Welcome back, betches, to your regularly scheduled Bachelor recap! For those of you who commented anything but glowing reviews on my last recap, just know that this week it’s my birthday and I’m still walking a thin line between “hungover” and “wanting to die” so don’t f*cking mess with me. K? Speaking of my hangover, I can still barely hold down solids without wanting to die a slow and painful death, so if Colton so much as breathes the wrong way I’m ready to verbally eviscerate him. Fun!
The Group Date
Chris Harrison steps into the Bachelor mansion to test the room and make sure the girls are about as suicidal as production needs them to be to humiliate themselves on the group date this week. He’s so sweet like that! Lol. Someone says there’s been a lot of “high highs” and “low lows” and it’s like they’re describing my emotional state for the last 48 hours, so I can relate.
Alabama Hannah gets picked for the first group date and she’s acting a little too confident for someone whose vocabulary consists entirely of “roll tide roll.” Like, I’ve never seen someone choke that bad on national television before, and now she wants to go back for seconds? She doesn’t even have her birthday to fall back on as an excuse for Colton to keep her this week!
Caelynn, Demi, and old Tracy are also all going on the group date so this should be lit. These are the biggest feuds in the house right now, and if the night doesn’t end in Tracy sobbing in the fetal position somewhere, then I’ll be genuinely surprised.
Okay, WHO IS COMING UP WITH THESE DATE THEMES?? A pirate theme? Are you f*cking kidding me? Like, first Colton forces them all to go to summer camp with him and now he wants them to reenact the theme from his 3rd grade birthday party? This has to be a joke. If ABC wanted to insert knife play into this season, I’m sure they could have found another way.
Alabama Hannah starts challenging every girl on the date to a duel, and I’m not convinced she didn’t swap out her prop for an actual knife. She’s looking a little unhinged this episode, and I don’t like that production left her unsupervised with a sharp object, prop or no. Also, 10 bucks says Hannah screams “roll tide!” after she wins each duel.
Despite the fact that Hannah is clearly the most into this pirate themed date, Caelynn and Tracy somehow get picked to participate in the pirate cosplay performance with Colton. I’m sure there’s a reasonable explanation for why such a performance has to exist, but honestly, this just feels like Colton’s excuse to get to wear a billowing deep-V tee and not have his sexuality challenged for it. Just saying.
Cut to the cocktail party later in the evening, and Demi and Tracy are already at each other’s throats. I love it.
Like, does anyone else think Tracy is just being ridiculous? I mean, Demi did just insinuate women over the age of 25 should just give up and die now, but I do think Tracy is being way too sensitive over this. And I’m not even just saying that because I think she’s tacky and I hate her.
OKAY WHAT IS DEMI DOING RIGHT NOW. She’s beating Colton with a wooden spoon and trying to cup his ballsack on national f*cking television. Like, did ABC hire Demi to see how far they could get away with sexual harassment without being sued? Colton, blink once if you’re okay, twice if you need me to call someone!
Next, Colton pulls Caelynn aside to talk to her and I’m surprised by how much he likes her. She has great hair but a nothing burger personality.
Meanwhile, Alabama Hannah is losing it right now. She doesn’t understand how Colton could possibly like both her and Caelynn when they are sooooo different from each other. And she is NOT wrong. One of them has brown hair and one has blonde. And one is from a southern state and one is from a DIFFERENT southern state.
ALABAMA HANNAH: Like, I am befumbled by this girl right now.
ME: I think you just befumbled that word, but okay.
Hannah pulls Colton aside to tell her about the one time Caelynn didn’t like her Instagram post and that’s why she’s a horrible human and this is probably the most words Hannah has ever spoken to him. Like, does she even have a real reason for not liking Caelynn? She’s being so vague and weird about it. Like, if you’re going backstab someone, Hannah, do it right. At least have a knife with you! MY GOD.
Also, if I have to hear the words “high stress situation” one more time I’m going to commit homicide. Like, they’re making pageantry sound about as stressful as sending someone on a mission to Mars. Wearing last season’s veneers does not make for a high stress situation, ladies!
OH SH*T. Colton gives Caelynn the group date rose and it’s a big f*ck you to Hannah. I guess he like when a girl can actually string together sentences, and Caelynn has Hannah beat there. Better luck next time, Hans!
The One-On-One Date
Colton picks Elyse for the one-on-one and it feels a bit random, but okay. I guess I’ll entertain this. He casually invites an entire kindergarten class on their date and this is where I would bow tf out. She already has to babysit Colton and now he wants to add 30 more kids to her plate today?
LITTLE GIRL: I’ve already been kissed on the lips.
COLTON: You have?
LITTLE GIRL: Yes.
COLTON: Wow, I know this girl named Heather who could actually use some pointers…
Okay, I will begrudgingly admit that this date is kind of cute. Also, that’s a really nice charity he works for. Though I’m sure he doesn’t do it at all for the positive publicity he gets for it. *insert eye roll here*
Also, this date was totally recycled from Becca’s season. Like, Colton planned this exact same date for Hometowns. At least be original. But I guess pimping out sick children is always a crowd pleaser as far as ABC is concerned, so carry on!
