Welcome back, Bachelor fam! Before I dive into this week’s recap, just know that I read the comments from last week and I will be addressing them. For those of you who insinuated that perhaps I wrote the last recap late night and/or drunk, I would just like to say that in my defense, the show does end at 10pm so when else would I write the recap, and I absolutely was drunk. There’s just something about watching Colton and his sweaty hands for 120 minutes every Monday evening that makes me want to take a bottle rosé to the face. I’m not apologizing for that. Now, moving on to the recap.
If you’ll recall, when last we left off Onyeka and Nicole were in the middle of World War III, despite the fact that their entire reason for being in each other’s lives was sitting right next to them. Colton’s expression throughout that fight was the same look my dad used to wear when he was trying to reason with me and my sister during a fight over who stole whose Delia’s top and had the audacity to wear it on school picture day (she did). Colton stormed off in a fit of rage (not unlike my dad) to go cry on a sand dune about how some of the women—GASP—might actually be there for fame and not love.
Which brings us to this week’s episode: I love that Onyeka is not in the least bit bothered that Colton is pissed. In fact, she takes the fight one step further by bringing it to the rest of the girls’ attention. She’s like “raise your hand if you ever been personally victimized by me? RAISE YOUR GODDAMN HAND.”
Yeah, that’s not terrifying at all. I definitely didn’t just wet myself a little.
The Rose Ceremony
So I guess that brings us to the rose ceremony, though I thought we left off on a group date? I’m so confused. Did we really leave off during a rose ceremony last week? Am I wrong? Am I hallucinating? Do I care?
Colton starts the ceremony off by declaring that tonight has been hard on him because he was not the center of attention for five f*cking minutes. Honestly, I understand his plight. My birthday was literally three weeks ago and people are acting like it’s okay to not shower me with constant praise and affection? Like, my astro sign is still in orbit. Don’t be f*cking rude.
Final Rose Count: Onyeka and Nicole both get sent home. In other news, the sky is blue.
Did we really think anyone else was getting sent home? As Demi puts it: “they dug their own graves.” I just love that Onyeka could care less about being eliminated. She’s like “rejection doesn’t feel great but it feels better knowing I will absolutely be on Paradise!” Yes, nothing dulls the pain of getting dumped on national television like tequila shots and producer-manipulated love triangles.
The One-On-One Date
Hannah G gets the first one-on-one date this week, and I was wondering when Colton was going to remember she existed. She got the first impression rose night one, but since then we haven’t seen much of her. You know, aside from Colton using their “one-on-one time” at rose ceremonies to find the nearest bed, couch, or pool chair on which to aggressively make out with her.
We’re only a few minutes into their date and I already have a feeling it’s going to be a snoozefest. Hannah G may be beautiful, but she has the personality of sugar-free gum.
COLTON: What do I love about Hannah G? She has blue eyes and she smiles.
YOU’RE LITERALLY DESCRIBING HALF THE GIRLS ON THIS SHOW AND MY MOM’S LABRADOR RETRIEVER. What is your point!
Colton keeps talking about how “insane” their connection is. Cut to a montage of Colton and Hannah G dry humping on every surface in that spa.
You guys, Colton is not mature enough for a real relationship, let alone marriage. He is such a horn dog! Every girl he likes, he likes because they let him grind on them to completion. Seriously. Has Hannah said one thing this entire date other than “is this your gum because I just found it in the back of my throat?” And this is an actual contender to be his future wife??
Moving on to the cocktail portion of the evening. I guess Hannah G is feeling insecure about the fact that their relationship is about as deep as mine with that guy that texts me “u up” twice a year because she suddenly finds a sob story to talk about. She says that she’s a child of divorce and it’s like, what’s your point? Look, I’m not trying to say that her experience wasn’t traumatic, but literally half the population has divorced parents. That doesn’t make you original, it just makes you average.
Hannah G gets the date rose and secures herself a spot in Colton’s heart for at least another week. I guess that hand job on the massage table was worth it.
The Group Date
The group date is up next, and multiple women are upset that they’re on yet another group date. Sydney, Demi, and Katie were all hoping for the coveted one-on-one date, but it was instead given to Kirpa, aka the girl with the Band-Aid on her face. Honestly, the Band-Aid is suspicious. I would not be surprised if she hurt herself on Bachelor property, threatened to sue, and then leveraged her way into a one-on-one date. That feels like the only reasonable explanation for this randomness.
Ugh. I hate when there’s a date card description with the words “fighting” and “strong” and the women show up in their sluttiest athleisure. Like, I didn’t know Forever21 endorsed “strong women” as well as “women hoping their fake ID will work at penny draft night,” but I digress.
For the group date, Colton wants the women to beat the sh*t out of each other. I paraphrase. But for real, he does want them to fight each other. Why do I have a feeling Demi is bringing a shiv into the ring with her?
Okay, also, have you noticed that this is a common theme for all of his group dates? Is Colton pitting the women against each other in some sort of fight/survival scenario in the hopes that he won’t ever have to grow some balls and eliminate someone??
