank you so hard right now.

What he likes about Lindsay is that she never seems to have a bad day…which doesn't sound so much normal as much as someone addicted to speed.

Lindsay wasn't even in the military, yet for some reason everything she says is related to the military.

“So we're at this Thai market, and I love how adventurous Sean is being. There are colorful chickens. This is nothing like the military.”

Seriously Lindsay, if you tell them the one thing you refuse to do is eat a bug they're obviously going to make you eat a bug, or haven't you learned anything from the past 9 weeks and 27 seasons. I can't believe you're responsible for America's youth, even if it's just when real teachers are absent.

Any betch who read Caps for Sale or has been to Gibraltar knows that monkeys will steal your accessories at the first opportunity. Stay away Lindz.

A life with Lindsay is sort of similar to feeding these monkeys.

Date with AshLee

So Lindsay's theme was the army, AshLee's is abandonment.  Do you really think Sean is going to let you drown in the middle of Thailand like your birth parents probably would have? No, ABC would never allow that PR disaster.

“I don't take getting engaged lightly” says the contestant who was engaged at 17.

Ah the ABC metaphor team is back on their A-game: It's pitch dark and I can't see anything. But that's how life is. Sometimes you just black out.

Sean says he spent his twenties chasing his career? Isn't he like a fucking fitness model insurance agent? What the fuck is there to work on? I guess that goes well with AshLee's made up career.

AshLee chill with the ring measurements. I'm sure you included this information on your Bachelor application sheet.

“The perfect ending to this date would be to stay up all night talking, cuddling, maybe doing some origami.” AshLee's voice makes me want to throw darts into her eyes.

Date with Catherine

Wouldn't it be awkward if he had her read the fantasy suite card and we found out she couldn't read that way.

Catherine describes Sean like a tenderloin: “Beefy and hunky”

Rose Ceremony & Shit

Ok really, OZ promo? I refuse to honor this with a joke.

Chris Harrison: “Just so you know, in case you forgot, this was the same week Emily ripped your fucking heart to shreds.”

Ashlee giving the equivalent of Anne Hathaway's oscar speech. I love the directing cues on this shit: “Pan to Thai sculpture. Pan again to Sean looking out at ocean. Pan to canoe and rain drops.”

Sean taking 5 years to break up with one of these girls. T-t-t-today junior.

I feel like Ashlee's gonna stab him with a salad fork on the way to the limo.

Sean's “reason” for letting AshLee go was, and I quote: “I thought it was you from the beginning. there was a lot of intensity there.”

We'd like to give a shout out to AshLee for being stoic in the limo but then she got like too stoic and it was almost creepy. Not crying is obviously betchy but if you take it too far it borders on psychosis. She pulled some weird, hide-your-face-from-the-cameras shit in the car and it we realized she's kind of a crazy, walled off orphan.

The ending credits with Sean and Catherine doing multiplication tables together shows us what Sean thinks of an stimulating intellectual conversation: a girl that can multiply. Good to know that Sean and Catherine can come together to recreate the mental stimulation of a TI-83 Plus. That's right Cathy, Sean will definitely let you use his Texas Instrument.

Last week's reacap>>


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