Okay, I really like Elyse. She’s far prettier than that atrocious headshot ABC used in the promos and she seems really smart and put-together. She’s way too good for a guy who’s been on reality TV more times than he’s had sexual intercourse.
She gets a rose and I’m not at all surprised. I’m definitely rooting for her. But not to be with Colton, just to be the next Bachelorette. Duh.
The Second Group Date
The second group date is going to involve some sort of athletic component, and I know this because the date card mentioned the words “strong women” and the girls decided this meant “bring out your sluttiest sports bras.” I’m so glad we marched for this, ladies!
HAHA. Some girl just asked Colton if he ran out of clothes and I’m dying.
GIRL: Did you run out of clothes?
COLTON: No, the producers just told me I’m not contractually allowed to wear a shirt every episode.
Wtf. So he’s making these girls work out? That’s the date? This is the stuff of my nightmares. He’s making the girls compete in some sort of feats of strength competition and it’s like, but why? What does being able to lift a very heavy tire have to do with having a successful relationship? If that’s what you’re looking for, Bobby over at my local Jiffy Lube handled my tire like a champ last week. Shall I give you his number, Colton?
Okay, there is no way in hell Caitlin was able to pull that entire limo without any assistance. I take back Colton’s virgin story being the hardest pill to swallow on this godforsaken show. This is definitely harder. I guess they lost the footage of her producer standing from behind giving the limo an extra push?
Onyeka wins the competition and gets the saddest pity kiss from Colton I’ve ever seen. This girl is so f*cking thirsty it’s hard to watch. Colton looks equally alarmed by her thirstiness. Why do I feel like she’s the new Jasmine of this season? If she tries to choke him sometime in the next three episodes we’ll know for sure!
Okay, Caitlin is STRUGGLING at this cocktail party rn. She’s like “I don’t have a sob story so I don’t know what to say here?” Girl, just make something up!
CAITLIN: I feel comfortable about opening up about getting blackout with my friends.
LOLOLOLOL. If this isn’t the definition of millennials opening up to each other, then IDK what is.
Colton says the conversation wasn’t the best but it’s not her birthday so he’s not obligated to keep her AND SENDS HER HOME. Damnnnn. I didn’t think he would just cut her just like that! The girl moved an entire limo with nothing but her sheer desperation to find a man and he’s not even going to let her stay until the rose ceremony? That’s cold.
COLTON: I’m sorry but I just didn’t feel it with you. Maybe if your sister had died I’d be able to get it up.
Nice, Colton. Real nice.
The Pool Party
Colton is already bucking the system and doesn’t want to have a cocktail party this week, but don’t worry, there will be a pool party instead! Or as Chris Harrison spins it, “this is better because he’ll be shirtless.” Is it me or does Chris Harrison remind you more and more of a pimp each season?
Sidenote: Why do these girls look so great with wet hair? What kind of sorcery is this? In the immortal words of Canadian Daniel, I would look like a washed-up street dog on this date.
Okay, do we think we’ll actually get some clarity on this feud between Alabama Hannah and Caelynn at the pool party? Or do we think Chris Harrison will just make them “work things out” with a chicken fight in the pool?
ALABAMA HANNAH: I am a tank of rage
ME: She’s batsh*t
ALSO ME: *updates Hinge bio with this exact quote*
Caelynn says she doesn’t want to throw Hannah under the bus and then proceeds to call her a manipulative bitch to Colton’s face. Damnnnn. I’d hate to see what she calls her when she’s not trying to ruin her reputation.
Colton goes back to Hannah to tell her what Caelynn said about her, and this is starting to feel like a seventh grade sleepover. Like, why is this feud necessary? He’s like, “I want to get back to where we were on our one-on-one when you didn’t speak any words and just looked hot.” You and me both, Colton. YOU AND ME BOTH.
Lol Colton looks like he wants to kill himself just listening to this feud and HE IS NOT ALONE. Like, this feud makes no sense and unless someone releases the Miss USA burn book I don’t want to hear about it anymore. I’m done.
The Rose Ceremony
The rose ceremony starts and people are pissed because no one got to talk to Colton at the pool party. He was too busy gossiping with the producers about the dirt he heard on Hannah and Caelynn. He’s a petty bitch like that. Tbh I’m just surprised the women didn’t hang those two with their strapless bras while they were getting ready for the rose ceremony tonight.
Watching Hannah and Caelynn at the rose ceremony is tough for me. Mostly because I’m absolutely APPALLED by their dress choices. Like, if it were a war between dresses they both should be going home. Not only are my eyes bleeding, but those are crimes against humanity, I swear to god.
Final rose cut: Bri, Catherine, and Nina all get sent home. I have nothing to say about this other than I’m intrigued to see who the villain of this season will be if they sent home the professional DJ this early in the game.
Images: Giphy (3); @bachelorabc /Instragram (2); @itsalabamahannah /Instagram (1); ABC (1)