I may have spoken too soon about Demi. She’s getting her ass kicked in the fight, and it feels very off-brand for a person who has literally started sh*t with every woman in that house. Is it just me, or does she seem really defeated this episode? Is it because almost everyone over the age of 25 has been eliminated and there’s nothing else to fuel her hatred?
COLTON: I’ve seen enough.
Me too, Colton. Me too.
Moving on to the cocktail portion of the date. Sydney won’t stop complaining about how she hasn’t had a one-on-one yet and tbh I feel like she’s thiiiiis close to snapping. I just wish all of these girls knew that Colton knows just as little about the girls he takes on one-on-one dates as he does about the ones on group dates. Except maybe how their ass feels in his hand.
Katie is also close to an emotional breakdown and she has good reason to be, because I genuinely do not know who this girl is. Has she spoken any words this entire season?? Colton pulls her aside during the cocktail party and I can’t recall a single conversation the two of them have had together.
She’s like “I know I’m pretty monotone but I do care about you.” She says all of this without looking up from her feet. Why is she acting so weird?? She’s not even making direct eye contact with him! She reminds me of that brother from Wedding Crashers, the one with the paintings and the emo haircut?
Katie tells Colton that she’s afraid he’s going to cut her because their relationship isn’t as far along as some of the other girls, and Colton does a really sh*tty thing here and tells her he doesn’t want that to happen. He’s pretty much assuring her that he’s into her when we all know she’s going to be cut first at the rose ceremony this week.
Demi pulls Colton aside next. She says that the reason she wasn’t good at fighting earlier is because she’s very “soft and sensitive”, and she says that with a straight face. Lol. This is the same girl who would suggest any woman old enough to legally rent a car should invest in Life Alert.
Demi wants Colton to call her mom with her, and it’s a smart move. Last time she played the mommy issues card she got the group date rose. I’m honestly impressed by her shamelessness.
OMG. You guys, is Sydney leaving too?? She’s like, “some girls are taking this too lightly.” GOD FORBID DEMI CHUCKLE. But I do sort of get where she’s coming from. It’s clear Colton was only going to string her along for another episode or two.
Sydney goes home. Colton gives an impassioned speech to the rest of the girls about how he has so much more to give, and he’s certainly referring to his virginity. I just gagged.
The Second One-On-One Date
Kirpa gets the second one-on-one date. Colton says he’s looking to get some answers today, but so am I. For instance, wtf happened to her chin last week??
Their date might as well be a series of stock images under “rich people travel”—it’s that stereotypical. For all intents and purposes, their date is cute. They go scuba diving, have a nice dinner, yada yada. But I know this date is going downhill because Colton hasn’t aggressively rubbed himself against her even once.
You guys, this date is so boring and I hate that because I think I might actually be rooting for Kirpa? Not only does she seem like a real human being, but it also seems like she’s feeling him out instead of him feeling her out. I like that.
They get on the subject of Colton’s virginity because they’re both contractually obligated to bring it up at least once an episode. Apparently Kirpa’s ex-fiancé was also a virgin! Lol. I love how Colton had to clarify that his virginity isn’t for religious reasons and he will be losing it at some point during this show. He’s like “well I do totally intend on having sex with multiple women in fantasy suites so…”
Colton asks Kirpa if she could see herself getting engaged at the end of this, and she responds with a very confident “yeah.” I didn’t think forever would sound about as enthusiastic as me telling my roommate I’ll get sushi if she’s already ordering it, but okay. Eternal happiness to you both!
Demi decides she deserves her own one-on-one date, and I love that about her. What I don’t love is she came dressed to seduce Colton like I go dressed to buy “one thing” at Target. At least show some cleavage, honey!
She uses the flimsy excuse of checking in on him to see how he’s doing after Sydney’s departure. I think he’d believe you more if you weren’t wearing enough body glitter to light up downtown Miami.
WHAT. HE’S BREAKING UP WITH HER??? I’m genuinely shocked that he’s dumping her like this. I mean, they both didn’t seem very attracted to one another, but still! I thought he at least wouldn’t be smiling as he dumped her!
She’s like, “I don’t know what to say to that” as she pretends to wipe away tears from a face that is bone dry. Save those fake tears for Mexico, honey. That’s where your talents will really be appreciated!
The Second Rose Ceremony
Tbh I’m surprised we’re even having a rose ceremony tonight. I think we all know Katie is going home, right? I can’t think of one other woman who might be on the chopping block other than Heather, but her Josie Grossy storyline should get her at least one more episode.
Chris shocks the women by saying there won’t be a rose ceremony this evening. Colton’s made up his mind.
Katie gets sent home, to the shock of no one with working eyes and ears. Before Katie leaves she gives Colton a cryptic message about girls not being there for the right reasons, which is exactly what Sydney said before she left.
COLTON: But I thought Sydney was talking about Demi!!
Newsflash, Colton! Demi wasn’t the only hot blonde who graduated from college six months ago and decided to forgo the real world for a few months and try her hand at becoming a reality TV star. Child, please.
And on that note, I’m out betches! I’m literally counting down the minutes until the infamous fence jumping scene, so let’s hope it’s next week!
Images: Giphy (5); bachelorabc, kirpasudick, bachelorinsider / Instagram